Can love grow?
Find a Conversation
Can love grow?
| Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:04am |
For just over 2 months I've been seeing someone regularly. We started having sex early on in the relationship and everything was fine at first. Then for the past few weeks he's been very moody and bad tempered. Last night we went out for the last time before he flies home for a fortnight's holiday which he needs as he has been working hard in a dead end job and is exhausted.
Quite early on in the relationship he told me he wasn't in love with me but liked me a lot. However, it now bothers him very much that I am in love with him and he cannot reciprocate. He has changed a lot recently, both because of his work and money problems and because our relationship bothers him. He now says he doesn't want a relationship with me but doesn't want to lose me either. I asked him to give it time and maybe love will grow. He says you either feel love immediately or you never do and that it is not the same between us as it was between him and his ex-wife with whom he was very much in love. I think we have enough between us not to throw it all away and that just over 2 months is not very long. Of course I love him and would do anything for him and this irritates him. I said if I cannot stop wanting more maybe he would want to call a halt to it but he says I am an 'unusual case' and he wants to keep seeing me but for him to do the initiating more (it is always me who calls) and probably if I kept my distance a bit it might do him good. These 2 weeks he is going to be away are probably a good start. Do you think absence can make his heart grow fonder and can love grow out of friendship and empathy and attraction. Btw..he says he feels bad about the sex part and asked if I'd ever had sex with a guy a few times and then decided to stop it as there was no love and just keep to being friends with him and that he'd like to do that. I am not sure how much he means that since he is still attracted to me and keeps holding my hand and putting his arm round me. Mixed messages?
Quite early on in the relationship he told me he wasn't in love with me but liked me a lot. However, it now bothers him very much that I am in love with him and he cannot reciprocate. He has changed a lot recently, both because of his work and money problems and because our relationship bothers him. He now says he doesn't want a relationship with me but doesn't want to lose me either. I asked him to give it time and maybe love will grow. He says you either feel love immediately or you never do and that it is not the same between us as it was between him and his ex-wife with whom he was very much in love. I think we have enough between us not to throw it all away and that just over 2 months is not very long. Of course I love him and would do anything for him and this irritates him. I said if I cannot stop wanting more maybe he would want to call a halt to it but he says I am an 'unusual case' and he wants to keep seeing me but for him to do the initiating more (it is always me who calls) and probably if I kept my distance a bit it might do him good. These 2 weeks he is going to be away are probably a good start. Do you think absence can make his heart grow fonder and can love grow out of friendship and empathy and attraction. Btw..he says he feels bad about the sex part and asked if I'd ever had sex with a guy a few times and then decided to stop it as there was no love and just keep to being friends with him and that he'd like to do that. I am not sure how much he means that since he is still attracted to me and keeps holding my hand and putting his arm round me. Mixed messages?

Pages
Hon, I don't know what else there is to say about this guy. It's all been said. Your friend sounds immature, confused and insensitive. He told you he doesn't want you the way you want him. He gets irritable and says nasty things to you. I'll bet it's because he can't believe you want him so much, even when he treats you badly. Maybe he actually does have a conscience so he feels guilty. Maybe he's just annoyed with you because he doesn't respect you.
But you try to break completely away and he talks you out of it. Why? Because(SURPRISE!) you take care of all the expenses when you're together. You've been acting like his Sugar Mama, but this "baby" has been misbehaving.
Honey... almost ALL men are sweet, polite, generous, sexy, charming and full of promise in the BEGINNING. But hang around 5 or 6 months and you'll see the OTHER side of that same guy! And that's the guy you'd better get used to, because it's the one you'll see most of the time. "Mr.Generous/Mr. Wonderful" only comes out to show off in front of company.
I'm not going to spend more time talking about how insane it would be for you to put your money in this guy's business scheme. Nuff said.
Let him go back to Jamaica, or wherever he's from. He should just stay there, since it sounds like he's really looking forward to this break from you.
You CAN do better. You DESERVE better. But you need to believe that.
Take care.
I think when one is in love with someone, one believes they are the last man in the world. But certainly I could not have continued with someone who treats me the way he has and I see no reason to believe he will ever change. He says he is not a bad person and when he finds a woman he can love he is a completely different person. I resent being used as a sugar mummy and am not doing that anymore and I cannot see why not being in love with a person gives you a right to treat them as dirt.
One of my women friends here says he has a huge opinion of himself with no reason but I think that act covers up his insecurities and he has to grow up and sort himself out or cannot make anyone happy. Even if he starts out well in a relationship he cannot change the person he is.
Of course I have to 'de-addict' myself from him. Also I think he will stay in his own country since he's made a mess of his life here and is looking for a young wife to have his kids and gaze at him adoringly. One reason he resents me is because (he says) I am clever and he is afraid of me.
Honey, it is so hurtful to love more than you are loved. It takes away your self-esteem. You have to understand that it is not you that is unlovable. You just aren't his type. There are men around that would find you irresistable. I'm sure you at some time in your life must have known one.
If he has been divorced, he MFE be marriage shy. He loved his wife and I'm sure it was she who divorced him. so he is still not over her.
He needs a companion and a sex partner whom he finds attractive and nice to be with.
YOu might want to think twice about waiting for him to come around and fall in love with you, he MFE never do it. Try to except how he feels, but maybe you should move on.
I don't know how old you are, but would you want to stay in a relationship where you are not loved? good luck
It isn't just his feelings about me; it is his whole life and the situation he is in now that he is questioning and he is really a screwed-up person so that doesn't help things. He says that if he met a woman he could love things would improve which they would for a while but would he really change fundamentally??
Pages