Can love grow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Can love grow?
36
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:04am
For just over 2 months I've been seeing someone regularly. We started having sex early on in the relationship and everything was fine at first. Then for the past few weeks he's been very moody and bad tempered. Last night we went out for the last time before he flies home for a fortnight's holiday which he needs as he has been working hard in a dead end job and is exhausted.
Quite early on in the relationship he told me he wasn't in love with me but liked me a lot. However, it now bothers him very much that I am in love with him and he cannot reciprocate. He has changed a lot recently, both because of his work and money problems and because our relationship bothers him. He now says he doesn't want a relationship with me but doesn't want to lose me either. I asked him to give it time and maybe love will grow. He says you either feel love immediately or you never do and that it is not the same between us as it was between him and his ex-wife with whom he was very much in love. I think we have enough between us not to throw it all away and that just over 2 months is not very long. Of course I love him and would do anything for him and this irritates him. I said if I cannot stop wanting more maybe he would want to call a halt to it but he says I am an 'unusual case' and he wants to keep seeing me but for him to do the initiating more (it is always me who calls) and probably if I kept my distance a bit it might do him good. These 2 weeks he is going to be away are probably a good start. Do you think absence can make his heart grow fonder and can love grow out of friendship and empathy and attraction. Btw..he says he feels bad about the sex part and asked if I'd ever had sex with a guy a few times and then decided to stop it as there was no love and just keep to being friends with him and that he'd like to do that. I am not sure how much he means that since he is still attracted to me and keeps holding my hand and putting his arm round me. Mixed messages?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:11am

I don't think there is a mixed message at all here. This man enjoys intimacy, friendship and sex with you, however, he is not going to fall in love with you and he is telling you that up front.

You may not be a good match for him. If he is moody and stressed after 2 months, I don't think things will be getting much better.

I would suggest you cut your losses with this man and find a guy who wants to fall in love with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 10:42am
Yes he has told me that up front but he knows I want more and still he hangs on in there. I simply wonder if it is possible, for a person to fall in love later despite what he says in the beginning? And two months is really not a long time I think.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:40am

I don't think it works that way for most guys. I think they pretty much decide quite soon after meeting you if they are interested in you as a potential serious partner or not...and once you're in the "not" category, I don't think very many men will move you over into the "serious" category.

Besides, the whole money thing you posted about before is a huge red flag, IMO.

I think it would be in your best interests to use the 2 weeks to start to distance yourself emotionally and move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
In reply to: stefania9
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:48am

I would say, REDUCE/Eliminate your hopes and expectations, and let him go, so to say. You can stay in touch with him as a friend, but TRY HARD to not initiate calls any more. Do NOT get emotional with him and stop any relationship talks for a while. Let Him initiate calls *most* of the time. Keep your talks short. I mean this. These 2 weeks is a good time to get that space for him. Give that to him.

You don't want to be left broken-hearted and deeply pained in the end do you. And, since he has told you the situation in his own words, you have to go by it. He is affectionate with you because he likes you very much, but Love...? That feeling is different.

Yes, love can certainly grow. But in some cases, I have to agree with him, when we don't feel it initially, it never comes back again, however NICE the other person is. This isn't a RULE, but it happens.

So do the above-mentioned things, and this way, IF he is interested, he will come back to you, if not, you would have cut your losses by practicing NO expectations.

