Can love grow?
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Can love grow?
| Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:04am |
For just over 2 months I've been seeing someone regularly. We started having sex early on in the relationship and everything was fine at first. Then for the past few weeks he's been very moody and bad tempered. Last night we went out for the last time before he flies home for a fortnight's holiday which he needs as he has been working hard in a dead end job and is exhausted.
Quite early on in the relationship he told me he wasn't in love with me but liked me a lot. However, it now bothers him very much that I am in love with him and he cannot reciprocate. He has changed a lot recently, both because of his work and money problems and because our relationship bothers him. He now says he doesn't want a relationship with me but doesn't want to lose me either. I asked him to give it time and maybe love will grow. He says you either feel love immediately or you never do and that it is not the same between us as it was between him and his ex-wife with whom he was very much in love. I think we have enough between us not to throw it all away and that just over 2 months is not very long. Of course I love him and would do anything for him and this irritates him. I said if I cannot stop wanting more maybe he would want to call a halt to it but he says I am an 'unusual case' and he wants to keep seeing me but for him to do the initiating more (it is always me who calls) and probably if I kept my distance a bit it might do him good. These 2 weeks he is going to be away are probably a good start. Do you think absence can make his heart grow fonder and can love grow out of friendship and empathy and attraction. Btw..he says he feels bad about the sex part and asked if I'd ever had sex with a guy a few times and then decided to stop it as there was no love and just keep to being friends with him and that he'd like to do that. I am not sure how much he means that since he is still attracted to me and keeps holding my hand and putting his arm round me. Mixed messages?
Quite early on in the relationship he told me he wasn't in love with me but liked me a lot. However, it now bothers him very much that I am in love with him and he cannot reciprocate. He has changed a lot recently, both because of his work and money problems and because our relationship bothers him. He now says he doesn't want a relationship with me but doesn't want to lose me either. I asked him to give it time and maybe love will grow. He says you either feel love immediately or you never do and that it is not the same between us as it was between him and his ex-wife with whom he was very much in love. I think we have enough between us not to throw it all away and that just over 2 months is not very long. Of course I love him and would do anything for him and this irritates him. I said if I cannot stop wanting more maybe he would want to call a halt to it but he says I am an 'unusual case' and he wants to keep seeing me but for him to do the initiating more (it is always me who calls) and probably if I kept my distance a bit it might do him good. These 2 weeks he is going to be away are probably a good start. Do you think absence can make his heart grow fonder and can love grow out of friendship and empathy and attraction. Btw..he says he feels bad about the sex part and asked if I'd ever had sex with a guy a few times and then decided to stop it as there was no love and just keep to being friends with him and that he'd like to do that. I am not sure how much he means that since he is still attracted to me and keeps holding my hand and putting his arm round me. Mixed messages?

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I don't think there is a mixed message at all here. This man enjoys intimacy, friendship and sex with you, however, he is not going to fall in love with you and he is telling you that up front.
You may not be a good match for him. If he is moody and stressed after 2 months, I don't think things will be getting much better.
I would suggest you cut your losses with this man and find a guy who wants to fall in love with you.
I don't think it works that way for most guys. I think they pretty much decide quite soon after meeting you if they are interested in you as a potential serious partner or not...and once you're in the "not" category, I don't think very many men will move you over into the "serious" category.
Besides, the whole money thing you posted about before is a huge red flag, IMO.
I think it would be in your best interests to use the 2 weeks to start to distance yourself emotionally and move on.
Sheri
I would say, REDUCE/Eliminate your hopes and expectations, and let him go, so to say. You can stay in touch with him as a friend, but TRY HARD to not initiate calls any more. Do NOT get emotional with him and stop any relationship talks for a while. Let Him initiate calls *most* of the time. Keep your talks short. I mean this. These 2 weeks is a good time to get that space for him. Give that to him.
You don't want to be left broken-hearted and deeply pained in the end do you. And, since he has told you the situation in his own words, you have to go by it. He is affectionate with you because he likes you very much, but Love...? That feeling is different.
Yes, love can certainly grow. But in some cases, I have to agree with him, when we don't feel it initially, it never comes back again, however NICE the other person is. This isn't a RULE, but it happens.
So do the above-mentioned things, and this way, IF he is interested, he will come back to you, if not, you would have cut your losses by practicing NO expectations.
And don't get intimate with him at this stage, however much you'd like it, because that might lead to more complications, confusion, pressure, and hurt later on, esp because you are already emotionally involved here, and he cares about you too.
2) Your guy wants his cake and to eat it too. That's not fair to you, b/c his heart is NOT in this relationship. You're emotionally attached so you're making all sorts of excuses for him (job, fatigue, wrong timing, etc)--but we all do this. Anyway he's flat out told you, in plain english that he's not in love with you and of course he doesn't want to "throw it away!" He's got a great woman who would do anything for him and he gets sex when he wants it and she accepts the fact that she's only getting crumbs from him. BUT---sometimes we don't know what we have until we lose it. Possibly, he's one of those men who has to lose the best thing that ever happened to him before he realizes just how awesome you are.
And sure love can grow.....but that's a different kind of love than what you want from your lover/spouse/boyfriend. I'm NOT saying that when you meet your sig other, that you're immediately "in love" clearly that takes time. But in the beginning...that "feeling" must be there. I went on several dates with a guy....it kind of liked him...."something" about him made me want to see him again (it was that “feeling”).....then one evening that "something" took fire! That's when I really began falling for him....my point is that you've been seeing this guy for 2 months...the spark is either there or it's not...and he has told you that it is not. You're wasting your precious time--time which you will never get back, on someone who cannot and/or will not reciprocate your feelings. IT YOU LOVE IT SET IT FREE, IF IT RETURNS IT WAS MEANT TO BE. (I apologize if I sound harsh, best wishes)
He sounds almost a bit sadistic - he knows you want more and that he will always deny you more but he likes keeping you around anyway for his own grins.
Hon, he's telling you straight out that no matter how long he's with you, he has no intention of being with you nor falling in love with you. You're grasping at straws hoping, to the detriment of your own heart. Don't you think you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you just as much?
Of course he wants to hang on because this situation suits him perfectly--no commitment, he's been straight up with you and you're sticking around. This is one of those situations in which he's having his cake and eating it too.
Don't you deserve more?
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