Can I get him to see she wrong for him?
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Can I get him to see she wrong for him?
| Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:25am |
Five months ago I met this guy "Pepper" at work. He had just started working there and he seemed pretty cool. Then we got to know eachother really well. Before I knew it we were always together at work, (even though we were getting in trouble for talking and not working).
Then in March he and his girlfriend had this huge fight and he left the house they were sharing. "Pepper" called me up and asked if I wanted to hang out with him after work and because he needed someone to listen to him. I met up with him and before I knew it that day turned into him staying with me because he had no where to live. Then we started, uhmmm, being intimate. He and I were getting totally caught up in this really crazy affair.
But "woman" was still in the picture. She is 12 years his senior and she apparently is really good at manipulating him. Long story short, she is not quite what I would call emotionally stable. Their relationship has been on and off for 3 yrs. I have become the one person in his life he trusts unconditionally. I have found that my feelings for him are strong and he has the same for me. But "woman" has a huge tight leash on him called "you owe me". (To try and exlplain more of their relationship would be taking up all the space here.)
Anyways....We both were having a hard time because he feels like he should try to at least see if things can work for them, but he is torn because he is crazy about me. I tell him all the time that I would be a better person for him but he doesn't seem to hear me. Just about every time they are together she is always starting a fight with him. And he comes running to me. She is not the one for him, not saying I am, but she is always hurting him. She can make him cry!
I know that I could be a good girlfriend to him, but he keeps going back to her. Well I decided that I couldn't wait anymore, so we agreed to be just friends. But the friends thing is so hard for us! We live together as roommates and sometimes we share a bed! (no sex)
I guess what I am looking for here can someone please tell me if I am being an idiot and just asking for trouble by staying friends with him? Could I possibly be able to make him realize she is the wrong person for him? Or am I just setting myself up for major heartache?
Then in March he and his girlfriend had this huge fight and he left the house they were sharing. "Pepper" called me up and asked if I wanted to hang out with him after work and because he needed someone to listen to him. I met up with him and before I knew it that day turned into him staying with me because he had no where to live. Then we started, uhmmm, being intimate. He and I were getting totally caught up in this really crazy affair.
But "woman" was still in the picture. She is 12 years his senior and she apparently is really good at manipulating him. Long story short, she is not quite what I would call emotionally stable. Their relationship has been on and off for 3 yrs. I have become the one person in his life he trusts unconditionally. I have found that my feelings for him are strong and he has the same for me. But "woman" has a huge tight leash on him called "you owe me". (To try and exlplain more of their relationship would be taking up all the space here.)
Anyways....We both were having a hard time because he feels like he should try to at least see if things can work for them, but he is torn because he is crazy about me. I tell him all the time that I would be a better person for him but he doesn't seem to hear me. Just about every time they are together she is always starting a fight with him. And he comes running to me. She is not the one for him, not saying I am, but she is always hurting him. She can make him cry!
I know that I could be a good girlfriend to him, but he keeps going back to her. Well I decided that I couldn't wait anymore, so we agreed to be just friends. But the friends thing is so hard for us! We live together as roommates and sometimes we share a bed! (no sex)
I guess what I am looking for here can someone please tell me if I am being an idiot and just asking for trouble by staying friends with him? Could I possibly be able to make him realize she is the wrong person for him? Or am I just setting myself up for major heartache?
I know this was a long one, but I have no one to talk to about this. He is my best friend and I can't ask him this stuff! I need feedback. But I don't want to be told I am being stupid and drop him, yadda yadda yadda. I just want some real advice. Both female and male perspective would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

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If you really wanted to make things her or me, stop sleeping in the same bed with him, stop doing anything remotely "intimate" even just a quick kiss, stay completely off that and date other men.
If you two are so "right" for one another he'll realize it. Watch Dr. Phil, people do what they want because they get something from it. He is getting something from this relationship that you may not see or understand, she doesn't have "control" over him etc. He chooses to stay, all that other stuff is just excuses he's made up. If he wanted to be out of the relationship he would. He doesn't.
He's not leaving her. PERIOD. He's the kind of guy that wants the best of both worlds. Someone to support him and someone to sleep with. Why leave the little woman when you're handing out the sex for free?
And if he did leave her for you, would you really want a cheater? You knew he did it with her, what's to stop him from doing it with you?
