Can a rocky relationship end well?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Can a rocky relationship end well?
11
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 10:55pm

Note: this is a long story, and I appreciate it all the more if you take the time to read and comment on it!!!

My ex boyfriend and I have a rocky relationship. We'd broken up twice, the first time because he was not ready to date monogamously again (he had gotten out of a long term relationship) and the second time because I didn't feel like he was present in the relationship. He later said that since he had been hurt badly by his last girlfriend, he was scared everytime we started to get close. Most of the time I was with him, I had suspicions that he liked other girls, though he never cheated, which could be something just in my head.
About two months after that second breakup, however, we kind of semi got back together (we agreed to casually date, meaning we could see other people). I didn't want to commit to him because of our track history and because I wasn't sure I didn't simply want to move on. However, I was willing to do the casual dating thing for a specific reason: because this time, it felt different - it felt like he was in full color, where as he had been dulled before. He was suddenly there and available mentally. It was a major change, or else I wouldn't have dated him again, even casually. During that summer, i was in Spain and I "dated" someone else for a while, but found myself eager to get back to my ex boyfriend in the states. While he was in the US, he told me he had had a couple of flings, but they amounted to nothing. Also, his ex girlfriend (the one he went out with directly before me)kissed him, but nothing more happened from there and he made a point out of telling me it happened because he viewed it as proof that he was totally over her and ours was not a rebound relationship, which I now accept, but at the time was very skeptical over.
When I got back from Spain, we started dating again and it was great - I must say he went out of his way to respect my wish to have a certain schedule and to be more serious about my studies. But the one thing I couldn't get over was the feeling that he liked other girls, esp. his ex girlfriend - I thought he still had feelings for her. I broke up with him on the spot - irrationally, even from my point of view upon reflection - when he went to talk and dance with her at a party (it was socially acceptable in the situation). He had even made numerous efforts to introduce the two of us so I wouldn't feel as uncomfortable around her, which I rejected. I had made her in my mind to be some kind of paradigm for him. We eventually got back together a week later and treated the episode as a bad fight, although I think he was really hurt. Things started slowly to get better and normal again, because I finally believed what he said about his ex girlfriend (and I also finally hung out with the two of them).
Then, out of the blue, his very good friend (who is a woman and also happens to be one of his roomates) told me that she had a gigantic crush on him, (which I had suspected and mentioned to him, but he dismissed because she had sworn she had no feelings for him to him). She said she had had a revelation about how he had been manipulating her feelings. She felt as though she was the "other woman" because they had been doing lots of things together over the summer and had kissed over the summer (while we were not together). She categorically listed things they had done, and told me bits of conversation they had had in regards to me and to his and my relationship(which i later found out had been twisted,) and she was the one who told me they had kissed. I confronted him, with her in the room as well, to talk about what had happened. He made it clear that he thought of me in a romantic way and of her as a friend in front of the both of us. But it was very hard to move past because it planted all these seeds in my head, wondering if his actions really were innocent, or if she was just nuts. Part of me became enraged at her, for trying to trespass into our relationship, and alot of me wanted to blame him for letting her feel that she could. And I did blame him, even though I tried to understand that the only reason he had kissed her was because she had said she didn't have feelings for him repeatedly. We broke up again, although it hurt me tremendously to do it (because I wanted to believe him). At first I regretted my choice, but he thought we needed to break up and soon I agreed as well.
Now it is a a little less than two months after the fact. The woman (his friend) has admitted that she had something of a mental breakdown when she confronted me. I had avoided my ex boyfriend for most of the month and had started casually seeing someone else. It looked as if we were going to go our seperate ways, but I still felt a jolt every time i see him (I know a month isn't long for healing time, though). He was my best friend, and it was really shocking to cut my best friend and lover out of my life all at once. Two days ago, he called and said he wanted to hang out since we hadn't for such a long time. We hung out, and it was good... stilted because of all the trauma and the weirdness of trying to relate on a different level. He told me that he had broke it off with the girl he had been casually seeing "for various reasons". As the night progressed, we got closer and closer, and eventually ended up making love.
Now I am in a confusing situation. I think that I really may be in love, deeply, with this man. But there is so much history I don't know if it's even possible to try again, much less if that would be advisable. He feels the same way - he said that he wanted to marry me eventually, when we graduate next year. Part of me says that someone wouldn't go through the amount of heartache we've been through together and not mean it when they said something like that. I know our sleeping together again wasn't just a familiarity thing. Also, now I will be telling the other (great) man I had started seeing that it's over, because I realize how strong my feelings for my ex are and I don't think it's fair that I date someone else while I still harbour those feelings, even if the dating is casual.
My ex and I have talked it over, and agreed that what we need to do is establish a "calm" period for a while - where we interact as friends only. He actually wants me to see other people because he thinks I need more experience from which to judge what a good/bad relationship is, but he says that he doesn't feel the need to see other people during that time. What he doesn't seem to understand is that I'm the kind of person who only dates when I already care a good amount about the person - and that I put my all into whomever I date. I couldn't in good conscious date someone knowing that I really love someone else. Should I agree to this "calm period" thing? I know theoretically it is a good idea, in fact, I think I came up with it. Part of me tells me that being single for a while and having space to straighten our heads out is a great idea. The other, more cynical part says there are too many things to fix here, and it would just be a painful waste of time (painful because there is the possiblity that I would have to watch him grow away from me). What should I do?
Sorry about the novel I wrote, but I thought that the details were relevant. Thanks for reading and responding!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 11:42am
For me it's always been easy to know that it's mental... but since my mental state of mind is always in the clouds, it's difficult to connect it to my physical. If I could have you by my side to remind me, it would be so much easier,:) because sure, I remember it now, but ask me again when he calls and you won't get an answer out of me.

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