Can't be faithful

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Can't be faithful
5
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 12:16pm
Hello - I am dating a really great guy who really likes me and treats me well, yada yada. My previous relationship was full of drama and emotional ups and downs. My current relationship is easy and relaxed, like I've always wanted... I think. the trouble is, now that I'm in this great relationship, I feel the urge to go out and cheat. I don't know what is driving this urge, it feels like restlessness. This is not the first time I have been this way, so I'm pretty sure the problem lies with me and not the relationship. the only relationships that I have been faithful in were the really unhealthy, dramatic ones. Am I addicted to drama? If so, how can I keep from sabotaging the good relationship that I have now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 2:42pm

Have you thought about counseling? There may be underlying issues you need to deal with in order to really quell the urge...


Honestly not cheating comes down to not cheating. It's really that simple and that's the only advice I could really give on how not to cheat, you know?


You may be addicted to drama. I have that same tendency and always have to be careful with it. Take it day by day and definitely get an expert who can help you through the rough spots...


Kerry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 6:58pm

It's what you know and it's "comfortable" even though awful. Having the possibility of something healthy is scary so you're reverting to old patterns. I think visiting a therapist to help you sort this out might be of great benefit.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 11:20am

This sounds like a compulsion that men more typically "suffer" from. I confess that it's hard for me to relate to having urges to stray outside a good relationship, because the only times I ever had thoughts of cheating was when I was dissatisfied with the man I was involved with. But I certainly realize that women have affairs... for all kinds of reasons.

It could be that you have already begun to diagnose your own problem, in that you recognize you have a history and pattern of being in drama-filled, rocky relationships.

Maybe, deep down, you feel unworthy of a man who is treating you so well. That is sometimes the real problem with men who cheat compulsively, despite having wonderful wives or girlfriends that they wouldn't dream of leaving. It's a self-esteem issue. And I think the best way to address it is through professional counseling.

A simpler answer could be that you're not as connected to this particular man as you should be. Just because he's sweet to you and things are easy-going doesn't mean he's really the right person for you. Examine your feelings... are you truly excited about him? Are you fulfilled intellectually, emotionally and sexually? Or are you spending time with him because he looks good "on paper" or just because he doesn't present any problems? If you are "settling" because you think you'd be foolish to give such a man up, I can almost guarantee you that this relationship will come to an end eventually.

If you are truly "into" this guy, but you still feel strange desires to have relationships with other men, the problem is definitely something within you and something you need to work on independently.

I wish you well, and I hope you are able to work through this issue and have a happy relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 8:39am
Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it. I have investigated professional counseling for a number of personal issues in the past and wasn't about to 'get in' with anyone that was recommended to me. It is certainly something I am highly interested in. I think the problem is that I am truly addicted to drama because my parents had/have a very tumultuous and rocky relationship with lots of fighting and making up and that represents love to me. I know that it is okay to have a relationship where the people get along and enjoy each other and it is getting easier as I am starting to have deep feelings for this man and don't want to hurt him. Thank you for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:11am

As far as not getting in to ones that were recommended, I would recommend getting a list of ones in your area and having a consult visit. Finding a good therapist is like finding a good pair of shoes... it's all about the fit!


Keep us posted on your progress. I think it's great that you recognize your issue and are willing to do something about it... many people never even get to that stage!