Can Someone Please Help
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:12am |
I've been posting about the same guy for about ten months now. I did everything wrong it seems, from getting involved too soon to staying too long. Everytime we break-up, I have second thoughts and get him back. However, I really don't feel I can trust my feelings with him and that's what I was looking for in a relationship.
If I don't keep on him, he practically drools over other women, denying it all the while. I saw him tell a bald faced lie to someone with the same tone and manner he denies things to me. He's got some good qualities but overall I think he's just a con man. It seems that I grew-up with cons and have a hard time escaping their games. I just need more strength than I currently have.
It's not really that I'm afraid of being alone, I just have such a hard time denying people what they want from me. So I get involved with the same kind of people I've always known because I know what to expect. I'm in a rut. Then sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough, even if it's just rejection from someone I don't particularly like or want. Sometimes I feel "judged" by healthy people and I want to scream that I am healthy, just recovering. Dating is extremely hard for me because I have a hard time with being in limbo but I'm not wanting to jump into anything serious right away. Guys nearly always make me feel pressured.
I wish I wasn't a screwed-up mess when it comes to relationships but that's the legacy my parents handed down. I'm just having such a hard time re-inventing the wheel, so to speak. The only thing I can really remember about my parents was that they fought all the time. So I bend over backwards to try to be accomodating and end-up feeling cheated. With every relationship, there're always good things to look back on but consistently I've found that the longer I stay in one and/or let myself become emotionally involved with someone, the less they give over time. After awhile I'm the only one doing any giving, or showing any respect. I've dubbed it the 'law of diminishing returns'. It's frustrating too because people have nearly always told me I'm very intelligent. However, I can tell you I'm seriously DUMB when it comes to relationships. Thanks for listening.

I seem to have gained some insights lately. I realized that people with a poor self-image use everything and everyone in their lives to confirm their beliefs about themselves. If someone accepts and loves them, they begin treating them like they believe they themselves deserve to be treated. In a sense, the other becomes an extension of themselves. If someone can't accept them, they use it to confirm that they're really no good afterall and/or that people really are untrustworthy, etc. Everything that's done for them is like throwing it into a black hole. There's only a small window of opportunity where they haven't projected themselves onto someone else and they haven't felt betrayed, yet, when they can actually start relationships.
I've worked through a lot of these issues myself. Only I internalized my pain and thought I deserved to be treated badly. It's taken me years, but I've squarely put the blame on the shoulders of my perpetrators. I no longer feel angry at or bad about myself. However, I still have residual issues that I need to work through. Part of my healing is learning how to have good relationships. I know what I like in others, it's just that sometimes I still get caught in the pity trap. However, I've realized lately that it doesn't do them or me any good.
I have also spent years with men in need of "help" that I see has stemmed from difficulties in my own family. I also would get involved with a person, become attached and then the relationship would last years. And for the majority of the time it would be me doing all the giving and me putting up with unacceptable behavior.
With help from therapy, self-improvement, and just getting older, I'm at a better place today. I spot unhealthy situations much faster and don't feel any draw to them. But like you, I'm not accustomed to dating and also don't like the feeling of limbo.
Today I'm wiser for the wear, but I find there are so many new issues. I struggle to not fall into feeling bad about myself because I'm not in a relationship. I don't have the need to "help" anyone, but maybe feel more needy myself. That's something I have to watch.