And don't get intimate with him at this stage, however much you'd like it, because that might lead to more complications, confusion, pressure, and hurt later on, esp because you are already emotionally involved here, and he cares about you too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
In reply to: stefania9
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 12:40pm
Stefania....where to begin? My guess is that you'll get plenty of response from this post. First off, you say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' but how about 'out of sight out of mind?' I agree that absence makes the heart grow fonder---IF--it's in the right place to begin with, and his is NOT. Two invaluable lessons I've learned the past 2 years are: 1)believe someone when they show you their colors....and 2)if it ain't there, then it ain't there. In 2004 I met a "great guy"...I was 34 never married and wanted nothing more in life than to have my own family to take care of. Clock is ticking. He and I had lots of fun together, fabulous sex, lots of common interests, he NEVER wanted to argue....seemed like a perfect match. So even though my gut told me to "move on" I didn't listen, and I MARRIED HIM. It lasted 2 months and I filed for divorce. I was confusing "loving" with "being in love." Yes, sex was great, but we never 'made love' ---or at least I didn't with him, but he felt he was making love to me b/c he was "in love" with me. I want a man who sparks my heart when he enters the room. I fully realize that relationships ebb and flow, but I at least want/deserve to have it in the very beginning.
2) Your guy wants his cake and to eat it too. That's not fair to you, b/c his heart is NOT in this relationship. You're emotionally attached so you're making all sorts of excuses for him (job, fatigue, wrong timing, etc)--but we all do this. Anyway he's flat out told you, in plain english that he's not in love with you and of course he doesn't want to "throw it away!" He's got a great woman who would do anything for him and he gets sex when he wants it and she accepts the fact that she's only getting crumbs from him. BUT---sometimes we don't know what we have until we lose it. Possibly, he's one of those men who has to lose the best thing that ever happened to him before he realizes just how awesome you are.
And sure love can grow.....but that's a different kind of love than what you want from your lover/spouse/boyfriend. I'm NOT saying that when you meet your sig other, that you're immediately "in love" clearly that takes time. But in the beginning...that "feeling" must be there. I went on several dates with a guy....it kind of liked him...."something" about him made me want to see him again (it was that “feeling”).....then one evening that "something" took fire! That's when I really began falling for him....my point is that you've been seeing this guy for 2 months...the spark is either there or it's not...and he has told you that it is not. You're wasting your precious time--time which you will never get back, on someone who cannot and/or will not reciprocate your feelings. IT YOU LOVE IT SET IT FREE, IF IT RETURNS IT WAS MEANT TO BE. (I apologize if I sound harsh, best wishes)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:53pm
Thank you for your interesting answers:) I don't know whether I agree about the 'spark' thing. It was about 2 weeks before I really fell for him, before that I fancied him a lot but I wasn't so much in love. He says it takes longer to fall in love but then he said he thinks he'll never be in love with me. We talked a lot last night and he said he was uncomfortable because he cannot classify what we have; we are not lovers (moreover since he has stopped the sex with me now and said he should never have started it), but we are not friends either. He says with any other woman he'd have finished with her but we have something 'unusual' which is why he says he stays with me. He said he knows I want more than friendship so I suppose if he really is, in the end, uncomfortable with the situation, he will finish it himself. He would have to. Of course I fear that he may find another woman. In that case of course we really would have to split up. Meanwhile, the only course of action is not to initiate calls and to give him space. He says my 'pressure' is one of the things that make him mad. Rather irritatingly, he said if he was in love with me he'd welcome all my calls etc. I think he is being a bit childish and spiteful sometimes as he also said that he'd be a lot nicer to me if he was in love with me. He said he was very in love with his ex-wife so obviously love by itself doesn't improve his moods or control of them!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: stefania9
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 3:41pm
OK, the more you talk on this, the more I think this guy is a big jerk.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 4:10pm
The thing is that when I called his bluff and agreed to be just friends he refused to drop the subject and kept saying 'but you want more, don't you?' and 'what exactly do you want from me?' All men who have regretted/felt guilty about having sex with me as they haven't wanted relationships have said 'let's be friends' and used it as a dumping line. Instead, this guy seems to want to stay in touch (we have plans to start a business together when we find suitable premises so have to be in touch because of that too) and said 'ok, let's be friends and see if anything develops though I don't think it will.' His bad moods and rudeness he explains because I contact him too often so now I am trying not to do that. I contact him once a day with anything I need to tell him. I don't think that is unreasonable but he says he feels obligated to meet me and it is a duty rather than a pleasure. He later apologised and said he was stressed out and would be nicer after his holiday. Whatever we do have is clearly not friendship since friends are comfortable with each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: stefania9
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 4:27pm

He sounds almost a bit sadistic - he knows you want more and that he will always deny you more but he likes keeping you around anyway for his own grins.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: stefania9
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 4:33pm

Hon, he's telling you straight out that no matter how long he's with you, he has no intention of being with you nor falling in love with you. You're grasping at straws hoping, to the detriment of your own heart. Don't you think you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you just as much?


Of course he wants to hang on because this situation suits him perfectly--no commitment, he's been straight up with you and you're sticking around. This is one of those situations in which he's having his cake and eating it too.


Don't you deserve more?

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