Can a rocky relationship end well?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Can a rocky relationship end well?
11
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 10:55pm

Note: this is a long story, and I appreciate it all the more if you take the time to read and comment on it!!!

My ex boyfriend and I have a rocky relationship. We'd broken up twice, the first time because he was not ready to date monogamously again (he had gotten out of a long term relationship) and the second time because I didn't feel like he was present in the relationship. He later said that since he had been hurt badly by his last girlfriend, he was scared everytime we started to get close. Most of the time I was with him, I had suspicions that he liked other girls, though he never cheated, which could be something just in my head.
About two months after that second breakup, however, we kind of semi got back together (we agreed to casually date, meaning we could see other people). I didn't want to commit to him because of our track history and because I wasn't sure I didn't simply want to move on. However, I was willing to do the casual dating thing for a specific reason: because this time, it felt different - it felt like he was in full color, where as he had been dulled before. He was suddenly there and available mentally. It was a major change, or else I wouldn't have dated him again, even casually. During that summer, i was in Spain and I "dated" someone else for a while, but found myself eager to get back to my ex boyfriend in the states. While he was in the US, he told me he had had a couple of flings, but they amounted to nothing. Also, his ex girlfriend (the one he went out with directly before me)kissed him, but nothing more happened from there and he made a point out of telling me it happened because he viewed it as proof that he was totally over her and ours was not a rebound relationship, which I now accept, but at the time was very skeptical over.
When I got back from Spain, we started dating again and it was great - I must say he went out of his way to respect my wish to have a certain schedule and to be more serious about my studies. But the one thing I couldn't get over was the feeling that he liked other girls, esp. his ex girlfriend - I thought he still had feelings for her. I broke up with him on the spot - irrationally, even from my point of view upon reflection - when he went to talk and dance with her at a party (it was socially acceptable in the situation). He had even made numerous efforts to introduce the two of us so I wouldn't feel as uncomfortable around her, which I rejected. I had made her in my mind to be some kind of paradigm for him. We eventually got back together a week later and treated the episode as a bad fight, although I think he was really hurt. Things started slowly to get better and normal again, because I finally believed what he said about his ex girlfriend (and I also finally hung out with the two of them).
Then, out of the blue, his very good friend (who is a woman and also happens to be one of his roomates) told me that she had a gigantic crush on him, (which I had suspected and mentioned to him, but he dismissed because she had sworn she had no feelings for him to him). She said she had had a revelation about how he had been manipulating her feelings. She felt as though she was the "other woman" because they had been doing lots of things together over the summer and had kissed over the summer (while we were not together). She categorically listed things they had done, and told me bits of conversation they had had in regards to me and to his and my relationship(which i later found out had been twisted,) and she was the one who told me they had kissed. I confronted him, with her in the room as well, to talk about what had happened. He made it clear that he thought of me in a romantic way and of her as a friend in front of the both of us. But it was very hard to move past because it planted all these seeds in my head, wondering if his actions really were innocent, or if she was just nuts. Part of me became enraged at her, for trying to trespass into our relationship, and alot of me wanted to blame him for letting her feel that she could. And I did blame him, even though I tried to understand that the only reason he had kissed her was because she had said she didn't have feelings for him repeatedly. We broke up again, although it hurt me tremendously to do it (because I wanted to believe him). At first I regretted my choice, but he thought we needed to break up and soon I agreed as well.
Now it is a a little less than two months after the fact. The woman (his friend) has admitted that she had something of a mental breakdown when she confronted me. I had avoided my ex boyfriend for most of the month and had started casually seeing someone else. It looked as if we were going to go our seperate ways, but I still felt a jolt every time i see him (I know a month isn't long for healing time, though). He was my best friend, and it was really shocking to cut my best friend and lover out of my life all at once. Two days ago, he called and said he wanted to hang out since we hadn't for such a long time. We hung out, and it was good... stilted because of all the trauma and the weirdness of trying to relate on a different level. He told me that he had broke it off with the girl he had been casually seeing "for various reasons". As the night progressed, we got closer and closer, and eventually ended up making love.
Now I am in a confusing situation. I think that I really may be in love, deeply, with this man. But there is so much history I don't know if it's even possible to try again, much less if that would be advisable. He feels the same way - he said that he wanted to marry me eventually, when we graduate next year. Part of me says that someone wouldn't go through the amount of heartache we've been through together and not mean it when they said something like that. I know our sleeping together again wasn't just a familiarity thing. Also, now I will be telling the other (great) man I had started seeing that it's over, because I realize how strong my feelings for my ex are and I don't think it's fair that I date someone else while I still harbour those feelings, even if the dating is casual.
My ex and I have talked it over, and agreed that what we need to do is establish a "calm" period for a while - where we interact as friends only. He actually wants me to see other people because he thinks I need more experience from which to judge what a good/bad relationship is, but he says that he doesn't feel the need to see other people during that time. What he doesn't seem to understand is that I'm the kind of person who only dates when I already care a good amount about the person - and that I put my all into whomever I date. I couldn't in good conscious date someone knowing that I really love someone else. Should I agree to this "calm period" thing? I know theoretically it is a good idea, in fact, I think I came up with it. Part of me tells me that being single for a while and having space to straighten our heads out is a great idea. The other, more cynical part says there are too many things to fix here, and it would just be a painful waste of time (painful because there is the possiblity that I would have to watch him grow away from me). What should I do?
Sorry about the novel I wrote, but I thought that the details were relevant. Thanks for reading and responding!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 11:04pm

