Can I fix this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Can I fix this?
12
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 12:29pm
I have been seeing someone for about two months. I have been divorced one year with a teenage daughter at home. The relationship is very new and we have been keeping it light. My daughter's father remarried recently and being divorced for 9 years. She has said she wants to live with them because I am unhappy and need time to straighten out my life. She spent the last two weeks with her dad.

Feeling very confused and rejected, I became a little too clingy to my new guy. Sunday night after having too much to drink, I go to his house. In our conversation, I push for an idea about how he feels about me. We are both gunshy about getting involved at this point. I left angry with myself for pushing him and expecting him to fix my problems.

Should I try to apologize and explain that I was indulging in a pity party. I know that I am the only one that can fix it. I really enjoy his company and want to get know him better. Should I try to explain, maybe in an email or just let it be for a while?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
In reply to: jab43
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 1:11pm
I would talk to him --- face to face, if possible, or on the phone -- not e-mail. It's too impersonal and leaves too much to interpretation and possible misunderstanding. But when you talk to him, keep it light. Let him know you've been going through a lot and were feeling a little confused. But don't talk about "feelings" too much, or use the word in your conversation if possible. If he tends to use words like "I hear you" so he communicates using auditory phrases, try to incorporate those types of phrases to explain your position. It will help him understand you better and be open to hearing what you have to say. The same goes if he's more of a visual communicator - says "I see ..." type of phrases. The more you can communicate with him in a language he uses, the better he will be able to accept and understand your point of view. Not very many guys talk about how they feel about things, esp. relationships. So they get antsy when women do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: jab43
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 1:22pm
I think you may be right.

Boy, this dating thing is harder than it used to be!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
In reply to: jab43
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 4:30pm
Tell me about it! I can't even find men to date let alone build a relationship with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: jab43
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 4:47pm
Should I tell him I enjoy his company and hope we continue to go out?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jab43
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 5:38pm
From a guy's perspective I'd encourage a face-to-face conversation based on the facts moreso than the feelings. Men generally process facts easier and more willingly than shifting emotions and feelings.

Think of it this way. With any problem there are 3 main components; The Facts, The Emotions and The People. Men will often break down the problem into these 3 components, search for the facts of the issue and then form a plan of action to resolve the problem. Women will often keep the 3 components blended with a primary focus on the emotions and how they feel about the issue. Often the expectation is for men to understand and validate her emotion and to not propose a plan of action to resolve the issue based on the facts. Many women just want to "feel" better about the situation and many men have no idea how to do that as the facts of the issue remain. What many men need to learn is that often women want an "emotional safety-net" to fall into so that they can vent, cry or whatever to breakdown the emotional part of the problem at hand. That way she will feel that her emotions are prioritized by the man in her life. My personal experience is that rarely is a woman willing to address the true issue facts before she feels that her emotions have been prioritized.

The other part of this is that you own and choose your feelings - men don't choose them for you. It is these fundamental/processing differences that cause the majority of communication issues in relationships in my opinion.

I encourage to think about what you need to have in your life for your daughter to feel safe and comfortable with you. You own that obligation 100%. As you develop your plan of how you are going to achieve that goal, share the facts with this guy. If he can contribute value to the facts you develop he will probably do so willingly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: jab43
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 5:40pm
I think it might be better to back off a bit. Don't call him for a couple of days, and when he calls you, DEFINITELY don't get into another "heavy" discussion...he will feel even more pressured. The most you might say is "you know, I've been going through some challenges. I'm glad to have your friendship." Leave it at that. Don't say anything about hoping to continue going out with him. Let HIM say that, if he wants to continue seeing you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
In reply to: jab43
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 6:23pm
Sure! It's all in the approach.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
In reply to: jab43
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 6:39pm
Actually I take that back. I agree with Jilly. Back off a little. Let him pursue you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
In reply to: jab43
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 6:44pm
Very insightful, spiceman. Definitely food for thought. Tell me, if a woman wanted to apologize to a man regarding the way she had treated him, how would you approach that, based on your idea of presenting the facts without the emotion?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jab43
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 7:12pm
There are 2 parts to this.

Firstly, the original upset is directly tied to how the OP presented her emotions and feelings to the man. She can approach him and apologize for her emotional outburst, especially if she tried to place responsibility for her emotions on him. I don't know if this is true, but it does sound like she expected him to listen and accept her vent regardless of her choice in words. Many times, women do this with other women successfully. This is why many men will say "please do not talk to us like you talk to your girlfriends".

Secondly, the true issue here seems to be related to her daughter and her desire to move to her dad's home. The OP feels "rejected" due to this. But, what is her plan of action to actually resolve the issue at hand? As she develops that plan, a second conversation can take place with the man. If he shares concern over the daughter and the OP's plan to build a safe and comfortable place for the daughter - he will respond with value. This conversation needs to be fact-based moreso than emotion-driven.

Two very different conversations with two very different outcomes.

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