Can love grow?
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Can love grow?
| Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:04am |
For just over 2 months I've been seeing someone regularly. We started having sex early on in the relationship and everything was fine at first. Then for the past few weeks he's been very moody and bad tempered. Last night we went out for the last time before he flies home for a fortnight's holiday which he needs as he has been working hard in a dead end job and is exhausted.
Quite early on in the relationship he told me he wasn't in love with me but liked me a lot. However, it now bothers him very much that I am in love with him and he cannot reciprocate. He has changed a lot recently, both because of his work and money problems and because our relationship bothers him. He now says he doesn't want a relationship with me but doesn't want to lose me either. I asked him to give it time and maybe love will grow. He says you either feel love immediately or you never do and that it is not the same between us as it was between him and his ex-wife with whom he was very much in love. I think we have enough between us not to throw it all away and that just over 2 months is not very long. Of course I love him and would do anything for him and this irritates him. I said if I cannot stop wanting more maybe he would want to call a halt to it but he says I am an 'unusual case' and he wants to keep seeing me but for him to do the initiating more (it is always me who calls) and probably if I kept my distance a bit it might do him good. These 2 weeks he is going to be away are probably a good start. Do you think absence can make his heart grow fonder and can love grow out of friendship and empathy and attraction. Btw..he says he feels bad about the sex part and asked if I'd ever had sex with a guy a few times and then decided to stop it as there was no love and just keep to being friends with him and that he'd like to do that. I am not sure how much he means that since he is still attracted to me and keeps holding my hand and putting his arm round me. Mixed messages?
Quite early on in the relationship he told me he wasn't in love with me but liked me a lot. However, it now bothers him very much that I am in love with him and he cannot reciprocate. He has changed a lot recently, both because of his work and money problems and because our relationship bothers him. He now says he doesn't want a relationship with me but doesn't want to lose me either. I asked him to give it time and maybe love will grow. He says you either feel love immediately or you never do and that it is not the same between us as it was between him and his ex-wife with whom he was very much in love. I think we have enough between us not to throw it all away and that just over 2 months is not very long. Of course I love him and would do anything for him and this irritates him. I said if I cannot stop wanting more maybe he would want to call a halt to it but he says I am an 'unusual case' and he wants to keep seeing me but for him to do the initiating more (it is always me who calls) and probably if I kept my distance a bit it might do him good. These 2 weeks he is going to be away are probably a good start. Do you think absence can make his heart grow fonder and can love grow out of friendship and empathy and attraction. Btw..he says he feels bad about the sex part and asked if I'd ever had sex with a guy a few times and then decided to stop it as there was no love and just keep to being friends with him and that he'd like to do that. I am not sure how much he means that since he is still attracted to me and keeps holding my hand and putting his arm round me. Mixed messages?

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I can't believe you're even CONSIDERING going into business with this man!!!
I hope you have a REALLY good lawyer, is all I can say.
Sheri
Holy cow!
I agree about his being rather sadistic. Before he used to be much nicer and the relationship was a lot more romantic which is why I got used to speaking to him every day. Now he has moved the goalposts and says he just wants friendship. When I say I agree to this, he seems uncomfortable about it and keeps discussing the relationship and accusing me of wanting more but does not want to break contact with me. Although you could say he wants to have his cake and eat it, he does not seem to be enjoying the cake very much! He also likes boasting about all the girlfriends he had after his marriage broke up who were madly in love with him and who he dumped including one who he just had sex and little else with for 6 months and when she wanted to marry him, he said he was not in love with her and dumped her. He said hardly any woman will be able to conquest his heart and that only he can do the conquesting.
Stephanie
I think he is getting irritated and pressured because perhaps stefania is indeed pressuring him with emotions, and expectations. A similar thing happened with me, and I knew I was at fault, because I was indeed, pressuring him with things he Just was not prepared for. He'd get irritated and upset everytime I brought up the relationship talk. But I agree, that what he said would be very hurting to me...the "If was in love with you, I'd be nicer" sentence. He is acting a bit insensitive towards you. But he is being really honest, and that infact makes things easier for you Stefania. Atleast, you don't have to keep guessing why he is refusing a relationship.
Stefania, you got it right. Just give him space, and try to wean yourself away from his life. Try to move ON with life....gently. You don't have to immediately start dating, but you can make new friends right? Do that. When you show that you are not *dependent* on him anymore for validation and reassurance and for your happiness, that's when you will become more attractive to him.
PS: Ofcourse, you know him best, but I do wonder if you should be using up any more of your emotions on him. Am not getting a good vibe on the kind of guy he is.
You need to totally leave this man alone, else you will be dragging yourself into harm. Listen to your mind. The red flags are everywhere. Be strong. Be your own person.
As for pressuring him, I am now NOT doing that and it is he who kept pressuring me after I agreed to be friends and didn't make any moves towards him by his keeping saying 'oh, but you want more don't you?' He has told me he is not in love with me REPEATEDLY whereas once would have been enough. He also told me sex with me was not good as he didn't love me which I think is plain hurtful. I think sex with him was not good as he is selfish in bed as well as everywhere else in his life.
Plus whenever we have gone out recently I have always ended up paying and paying for the apartment janitor to travel into town and open his door when he locked himself out one day and forgot his keys.
I don't see how he can be friends with me if he cannot behave in a friendly respectful way. His work problems are not my fault. I think you are right and one problem of mine is I need new friends and in fact recently made two new women friends and this has helped a lot. This guy is now abroad and asked me to ring him with some business news he wanted but his cellphone is always off so I merely messaged him and said I wasn't going to try anymore.
He may not be able to love me but at least he has to respect me and I am not going to take any more unacceptable behaviour from him now.
Get away from this guy now.
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