Hello there.

Okay, well it's a fact that you two have tons of history together. But it doesn't have to be difficult. Something tells me that you already know what to do, you just want somebody else's input.
Well here are my 2cents. Since your situtation sounds incredibly familiar, first let me tell you why I relate. I think that the relationship (or non-relationship) with my currently ex-boyfriend, could end up something like yours. We've known each other since January. So maybe that way you'll see where I'm coming from.
I really believe that all women have intuition about how a relationship will end. I always knew he and I would get back together the first few times we broke up, I don't think it's necessary for you two to have a 'calm' period, you two have enough experience already to be able to deal with whatever comes your way, jealousy, distrust..... If he really loves you and you love him (obviously you do) then you should just go for it, if he really wants to be with you, he won't need a calm period, because all the time you have spent apart was your 'calm' period, and since you made love when you hung out with him, I think you're scared that's all he came for.

Look the best advice I can give you is to go for this relationship, you have nothing to loose! The worst thing that can happen is that you two break up again, then you can move on. This is probably the final, I guess you can say 'test'? If you'd like to you can go ahead and e-mail me at christina_3393@hotmail.com.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 3:18pm
Hey, thanks for the response. Things are still kind of up in the air. You are right, you can always kind of know whats up as far as relationships go. I know he loves me, and that I love him. What I don't know is if we will end up getting back together. He is very nervous of being hurt, as he has been in the past many times before. And now, I suppose, he feels that I have hurt him, just as I feel he has hurt me. He has also been in love with someone for three years before after breaking up with them - and been ok with that, eventually letting it pass.
I suppose that I should just say, what happens will happen. It won't be good to force anything anyway. I, however, don't view dating in the same way he does. He is perfectly ok with having a relationship and knowing that it is nothing more than fun. I, on the otherhand, will rarely date so casually. Usually if I date anyone, it means that I have been interested in them in some way for a while. I can't date one person while still harboring feelings, especially while still in love, with another. Apparently, he could.
I want so badly to just be able to start over. But i think that I still am overly protective of him, because of the past, and because other women have always tried to get him. I also get angry because I wonder if he is encouraging them or not. What it comes down to is whether or not I can deal with it, and I couldn't. I don't know if I could or not yet. So I suppose until I am sure that I can, this should be ended.
He says he is sure that he is not interested in anyone else, but is scared that my inability to trust him is going to only break us apart again, and he doesnt think he could deal with that kind of pain. I can understand that.
So what comes will come. Hopefully, I'll get over my issues. Hopefully, he'll change some of his actions. Hopefully, we'll make each other believe again. But having serious conversations isn't helping. I think we just need to have fun again with each other, and rebuild the love.
Thanks, and keep me updated on your situation. I'll try to email. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 11:57pm

It's horrible to be stuck in this type of situation..... Sometimes I'm not even sure if we could ever be happy again, I know that things will never be the same they used to be, I'm a firm believer that things can either get better with time, or worse. I'm in the same boat you're in, in the sense that it's become very difficult to trust in him again, because infact so many girls want to be with him. The only difference here is that I might be pregnant, and if so, I will definitely have to think over if I'd want to let him know right away, or later. Things have been difficult because of the stress I'm put under with what will happen with our weird relationship, and if being pregnant will make it worse. One thing for sure is that I love him, he's the first person I've ever let know so much of me, spiritually and physically. I wouldn't want to make him feel trapped you know?

