Can Someone Please Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Can Someone Please Help
9
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:12am

I've been posting about the same guy for about ten months now. I did everything wrong it seems, from getting involved too soon to staying too long. Everytime we break-up, I have second thoughts and get him back. However, I really don't feel I can trust my feelings with him and that's what I was looking for in a relationship.

If I don't keep on him, he practically drools over other women, denying it all the while. I saw him tell a bald faced lie to someone with the same tone and manner he denies things to me. He's got some good qualities but overall I think he's just a con man. It seems that I grew-up with cons and have a hard time escaping their games. I just need more strength than I currently have.

It's not really that I'm afraid of being alone, I just have such a hard time denying people what they want from me. So I get involved with the same kind of people I've always known because I know what to expect. I'm in a rut. Then sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough, even if it's just rejection from someone I don't particularly like or want. Sometimes I feel "judged" by healthy people and I want to scream that I am healthy, just recovering. Dating is extremely hard for me because I have a hard time with being in limbo but I'm not wanting to jump into anything serious right away. Guys nearly always make me feel pressured.

I wish I wasn't a screwed-up mess when it comes to relationships but that's the legacy my parents handed down. I'm just having such a hard time re-inventing the wheel, so to speak. The only thing I can really remember about my parents was that they fought all the time. So I bend over backwards to try to be accomodating and end-up feeling cheated. With every relationship, there're always good things to look back on but consistently I've found that the longer I stay in one and/or let myself become emotionally involved with someone, the less they give over time. After awhile I'm the only one doing any giving, or showing any respect. I've dubbed it the 'law of diminishing returns'. It's frustrating too because people have nearly always told me I'm very intelligent. However, I can tell you I'm seriously DUMB when it comes to relationships. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 3:22pm
It's good that you recognize the things wrong with this guy and that this is a pattern for you. Break up with him again and try therapy to help you realize why you get into these self destructive love affairs.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 7:58pm
You've got to realize that you deserve better than these shmoes, you've been dating. Are you afraid you'll never find a good guy? Do nice guys turn you off? There is a pattern here, as Sherry says and you need to get to the bottom of it. Decide what qualities you want in a guy and if a potential date doesn't measure up, then he's not the guy for you. Now I'm not talking about wanting a hollywood actor or a guy who's rolling in dough, but normal everyday qualities.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 12:04am
Thanks to both of you. It was what I needed to hear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 12:03am
I didn't know if yours were rhetorical questions, still don't, but decided to answer them anyway. I'm certain there are good guys out there. Nice guys don't turn me off. I've done very little dating in the past. I was either single for long periods of time, years, or as soon as I put myself "on the market" I almost immediately became exclusive with someone. So I've really had very little actual dating experience. With every boyfriend, with the exception of one, they practically begged me to be with them. I think I pity people too much. However, a love affair based on pity really goes nowhere. They were the kind that as soon as they got what they wanted, they immediately wanted something else. So they'd put me down continually but didn't want to get rid of me. I did go to a therapist for about three years who told me I try to re-do the past, with my parents, in the present. I suppose I have to some extent. It hurts me to have someone appeal to me for help, want to help them and then realize that like a drowning person, all they're going to do is pull me down with them. It's just sad, that's all. My therapist lectured me that I should think about myself more. I realize now that it would be better to give what I have to those who could actually benefit from it. So maybe I am actually starting to break the pattern. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 12:47am
It seems to me that you have the need to help people. My sister (a clinical psychologist) dates a lot of needy guys. She is saving the world - one needy guy at a time. But anyway, if this sounds like you, you need to decide for yourself that these guys WILL pull you down. It's easier for someone to pull you down then for you to pull them up. This guy seems like he has NO self esteem. Anyone with self esteem would not feel the need to pull others down with them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 11:21am
You say you tend to keep repeating the pattern of dating the same types...maybe you need to stop dating for awhile and focus on other things; take a class, go back to school, work on your home. That will give you time and perspective to figure out what it is about these guys that is wrong for you, and, more importantly, what you're looking for, what you can live with vs. what you can't. Of course it gets lonely sometimes but it's worth it in the end to learn that much about yourself, what you want, and what you deserve.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 3:56pm

I seem to have gained some insights lately. I realized that people with a poor self-image use everything and everyone in their lives to confirm their beliefs about themselves. If someone accepts and loves them, they begin treating them like they believe they themselves deserve to be treated. In a sense, the other becomes an extension of themselves. If someone can't accept them, they use it to confirm that they're really no good afterall and/or that people really are untrustworthy, etc. Everything that's done for them is like throwing it into a black hole. There's only a small window of opportunity where they haven't projected themselves onto someone else and they haven't felt betrayed, yet, when they can actually start relationships.

I've worked through a lot of these issues myself. Only I internalized my pain and thought I deserved to be treated badly. It's taken me years, but I've squarely put the blame on the shoulders of my perpetrators. I no longer feel angry at or bad about myself. However, I still have residual issues that I need to work through. Part of my healing is learning how to have good relationships. I know what I like in others, it's just that sometimes I still get caught in the pity trap. However, I've realized lately that it doesn't do them or me any good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sat, 08-27-2005 - 7:48am

I have also spent years with men in need of "help" that I see has stemmed from difficulties in my own family. I also would get involved with a person, become attached and then the relationship would last years. And for the majority of the time it would be me doing all the giving and me putting up with unacceptable behavior.

With help from therapy, self-improvement, and just getting older, I'm at a better place today. I spot unhealthy situations much faster and don't feel any draw to them. But like you, I'm not accustomed to dating and also don't like the feeling of limbo.

Today I'm wiser for the wear, but I find there are so many new issues. I struggle to not fall into feeling bad about myself because I'm not in a relationship. I don't have the need to "help" anyone, but maybe feel more needy myself. That's something I have to watch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Sat, 08-27-2005 - 12:57pm
I'm glad nice guys don't turn you off. And no, I didn't mean for my question to be rhetorically speaking. There are a lot of girls who get turned off by guys who are too nice. Your post number 8 is so true and well written. This explains to me why people with low self esteem attract dates and spouses with low self esteem. Graucho Marx once sent a letter of resignation to the Stork Club in NYC that read "I would never join a club that would have me as a member". Of course this was just a joke, but there are a lot of people out there who would never want to date someone who actually wants to date them. Instead they chase people who continually reject them or they date someone who treats them bad (which is just another form of rejection).

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting