Can someone define the word "friendship"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Can someone define the word "friendship"
2
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 3:11pm
Dr Ruth;

I have a small problem. I was dating a female who runs a business here in our town. After being intimate with her for 2 months, she decided to disclose the fact that she had an overseas boyfriend. She carried on about how horrible he was, he had no communicattive skills and didnt care about his woman here in the states. I was shocked however agreed to continue the relationship with this female. She told me she had decisions to make and wanted to "roll" with things between us to see where it took us. Several weeks later, she asked for space and became weird. I inquired as to her feelings and emotional state but she was clammed up. Finally, I went over to her home and sat with her for several hours. We went over all the feelings, attachment and emotional flare ups she and I were having. She told me she was struggling with intimacy due to not having any closure with her boyfriend or in not knowing how she would feel about him when he came home in October. I am not a fan of being "friends with benefits" so I told her that was not an option and if she was getting to attached to me with intimacy; That we should be friends and continue our friendship until she could striaghten her life out. I left the door open for something in the future should she decide to seperate from him however, I never wait or put my life on hold for such.

My problem is that her version of friendhsip must be way different than that of mine or the one we are raised in knowing from childhood. I call and call her but receive no response. It is to the point where when I call her, if she is not home, leaving messages becomes futile. When we were intimate, she was so warm and caring and loving. Now, as friends, its like she cannot handle any form of relationship with me. She admitted to her guilt and that she was falling for me because she was happy and comfortable with me. She also feared me because in her eyes, I was "normal" and represented security, love and companionship and that scared her. She told me she wants to open up and be with me but without closure and knowing for sure about him, it is causing her pain, guilt and harm. I can understand this but agreeing to be friends just doesn't seem to fit into my definition. I thought friends could openly converse, relay problems for advice and hang out. She wont go to private places with me because we get intimate when alone. We are left with public places but now, we dont even do that. There is no communication or meeting at all. Why is she going through this and what causes it? I know I have done everything right and showed her things most women would die for. What the hell does being afraid of "normalcy" mean? Why would she cower to her emotions if she feels good and loved with me? I know I cannot push someone into having a relationship with me when they are already committed but would that committment cause this mess? Why does she run away from her "feeling good and happy" emotions around me? Why wont she even talk to me now? Have I done something wrong?

This is blowing my mind and is causing major confusion on my end. Does guilt, remorse or pain cause people to do this? I have never cheated so I dont know. Is she emotionally immature and unable to handle a friendhsip with me because of our feelings and attraction towards each other when together? Can you shed some light on this dark and mystifying situation. I saw a lot of good in her and would hope that things could have progressed into a more meanignful relationship however, with this roller coaster ride of emotions she is on, I cannot be sure of what she is experiencing. I cannot even talk to her to discover what is ailing her. What can I do to make our friendship real and formed to that of mature adults? Thank you and God Bless...........

Tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
You're asking two different things here: let's deal with the first and what I consider to be your REAL problem:

You want to know why your ex-lover is now avoiding you and not returning your phone calls, after she said she would be your "friend."

When people break up, or stop being intimate, it is usually because their feelings for the other person have changed, or the relationship was strained or unfulfilling in some way. So they want out of the relationship. It is usually very difficult to be friends with this person because she: (a) she feels guilty, so she avoids you; (b) decided that you are problemmatic to her, in some way. Perhaps too needy... (c) is involved with someone else and is therefore too busy to spend time with you (d) does not want to encourage your interest in her, so she avoids you, or (e) simply has lost interest in continuing any kind of relationship with you, for the present.

People often say: "let's just be friends" when they don't mean it. Take you, for instance. If you are honest with yourself, you will admit that you want MORE from this woman than to be her pal. You weren't OK being just her FWB. And she knows you have feelings for her that go deeper than "just friends." That's why she's staying away from you. Just look at this statement you wrote today:

"I know I have done everything right and showed her things most women would die for. What the hell does being afraid of "normalcy" mean? Why would she cower to her emotions if she feels good and loved with me?"

This woman is having some kind of emotional crisis involving a long distance relationship with another man. I think you have always played second fiddle to him. She might recognize that you are a safer bet, but you are still not what she wants. You can't change that and you can't talk her into loving you, hon.

There may come a time, some months or years from now, when you will genuinely want to be only her friend, and she will want the same. Right now, you are just bumping your head against a wall.

As for "friendship" in the larger sense: friendship is reciprocal. It can't be you hounding, pleading and bargaining with another person to be in your life. Friends come together FREELY out of a mutual desire and need to share. Sure, friends get tired and annoyed, and sometimes they need time apart. And sometimes friendships even die. But a true friend makes an effort to be in your life and stay in your life and contribute something TO your life... she doesn't just take, take, take.

I believe you will be more at peace if you let this woman go, for now. Stop calling and writing her. If she finds her way back to you in the future, perhaps you two can start from there.

Just always be honest with yourself about the kind of relationship you are getting into. I hope this has been of some help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 11:13am

Hello Tom, welcome to the board!


I hate to tell you this but you missed Dr. Ruth... she's on another board... but, there are a lot of great people on this one and we'll tr5y to answer your questions and provide you with some positive thoughts.


As for the definition of "friendship" first look at what a friend is:


  1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
  2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

Now, there is nothing there about intimacy at all. That is a deeper level of friendship more in tune with a relationship than just an aquaintance.


You feel as though you made a mistake by being intimate with her only to find out that she had an overseas boyfriend... and, one who she does not speak highly of yet considers him to be her "boyfriend" - that should tell you something, it speaks volumes about her value of you. She decided to disclose the fact to you but tried to minimize it as well by telling you how bad he is. The question here then is... if he is so bad, why is he her "boyfriend"? At this point it doesn't really matter... what she has told you is that he is her boyfriend and you are not. Now, is she confused? Maybe... but, she is the only one who knows what she feels, thinks and wants. You cannot fix her, you cannot fix this because you simply do not have enough to work with. She isn't telling you everything. All you can do is react to what you know.


But, right here you told the story... "My problem is that her version of friendhsip must be way different than that of mine or the one we are raised in knowing from childhood. I call and call her but receive no response. It is to the point where when I call her, if she is not home, leaving messages becomes futile. When we were intimate, she was so warm and caring and loving. Now, as friends, its like she cannot handle any form of relationship with me." - what her version of friendship is ... she may not even know what a friend is much less how to be one. But, what is important is what YOUR definition of friendship is... if she isn't responding to you as you feel that a friend would, well, there ya have it - she is not your friend, just someone you happen to know.


She wants the intimacy without the friendship. No can do. She doesn't want a relationship with you (not answering your calls, not returning your calls... (that should be an eye opener for you). You were simply convenient until boyfriend comes home. You filled a void.


There are many many women out there Tom... some who would love to be with a person who seems to be in control of his thoughts and emotions. But, as long as you are blinded by this one you may never see the others who are out there.


It's like being so deep in the forest you can't even see the clearing!


I wish you well and I hope that some of this helps...


tg