I'd like you to keep me posted as well, Make Wise Decisions, and THink THem THrough!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 2:11am
Yes, a possible pregnancy does lend the situation a new slant. How founded is this belief? That is difficult... if you tell him too early and it is a false alarm, then he will think you are trying to trap him, and resent that you got him excited for no reason. If you don't tell him at all, even if it is a false alarm, you are denying yourself the support that a person you are in love with may lend in a situation such as that. Have you two ever discussed your feelings on abortion or reproductive rights? I try to do this with my boyfriends early in the relationship, in case anything such as this situation were to arise - this way I at least have a barometer of how I think they will react, and also whether I could deal with that reaction.
If you are indeed pregnant, it only seems fair to tell him. Telling him does not itself necessitate any further action, but it allows him to be informed to what is occurring. Of course, I don't really know your situation, and there a bunch of reasons I can think of why it would be best not to tell (i.e., he might hurt you or the child, etc. -) A reason that doesn't qualify, however, is because you think you might loose him. If that is the case, you were going to lose him anyway - or perhaps already have. What is a relationship if you can't share your fears and challenges with the other person.
I've thought about this a bit because I wondered whether I was pregnant once before. It's pretty scary. For me, the best thing to do was to get tested as soon as possible, and then make decisions accordingly and stick by them. This means even if you aren't pregnant, making decisions that allow you not to find yourself in the same situation and sticking to them. Good luck!
As for my situation - He wants me to just know he loves me, that he is in love with me, and move through life with that knowledge for now, and vice versa, without doing anything really about it. Just knowing it. On one hand, I feel like ideally I should be able to do this. On another, this is the perfect way for him to get away with murder. I am not in a marriage with him, and I think this is too much to be asking in terms of trust. My point, however, is what is being "in love" with someone and knowing that they reciprocate without doing anything about it? Stupidity, or it's not really love. In my eyes, for real love - well, there are few things I wouldn't try. Heh, but I defeat my own point in saying that - because with that statement I refused to try to understand his thought again.
But i think that there is a point where there is a crossing of a line that is not describle but present. He may have crossed it tonight. We'll see if he has or not tomorrow. I have to have some way of judging whether or not he is true, with out dissolving into relativism.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 7:04pm

I won't tell him until I find out for sure, I don't want to worry him on top of me being worried, too much added stress for either of us. We've discussed this matter before, and he always told me that he'd be there for me and the baby, and that he'd want to know right away. But I think inside myself I know what's best... and I think it's best not to even mention that I missed my period or that it hasn't shown up this month either. He needs to know when I know for sure that it's a positive. He always said he could never sleep with someone he wouldn't want to deal with the rest of his life, he also told me that he wasn't sleeping with me, but instead making love to me. So all of that makes me comfortable going to him when I'm ready to, or when I need to. At the moment we aren't together, I told him that I didn't want to be his friend with privileges, or nonsense like that. So I'll only talk to him on the phone, in person he's too much of a temptation. He doesn't push himself on me, but he does kiss me and we cuddle, too much temptation. Life seems so difficult? I'm so confused, I think maybe we have to grow up and mature seperately, then we might meet up again later. I love him though, and so if I am pregnant you're right, I'll tell him as soon as it's a sure thing. He's not capable of hurting me physically. He's always watched out for me, sometimes even felt overprotected. I'm still young, so I still have plenty of soul searching to do and a long life ahead of me. I just need to be patient and let destiny run its course. You see, I'm a dreamer and fantasizer, and anything else weird you could imagine, so I believe in fate more than anything...

