Can love grow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Can love grow?
36
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:04am
For just over 2 months I've been seeing someone regularly. We started having sex early on in the relationship and everything was fine at first. Then for the past few weeks he's been very moody and bad tempered. Last night we went out for the last time before he flies home for a fortnight's holiday which he needs as he has been working hard in a dead end job and is exhausted.
Quite early on in the relationship he told me he wasn't in love with me but liked me a lot. However, it now bothers him very much that I am in love with him and he cannot reciprocate. He has changed a lot recently, both because of his work and money problems and because our relationship bothers him. He now says he doesn't want a relationship with me but doesn't want to lose me either. I asked him to give it time and maybe love will grow. He says you either feel love immediately or you never do and that it is not the same between us as it was between him and his ex-wife with whom he was very much in love. I think we have enough between us not to throw it all away and that just over 2 months is not very long. Of course I love him and would do anything for him and this irritates him. I said if I cannot stop wanting more maybe he would want to call a halt to it but he says I am an 'unusual case' and he wants to keep seeing me but for him to do the initiating more (it is always me who calls) and probably if I kept my distance a bit it might do him good. These 2 weeks he is going to be away are probably a good start. Do you think absence can make his heart grow fonder and can love grow out of friendship and empathy and attraction. Btw..he says he feels bad about the sex part and asked if I'd ever had sex with a guy a few times and then decided to stop it as there was no love and just keep to being friends with him and that he'd like to do that. I am not sure how much he means that since he is still attracted to me and keeps holding my hand and putting his arm round me. Mixed messages?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
In reply to: stefania9
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 3:37pm
Stephania, you have probably 100 women (and some men I presume), completely objective and unbiased. Listen to us. Texasmom is right, how will you ever find someone WHO WANTS TO BE WITH YOU if you're pining away for this worm. Cut off all correspondence, give yourself a little time to sort it out and deal with it, then move on and be done with it. Sounds pretty simplistic, but........
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 3:44pm

Hon, I don't know what else there is to say about this guy. It's all been said. Your friend sounds immature, confused and insensitive. He told you he doesn't want you the way you want him. He gets irritable and says nasty things to you. I'll bet it's because he can't believe you want him so much, even when he treats you badly. Maybe he actually does have a conscience so he feels guilty. Maybe he's just annoyed with you because he doesn't respect you.

But you try to break completely away and he talks you out of it. Why? Because(SURPRISE!) you take care of all the expenses when you're together. You've been acting like his Sugar Mama, but this "baby" has been misbehaving.

Honey... almost ALL men are sweet, polite, generous, sexy, charming and full of promise in the BEGINNING. But hang around 5 or 6 months and you'll see the OTHER side of that same guy! And that's the guy you'd better get used to, because it's the one you'll see most of the time. "Mr.Generous/Mr. Wonderful" only comes out to show off in front of company.

I'm not going to spend more time talking about how insane it would be for you to put your money in this guy's business scheme. Nuff said.

Let him go back to Jamaica, or wherever he's from. He should just stay there, since it sounds like he's really looking forward to this break from you.

You CAN do better. You DESERVE better. But you need to believe that.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 5:24pm
Thanks everyone for their advice. It's not that I have posted here to ignore it either. It's just that I need to work it out for myself too. I put up with his behaviour because I felt sorry for him and knew he was unhappy. Since he left I have reached out to female friends here and even got to know a couple of guys, just chatting to them in a friendly way, but realised that I am not so alone as I thought I was and hey, might even be attractive to other guys. This would go a long way to curing my loneliness/low self-esteem which is what he reckons on. That is why he thinks I will always go back to him. I know he was looking forward to a break and getting away from me, despite me having done nothing wrong to him, in fact quite the opposite.
I think when one is in love with someone, one believes they are the last man in the world. But certainly I could not have continued with someone who treats me the way he has and I see no reason to believe he will ever change. He says he is not a bad person and when he finds a woman he can love he is a completely different person. I resent being used as a sugar mummy and am not doing that anymore and I cannot see why not being in love with a person gives you a right to treat them as dirt.
One of my women friends here says he has a huge opinion of himself with no reason but I think that act covers up his insecurities and he has to grow up and sort himself out or cannot make anyone happy. Even if he starts out well in a relationship he cannot change the person he is.
Of course I have to 'de-addict' myself from him. Also I think he will stay in his own country since he's made a mess of his life here and is looking for a young wife to have his kids and gaze at him adoringly. One reason he resents me is because (he says) I am clever and he is afraid of me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
In reply to: stefania9
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 7:16pm

Honey, it is so hurtful to love more than you are loved. It takes away your self-esteem. You have to understand that it is not you that is unlovable. You just aren't his type. There are men around that would find you irresistable. I'm sure you at some time in your life must have known one.

If he has been divorced, he MFE be marriage shy. He loved his wife and I'm sure it was she who divorced him. so he is still not over her.

He needs a companion and a sex partner whom he finds attractive and nice to be with.

YOu might want to think twice about waiting for him to come around and fall in love with you, he MFE never do it. Try to except how he feels, but maybe you should move on.

I don't know how old you are, but would you want to stay in a relationship where you are not loved? good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 2:17am
I agree with you. I have met men who weren't attractive to me etc. But then I didn't have an intense relationship with them for nearly 3 months. Until recently this guy couldn't keep his hands off me and he admitted, the last time that we spoke, that I turned him on etc. The problem is he has some silly romantic idea of First Love and that it can never be like that again etc and although he rubbished his wife when we first met, lately he speaks about her as if she had a halo around her head.
It isn't just his feelings about me; it is his whole life and the situation he is in now that he is questioning and he is really a screwed-up person so that doesn't help things. He says that if he met a woman he could love things would improve which they would for a while but would he really change fundamentally??
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: stefania9
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 4:08pm
Like you need any MORE responses - but I have to put in my two cents for whatever it's worth. If I have learned anything during the last 2 years it is that if a man is NOT SATISFIED WITH HIS LIFE, HE HAS NOTHING TO OFFER YOU. Not financially, not mentally, and not emotionally. This guy was a 'player' and a con artist. I had an ex who once left me and married a woman he knew only 3 months because she had 2 buildings, money, and drove a Mercedes. 6 months later he had an annulment and wanted to get back together w/me. You know what he got for his 'troubles'??? One of her buildings!!!! Did it REALLY surprise me? No. Why? Because about 4 months before we broke up (been together for a year), he came up with the 'idea' of all of us (My sisters included!) pooling our money into a 'vacation' account. I told him I did not like the idea of doing that because anything can happen and we could end up losing our money. It didn't feel right. When all is said and done, I may not be able to give the best 'love' advice but I will say this to every woman within reach: Love a man as much as you want, but when it comes to money... ALL BETS ARE OFF!!!! I can't stress this enough to women that men and YOUR money do NOT mix. If a man is really a man and worth his salt, you will NOT PAY FOR ANYTHING. I've had my share of jerks in my like who have raked my heart over hot coals and nails but one thing is for D#%#N sure, they will not lay a finger on my money. If he has a 'business' adventure and really believes in it, support him the way a woman can - with emotion and encouragement. Remember... YOUR money and a man do NOT mix. Period. We women go through enough emotional turmoil without having to worry about losing everything we worked hard for to a no good user. I think that I was probably one of the few women in my ex's life that he was never able to talk into paying for anything or giving him anything. Needless to say, I did NOT take him back. The sad thing about it - the woman he left me for rubbed it in my face. I warned her about him so I guess she is feeling like crap now! Good luck!

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