cannot get over this guy
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| Wed, 02-14-2007 - 9:16pm |
I met a guy about a year and a half ago, dated him for 4 months, then he left for the military. We stayed in touch for the 3 months he was at boot camp, wrote letters, talked, the whole bit. He came home for break and treated me like crap. He basically didnt see me, chose to see his friends over me even tho he had really built things up to make it seem like we'd be spending a ton of time together. He left for Europe and did not even say goodbye to me. A week later he calls me practically crying saying how sorry he was,misses me, loves me, was messed in the head when he did that to me, on and on. We kept in touch..but as time went on and we didnt see each other, i started to see other people...but i still talked to him on the phone and over email. There is just something about him. He told me he wanted to see me over xmas...but i told him i didnt think it was good idea. he came back with, oh then i dont even want to come home, only reason i want to come home is because of you, etc, etc...i saw him and he treated me the SAME way again...then left without saying good bye.
In the meantime i developed a relationship with someone else...i havent had sex with this new person, but he is everything i've been looking for in a man...problem is...the other guy who treated me badly seems to have this hold over me. It's quite frustrating. I look at the bad guy's myspace account and see girls and feel jealous...today he sent me a text saying happy vtines. I told him, yeah i'm sure you've said that to 10 other girls already today. That started some bickering, then he calls me and starts telling me how much he loves me, loves me so much, wishes he could be with me but he's going to iraq soon, when he gets out we'll be together, wants to marry me
WHY cant i get over this guy? I jsut cant keep myself from talking ot him and i have this soft spot for him. It's like i want to be there for him...but i know deep down that we would not have a good life together. The new guy i'm talking to treats me like gold...he is even beter looking than the 'bad' guy...I'm wondering if it's because i've had sex with the bad guy and not the new guy? perhaps i'm more attached to bad guy because of that?
I am so confused...i know it's not fair for me to talk to bad guy (even tho he's 5k away) when i'm trying to start something with new guy. I know you are thinking i should be alone...but i've been alone for a long time. THe relationship with bad guy didnt seem real. It was short, then he left...i am ready for a real companion...but i seem to be messed in the head in liking these people who treat me poorly
What is my problem?
I do see a therapist.

I had a similar situation a while back - eerily similar. Long story short - the guy continually showed me that he was not someone I could trust or rely on. And the fact taht I didn't close the door on that relationship earlier caused unnecessary conflict and hurt for me. The door is now closed - and he knows it. But the result is that I've had to clean house to get rid of the vermin that came in when I wasn't looking.
Basically, you aren't 100% ready to be in relationship with the man you;ve been dating - you say he's everything you want, etc. yet you keep looking at and hoping that bad guy will get it together. If you were truly ready to be 100% with someone, you would be. You'd look at this guy and see him for what he is - not someone you need in your life. He wouldn't even remotely appeal to you. It sounds like you are hung up in the fanatsy you have f him and are holding onto that rather than seeing what is reality.
This is self sabatoge - you are remaining involved, if even periferally, with someone who has nothign to offer you, has shown you that you cannot rely on him or trust him with your feelings, etc - and all this is at the expense of the bond you have with the good guy.
Hon, when things are working, there is no conflict or confusion or chaos. YOu are inviting these things into you life by not making a clear choice - you aren't telling the bad guy to go away - you're leaving the door cracked for him - and all sorts of vermin can slither in through a cracked door.
When you are fully honest about what you want - you will act accordingly. Teh fact that you have allowed this dynamic would indicate taht you either aren't sure or you don't believe you deserve better. When you commit to YOURSELF - to loving and respecting yourself and what matters to you - you will know without a doubt what you want and you will do what is necessary to achieve it.
Basically, when you are 100% ready to recieve a good relationship and love and respect from a man, you will not look at or be remotely interested in things that are not even close to it.
Toni
You ask why you can't seem to let go of bad guy and I think the answer is simple--he's feeding you all the lines you want to hear. And I think it's safe to say we've all had at least one person in our lives that did something similar, I know I did.
But words mean nothing. Actions will tell you the truth. His actions have spoken volumes. And what have they said? His actions say that he does not care, that he does not want a relationship, that he wants a phone buddy when he's missing home. He's using you as an object of his convenience and that's not fair to you.
At the end of the day the only person who can value you in the way you deserve is yourself. Personally I would cut off contact with this guy because he's just not worth your time. And the longer you allow him in your life, the more he will taint it.
Hope this helps.