Enough about me, Whatever happens with your man, it will all, in the end, be for the best. So you and I just have to believe in the good and that we deserve the best, if our men can't live up to that, we can find better, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 6:29pm
I'm absolutely sure there are other fish in the sea. That's not the issue... it was more like I wasn't ready to give up this fish. But I was talking to him the night before last, and suddenly it was as if a light turned on... maybe it was being distanced from him, maybe I've become smarter... I don't know what it was exactly... But I realized that everything coming out of his mouth was incredibly selfish. He had no logical reasoning; the only strand of reasoning that was a constant was that which would improve his chances of getting what he wanted, and all of what he wanted. I was not being treated as a person, more as an object, or as a stupid person whom he could persuade to do things they would not normally do (because they were hurtful to my self esteem). This fish that looked like such a good catch suddenly revealed that it was poisonous, but a slow kind of poison that you don't know is working until you are so far gone there is nothing you can do.
I didn't tell him this. I tried to mask my reactions to his utter selfishness. I simlpy smiled, said goodnight, and left. I won't be taking his phone calls any longer. He isn't even worth making a big scene over.
So I learned this moral of the story: Becareful not to get drawn into someone else's world. Remain your own person and try to think objectively.
That said, honey, you HAVE to get a pregnancy test done soon! The second month has gone by without your period. As time goes by, your options decrease. And not confronting the issue if you are pregnant won't make the issue go away. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. But if you are pregnant, it is something you will have to face and make decisions about. You will also have to inform the father, it is only fair. Hopefully, the two of you will be able to decide what is best together. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 4:04pm
Well, hopefully, using your experience as an example, I can stop the pattern before it starts? I just need to understand that he IS being selfish and that I shouldn't take his phonecalls anymore, and move on..... I finally did take a test, and it came out negative, so on Monday I have an appointment with the gyno to see why I've missed my period and why it hasn't come... Said it most likely would be stress. Well, I have to go, but still keep me posted! And I hope you can be strong, because for me, it's proving to be real difficult.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 3:42pm
It is difficult to keep a resolve, especially since my moods change, and with my mood changes I start viewing the situation in a different light. As I get farther away from him, and more healthy emotionally, I notice that I want to be more generous towards people in general - more understanding of what they are going through and less skeptical, which is a mode I had gotten into when I was with him. So this generous mood fixes itself on him as well - all of the positive aspects of him come back to me, all of the loving and good qualities he had. So I end up moving closer to him. But what I realize is that by getting closer to him, I have to put back up all of these defenses that had begun to fall back down because of his behaviour, which hasn't really changed, as much as he tells me it has. It makes me nervous and edgy and skeptical again. I hate it - I hate being that way, and he hates it too. I think he even realizes that his actions cause me to feel this way, but he is unwilling to change the actions that make me feel this way. What he does do is change small things, just enough to make me believe that he has changed, until I run into something very tangible proving otherwise. It makes me a little crazy - I try so hard to believe him and "just trust him" - this is what he always said I should do, still says, in fact - but little things would keep mounting against that trust.
This is not a productive way of being, I realized. I also realize that I must be insecure in someway to stick around even though I was so miserable. So I got out, even though I still loved him, and still wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But now, I am realizing that maybe he is just not in a place where he can really care about another person. He's not a bad person, just selfish, and selfish out of necessity. He has to fix his own insecurities and address his own needs. Once he gets past that, then maybe something more can happen. But for now, he is too wrapped up in his own issues to be a good boyfriend to me. Conversly, I have issues I need to address too. So the whole thing can function to hopefully make me a better person.
Im glad it was a false alarm for you. I know you are strong enough to know what is good for yourself and stick by it. Remember that people are discreet entities for a reason -they are totally able to manage themselves. Don't forget that about yourself - haha, I have to tell myself that sometimes! Other people are nice to interact with and fun to be around - but they don't complete or define you. So get going exploring yourself! Take up a new interest - artwork, for me. Make new friends, explore other ways of thinking and other cultures and lifestyles (I'm making friends among the artists in my community - its a very different lifestyle and way of thinking - really interesting).
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 8:09pm
Isn't weird, though, that our moods pave the way for what decisions we'll make and how we'll react? Because in our minds, we know exactly what's good for us and what's not, but it all goes back to that mood... Something inside me, ALWAYS knows what the outcome will be, and I always push it away if it's not what I want to here, or to be. It's hard to let go especially, of something/someone that we've shared so much with, and cared so much for. I think it affects us more because we tend to react emotionally, rather than rationally, right? I do try to occupy myself with other things, photography, or music (I play the violin), but with everything that I've surrounded myself with, it's hard to focus on anything else... it's like I've fallen into a hole, and the more I struggle to get out, the harder it is to get out. I love him so much. That's how I know that I DO need to let him go, because he is rather selfish as well, and he only comes to me when he has time. He goes to school all week, he stays there and he works afterwards, and he never calls to say that he's okay, or that he's busy and he can't talk... I'm so dumb, I still take his calls when he does call (on weekends), and I always let myself get sucked back in. I don't know how to let go, and if I don't let go now, it'll all become a pattern that we'll be stuck in for who knows how long.... How do I let go? What do I do to stop feeling sad and dead inside? I haven't felt emotion in so long now but I still know that something's wrong, and I want to cry to let it all out. The longer I last this way, I won't be able to put my heart into anything, and I can't live like that, please help....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 8:49pm
Have faith in yourself. You know what is good for you. Don't let his interests, or visions that "he will change" that your insecurities cause you to have weaken your resolve. It seems so hard, but look at it this way - there is nothing physically hard about it. Its mental resolve. And proving to yourself that you can have that kind of mental resolve - that you know what is good for you, and are able to then act on it, is very empowering. You can do it.

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