Can love grow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Can love grow?
36
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:04am
For just over 2 months I've been seeing someone regularly. We started having sex early on in the relationship and everything was fine at first. Then for the past few weeks he's been very moody and bad tempered. Last night we went out for the last time before he flies home for a fortnight's holiday which he needs as he has been working hard in a dead end job and is exhausted.
Quite early on in the relationship he told me he wasn't in love with me but liked me a lot. However, it now bothers him very much that I am in love with him and he cannot reciprocate. He has changed a lot recently, both because of his work and money problems and because our relationship bothers him. He now says he doesn't want a relationship with me but doesn't want to lose me either. I asked him to give it time and maybe love will grow. He says you either feel love immediately or you never do and that it is not the same between us as it was between him and his ex-wife with whom he was very much in love. I think we have enough between us not to throw it all away and that just over 2 months is not very long. Of course I love him and would do anything for him and this irritates him. I said if I cannot stop wanting more maybe he would want to call a halt to it but he says I am an 'unusual case' and he wants to keep seeing me but for him to do the initiating more (it is always me who calls) and probably if I kept my distance a bit it might do him good. These 2 weeks he is going to be away are probably a good start. Do you think absence can make his heart grow fonder and can love grow out of friendship and empathy and attraction. Btw..he says he feels bad about the sex part and asked if I'd ever had sex with a guy a few times and then decided to stop it as there was no love and just keep to being friends with him and that he'd like to do that. I am not sure how much he means that since he is still attracted to me and keeps holding my hand and putting his arm round me. Mixed messages?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 2:21am
Thank you. In fact it was unethical of the lawyer, but he thinks we are business partners or in a very close relationship and so told me the debt was still unpaid. I knew the court proceedings were against this man since he was naive enough to show me the documents early on when we met...possibly wanting sympathy. I wonder why the proceedings weren't against both names of he and his business partner? Also, he pleads poverty and I always end up paying for everything when we go out (and I am without work at the moment and certainly earning less than him although I have savings) and yet he earns a good wage (he told me how much) as a waiter which he earns 'black' (does not declare the income to the tax authorities) as well as receiving a monthly unemployment benefit allowance from this country which he insults all the time. So he is playing the system. I sent him two messages the day he flew away but he did not answer either of them (they were connected with our business plans) despite saying he would keep his cellphone on when he is abroad. So he is also unreliable and yes, I would now be very concerned about starting any business venture with him plus the fact that he now seems unable to keep a civil tongue in his head.
The first month we knew each other he was a gentleman, affectionate and romantic and paid for everything. What changed?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
In reply to: stefania9
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 5:14am

This post has left me furious. How on earth can you even consider anything with this guy, be it a loving relationship, a friendship or a business partnership!!!!

When I hear how he is behaving all I can think of is f****** p****. Sorry, Im not usually one for such awful language but he has certainly provoked it in me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: stefania9
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 10:10am

What changed??

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
In reply to: stefania9
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 12:02pm
Can you please tell me why you still want this man in your life?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 1:59pm
*sigh* Indeed he was sweet and affectionate for quite a while and we used to see more of each other. He put a lot of his change of mood down to increased work pressure and dissatisfaction with his life situation. But I am not sure whether he is really a con-man since even when I offered to help him and start a business that didn't cheer him up. He said our relationship bothered him but when I offered to break he didn't want that so in the end I never knew what he wanted. I wonder if he will return in better mood or will decide to return to his own country and stay there. One thing he said he wants is a family and I am too old to have kids so maybe that also bothered him. It still isn't a reason to be mean to someone though.
And even if he had loved me I'd still have been nervous about doing business with him in view of his track record. He blames the failure of his business on his ex-partner but then he's hardly likely to tell a potential investor the truth. He had some good ideas for starting something here but what makes me most nervous about him is his recent black mood and how it has made him unreliable. I sadly feel as if I've come to the end of the road with him and Mr Nice Guy will never return.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: stefania9
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 4:15pm

I hope you mean what you said about it being over because Mr. Nice Guy was very likely either Mr. Jerk in disguise and/or never really existed in the first place.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 10:48am
Well, before he went back to his own country he said he no longer wanted my help and that maybe he'd start his own business back there although it is an island and the economy is mostly based on tourism. He said at least he had some land there and would be independent and not have to rely on my financial help which he resents. Also he said he'd rather marry a woman of his own nationality and he doesn't like the women here. I don't know if he means/meant this at the time or if it is, as you say, another ploy for making me try to keep him here and push financial help at him. If he was so proud he wouldn't let me pay for him which I have always done lately when we have gone out together. He always says he'll pay me back but never does and says he has no money at all but I have only his word for that. Until very recently he wouldn't even tell me at which restaurant he was working and I only saw it for the first time as he stopped the car there to tell him he had booked his ticket back the next day. He says he has to be secretive from me because I am 'sly' and would try to control him. He really has a paranoia about this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: stefania9
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 10:59am
Let's get to the bottom line here... what are you going to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 12:20pm
I really don't know. The business part of this in fact has rather muddied the waters since my relationship with him and the business idea should be separate. In fact they cannot be separated because if you have a lousy rapport with someone...how can you do business or anything else with them??
We got on well for a long time and it is only really the past 2 weeks that things deteriorated badly. I have only mentioned the bad things but he can be witty, enormous fun and affectionate. He used to ring me and say he was cooking a meal (he is a trained cook) and did I want to come and eat with him? Spontaneous and nice things like that. Then I think he felt things were getting too serious and he got cold feet, big time.
This explains one part of his moodiness and later hostility and he also said 'I hate everyone at the moment but mostly myself' and I asked him why and he said that in his 4 years in this country he had messed up his marriage and his business had failed and he had nothing now. I said that he had me and I'd help him get back on his feet again but he said without love that meant nothing. I said that is romantic hoo-ha and I have given a chance at relationships to men with whom I've not been in love and that we have something special together (which he agreed) and could build on it.
He said he has gone away to rest as he is exhausted, both mentally and physically (he has one day off a week and does double shifts as a waiter) and to decide if he wants to continue here or to go back to his own country - where most people emigrate from and there are little prospects - so I see that as a pipe dream. I think he should pull himself together and grow up, stop living in a silly dream and be more mature and reliable. Life is about compromises and occasionally, even through compromises, dreams can come true. I know this since I had to give up my dream of winning in one sport through injuries but now am training for a competition next year in another sport so I can realise another dream another way.
He is younger and weaker than me and he still has to understand this. I hope he does so before it is too late and I hope he at least comes back in a better mood than before he left.
Of course (provided he wants to stay here about which I am not at all sure since his relatives will pressure him into staying there including his mother who is not well at all right now) I still love him and would like to give him another chance but he has to change. And to change he has to understand what is wrong with him and behave better towards me if he wants to continue seeing me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 1:02pm

You might want to do some reading on people who are masochists. You seem to be real glutton for punishment. I sure hope you realize someday how dysfunctional this relationship is that you can't seem to tear yourself away from.
Stephanie

http://www.psychnet-uk.com/clinical_psychology/criteria_personality_masochistic.htm