Can I date them both? (sorry it's long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2005
Can I date them both? (sorry it's long)
3
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 11:02am

Hello,

Sorry for this, it is a long posting – please bear with me and give me your advice.

I am wondering if I can (emotionally etc.) date 2 guys. I know it would not even be a question if I was not already intimately involved with one. Here is the history…

Guy 1 – met online via matchmaking service about a year and a half ago. We really hit it off and like each other a lot. The problem is that he lives about 2 hours away and he wanted to date someone closer to his home. I can understand and respect that, however he wanted to keep in touch with me – so we have – even when we were both dating other people we still talked on the phone about once a week.

Guy 2 – met him online this about 10 months ago (same service), he lives about ½ hour from my work place. We also hit it off and unfortunately I broke all of my rules with him – we were intimate faster than I was comfortable with (but since we continued to see each other I got over that) I also did not have that “what are you looking for” talk with him early on like I should have – my heart got involved very quickly. We continued to see each other but very very infrequently (due to his work hours, shared custody of his children etc.); sometimes only once a month. I did not date or see anyone else during this time and I don't think he was either. I really would like to see him more but it just does not seem to work out that way. Since I did not see (or hear from) him during the holiday I asked him (via email unfortunately) if he wanted to continue to see me. He said that he was not ready for a relationship but he did enjoy spending time with me and would like to continue to do so on occasion.

Problem – I am crazy about Guy 2 and am not quite sure I am ready to give him up yet. I really like Guy 1 also, he's become a good friend and we are comfortable with each other. And Guy 1 and I are more on the “same page” about what we are looking for (marriage, children etc.) and I can see me fitting into his life (and him into mine) quite well – whereas Guy 2 does not have a place for me in his...yet. Guy 1 has expressed interest in trying to date again. I get along well with both of them, am attracted to both of them so that’s not a problem.

Question – can I date them both? I have the feeling that I would only see Guy 2 very infrequently – even though Guy 1 is further away we would probably see each other more. But I do not know if I could only be intimate with Guy 2 if I see him so infrequently. To be honest I don’t even know if I could handle “being” with both of them at all, I am used to only dating one guy - this is the first time I've even thought about it. But if I am honest with them – let them know that I am seeing “other people” and don’t put them in harms way (sexually that is)…is it wrong? I think that eventually Guy 1 and I would become exclusive with each other but until that time can I see them both? What if Guy 2, faced with the possibility of us not seeing each other ever again wants to develop into a relationship? I certainly don't want to hurt anyone, be viewed as a sleaze but am a bit confused.

Wow…this really is long and I apologize but I thought it would be easier for you all if you had the history. Thanks for reading this and I appreciate any feedback you can give me.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 12:18pm

I think it would be in your best interests, emotionally, to stop seeing Guy 2...but if you're not ready to stop seeing him, you're not. So long as you take full responsiblity for chosing to continue despite the high risk that you will almost certainly get hurt at some point if you continue to see him, then that's your choice.

I personally am not comfortable with sleeping with more than one person, so if I were in your shoes, dating Guy 1 would be fine (not ideal but ok) but I wouldn't sleep with him until you're ready to be exclusive and cut things off with Guy 2. You also need to be honest with him *if he asks* whether you're seeing other people (honest but not tacky or hurtful...there's no need to disclose that you're sleeping with Guy 2 so long as you're not sleeping with Guy 1).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 3:43pm

freespirit_gal...

PG would like to play devil's advocate.....

Suppose you dated both of these men and they BOTH unexpectedly showed up on your doorstep at the same time? How would you handle it?

What would happen if both men were expecting you to sleep with them on the same night?

Even more fun....what if Guy 1 asked for your hand in marriage?

Go with Sheri's advice. The potential headaches YOU DON'T NEED!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 5:16pm
I would probably not date either of them. They are both unavailable for different reasons. Guy #1 wants to date someone closer to his house, so dating him will only last awhile. Guy #2 can only see you once a month or so and he's really busy with work and kids. It seems you want more than a once a month date. So you don't want to become attached to either of them or it will be tougher when things end with them.

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