Kick him out, no more roommate, no more friend. Go on and find a great guy who is serious about ONLY you. You deserve better than this player.
*shrug* I do hope I can find someone. I seem to ALWAYS end up with a guy who has girlfriend or a WIFE! I can't seem to just meet single guys. What am I doing wrong? Why am I so easy to use by men? I know I am allowing it but I can't figure out how I am doing it. And here I thought that when I was older and no longer a teenager it would be easier to understand! Go figure!
Soon enough he will be out of the picture. He is going to be a truck driver and I told him it would be best if he left his things at his mother's place. She may not want him back home, but she is willing to hold his stuff. I am taking the first step, right?
That said, are you finding out that they are married or have girlfriends before you get involved? My thought is yes. In that case I agree with Sally that you need to tell them no and not get involved. I met a guy at the gas station I worked at years ago, he was a nice guy and made lots of money out in the bush. We flirted back and forth and then started talking about getting together. I pulled back a little because I felt that he was just pushing to get me in the sack- not to start a relationship- and I began to question why? So I started to dig to see if he was in fact with someone. I caught him off guard and I called him on it. YEP, he had a girlfriend AND he lived with her. I stopped giving him the time of day after that. He kept trying to talk to me. Finally he gave up.
You have to stand your ground and not get sucked in by the attention these guys give. If you are not ready for a committed relationship, it could be why you are looking at these types of men- they cannot commit to you because they are with someone else. But then you feel used and degrated. Work on yourself and what you want and deserve and tell the jerks to take a hike.
Yes a lot of it comes from me being extremely scared to commit. I have never had good examples of what a good relationship is and I look for the ones that seem to not go to far.
I admit I am a sexual person. I enjoy it and I do like to be with someone who is like that also. But I don't see why that should be the main cause. I know lots of couples who like sex and yet they have a steady relationship w/o all the crap.
Maybe I am trying to find excuses but who knows. I have decided that I am not going to just jump into the next relationship because he is a good guy. Ever since I started dating I jump into a relationship with guys very quickly. I guess because then at least I can say I am sleeping with my boyfriend and that I won't be labled a slut for sleeping around.
I can definitely agree that I am sending out vibes, but am I sending them out to the wrong person, or are they the wrong way to send out vibes? UGH! One of these days I will get all this figured out.
As for this guy, saying goodbye
The only thing i would know to do in this situation would be to let him know in some way that you care for him but that you cant be his shoulder to lean on everytime something goes wrong with he and his "woman",not saying that you cant be a friend to him but if your still intrested in him and he is in you,and things are getting no better with he and "woman";then i believe hes tired enough(3 years off and on is a long time to be settling diffrences,breaking up and being together)If he still will not let her go,and she him.Then honey you have to realise that he stil wants to be with her,eventhough hes crazy about you,he doesnt want to give her up.
I hope this helps you in some way. *
He is a friend and that's what also makes it so hard to turn him away. I am always such a sucker when it comes to my friends whether they are girls or guys. He is a friend in a lot of ways. Differences aside I know that I can trust him with a lot. But sometimes I feel like being his friend is only going to make things worse. I hate giving up on friends but....
I have started taking steps to make things better for me in a lot of ways. I have given "kiss off" letters to 2 guys who were still around. Both married and saying they love me but they can't leave thier wives. Then one of them did and suddenly I was not good enough anymore. But I seemed to keep them around because they always said things I liked to hear all the time. I have now realized they were just jerks who were using me to fulfill their "I wish I were still single" moods. Not anymore!
But I did get him thinking. Seems like he saw my point. Whether or not he realizes it, that's another story. I know him well and I know he can do better than her, even if it's not me. But I think it all has to do with him being young and inexperienced and her being older and knowing how to take advantage of the situation.
I am better than that. I do deserve a guy who can love me and only me. Not try to share his feelings for different girls. I know I will find a guy like that soon enough. I guess patience is needed and well I am not known for my patience.
Why does it, though, feel like sometimes you are just never going to find that guy? I know no guy is perfect, but why does it feel like such a job? I know I am not super gorgeous or anything. I know I don't look like a guy's idea of a dream girl. But damn it I am pretty and I have a great personality and awesome sense of humor. Why is that never good enough? Again because I offer those things up to the wrong guys.
I swear sometimes I wish I was a nun or in my 80's and didn't have to worry about men!
J/K!
Thanks everyone for listening.
I will be back with more!!!
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