Can I fix this?
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Can I fix this?
| Tue, 04-20-2004 - 12:29pm |
I have been seeing someone for about two months. I have been divorced one year with a teenage daughter at home. The relationship is very new and we have been keeping it light. My daughter's father remarried recently and being divorced for 9 years. She has said she wants to live with them because I am unhappy and need time to straighten out my life. She spent the last two weeks with her dad.
Feeling very confused and rejected, I became a little too clingy to my new guy. Sunday night after having too much to drink, I go to his house. In our conversation, I push for an idea about how he feels about me. We are both gunshy about getting involved at this point. I left angry with myself for pushing him and expecting him to fix my problems.
Should I try to apologize and explain that I was indulging in a pity party. I know that I am the only one that can fix it. I really enjoy his company and want to get know him better. Should I try to explain, maybe in an email or just let it be for a while?

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Boy, this dating thing is harder than it used to be!
Think of it this way. With any problem there are 3 main components; The Facts, The Emotions and The People. Men will often break down the problem into these 3 components, search for the facts of the issue and then form a plan of action to resolve the problem. Women will often keep the 3 components blended with a primary focus on the emotions and how they feel about the issue. Often the expectation is for men to understand and validate her emotion and to not propose a plan of action to resolve the issue based on the facts. Many women just want to "feel" better about the situation and many men have no idea how to do that as the facts of the issue remain. What many men need to learn is that often women want an "emotional safety-net" to fall into so that they can vent, cry or whatever to breakdown the emotional part of the problem at hand. That way she will feel that her emotions are prioritized by the man in her life. My personal experience is that rarely is a woman willing to address the true issue facts before she feels that her emotions have been prioritized.
The other part of this is that you own and choose your feelings - men don't choose them for you. It is these fundamental/processing differences that cause the majority of communication issues in relationships in my opinion.
I encourage to think about what you need to have in your life for your daughter to feel safe and comfortable with you. You own that obligation 100%. As you develop your plan of how you are going to achieve that goal, share the facts with this guy. If he can contribute value to the facts you develop he will probably do so willingly.
Firstly, the original upset is directly tied to how the OP presented her emotions and feelings to the man. She can approach him and apologize for her emotional outburst, especially if she tried to place responsibility for her emotions on him. I don't know if this is true, but it does sound like she expected him to listen and accept her vent regardless of her choice in words. Many times, women do this with other women successfully. This is why many men will say "please do not talk to us like you talk to your girlfriends".
Secondly, the true issue here seems to be related to her daughter and her desire to move to her dad's home. The OP feels "rejected" due to this. But, what is her plan of action to actually resolve the issue at hand? As she develops that plan, a second conversation can take place with the man. If he shares concern over the daughter and the OP's plan to build a safe and comfortable place for the daughter - he will respond with value. This conversation needs to be fact-based moreso than emotion-driven.
Two very different conversations with two very different outcomes.
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