Can't handle it?
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| Wed, 12-01-2004 - 11:33pm |
Please decipher the meaning behind this...
As many of you may remember, my best friend and I dated years ago and found out recently that we still have strong feelings for each other. I "broke" the friendship last week, however because of a major problem, I had called him for help because I had no one else to turn with. (No family lives here and he's like family.)
We've been talking since last week and once again, feelings came up... Tonight we had a long talk and I told him (again) that if it was that worth it to him that he would be with me. He told me that he "just can't handle it" (interracial aspects of the relationship). He also told me that though I told him I didn't want to be friends that he knows we have a special bond that goes beyond the physical and that he doesn't want to lose me in his life. The conversation didn't end so well as he closed up and didn't want to talk anymore.
So here's my question(s): If he knows that he can't handle it, yet has feelings for me, why try to keep me as a friend in his life? The logic doesn't fit for me. And am I off my rocker thinking that if he really wanted it, he would go beyond the racial issues (mostly with his family)?
I don't want to lose him in my life but I don't see how we can remain friends and have feelings for each other--does anyone have any compromise?
As always, thanks for your help!

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I don't really have anything new to add. He knows that so far as he is concerned, your r'ship can never be, so it's easier for him to be friends with you because he's accepted that. You haven't...you still hope it's possible, so it's hard for you to be friends.
The only suggestion I have is one I've made before: that you postphone the friendship and have no contact with him, for several years if need be, until such time as you're able to let go of your romantic feelings for him.
Sheri
bklynchik...
Pianoguy has to agree with Sherri on this.
When a woman has feelings for a man...but insists that he accepts her strictly by 'her terms and conditions'---you put us in an awkward position.
Consider your friend's family....they might be pressuring him not to see you AT ALL...even though he has indicated that he wishes to be good friends with you. This isn't a case of 'not being able to handle it'---it's a case of balancing his positive feelings for you along with the negative opinions of his family. And if you think that's easy...YOU'RE CRAZY!
Keep in mind something else....please???
For some men (and it doesn't matter whether they're white, red, black or brown)...an interracial relationship isn't easy to pull off. For one thing, the couple is constantly being looked at by friends, co-workers, and total strangers. Being under survelliance constantly...is lousy! But most interracial couples have to deal with this.
Ironically...an interracial FRIENDSHIP is a piece of cake! Very few people give it any thought at all.
It's too bad you can't get that 'chip off your shoulder' and accept the friendship, but maybe it's more important for you to be in control with a lot of terms and conditions?
Pianoguy
I agree with all of you too. He's accepted it, I haven't. And thanks to Sheri, Terry and PG for your responses. Big :)'s.
Pianoguy... re some of your comments: You are right--I do have a hard time with having lines blurred, etc. It's easier for me to have things in black and white so to speak... What I'm struggling with is my feelings. I love him and I want to be with him and I don't know how to "put that away" to be just friends with him. When you find something special, it's hard to just let it go...
I guess I a also struggling with the idea of what it means to really want to be with a person. I've seen other guys go through crazy odds to be with the woman they love. So a factor such as different races confuses me because it doesn't matter to me. I get stared at too and people make plenty of comments but at the end of the day what matters to me is the person I love, not all the bs. People will *always* have something to say. And I can't help to think (maybe to beat myself up) "If I were really worth it to him, nothing would stop him from being with me..."
So those are the struggles in my head...
Help me out with something you said if you'd be so kind... would you explain this: "When a woman has feelings for a man...but insists that he accepts her strictly by 'her terms and conditions'---you put us in an awkward position." What exactly do you mean by my terms and conditions?
bklynchik...
Pianoguy knows that most women would prefer to have things 'clarified' in a relationship (maybe this has some connection with "closure"), but most men often prefer being FREE SPIRITS without any "emotional contract"....written or understood.
So when a lady like yourself...whom we may have honest feelings for, but not necessarily a desire for exclusivity...gives us the "ACCEPT ALL MY TERMS AND CONDITIONS OR FORGET ABOUT PURSUING ME" choice...how do you think most men will respond? Very few will agree to this kind of a 'threat'---although I'm sure there are probably one or two exceptions?
It's just my opinion, but if you HONESTLY want to be with someone...you have to compromise a little? In a friendship, relationship, or marriage...NO PARTNER gets his (or her) way 100% of the time!!!
PLEASE...forget about the reactions you might have seen with other couples...they AREN'T living your relationship.......YOU ARE!
Hope this helps a little?
Pianoguy
Ok, you guys just confused me. Yes, both of you! lol. Are you saying to try this out, go with the flow or leave it behind? I'm lost... please hand me a map!
*hugs*
bklynchik...
Terry and Pianoguy are trying to tell you (in a nice way) to eliminate comparisons when it comes to your relationship and those of other couples. Don't take your cues from them. Get to know the man you're interested in based on the feelings, interests and beliefs you have in common. And the ONLY WAY to do this...is to ELIMINATE the "it's my way or the highway" mental block you seem to have...at least when the phrase is connected to your relationships with men.
Pianoguy
No offense meant to either Terry or PianoGuy, but I don't think they have fully focused on the details of your situation.
This is how I would summarize it: You were with this man romantically for quite some time. You love him and want to marry him. He loves you, but is not willing to marry you because his family wouldn't accept you because of your race. But he does want to be friends with you. He's ok with that because he's accepted that you can't be a couple.
You are finding it hard to be friends with him because you still love him and want to marry him. In that case, it's not a question of "terms and conditions", it's a question of how much pain are you willing to put yourself through. Anyone who's tried it knows that there are few things more painful that pretending you're ok with being platonic friends with a person you love and want to be with romantically.
"Going with the flow" in this situation means pain for you. Period. I find it hard to believe that either Terry or PianoGuy would suggest that you do so, with a full understanding of the situation. I could be wrong though so I don't want to speak for them...
Sheri
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