Can't read what's going on!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Can't read what's going on!!
10
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 7:42am

Hello:

I have known the owner of the construction company which does work on my house and my parent's house for over a year now. He was married for most of this time, but we got to know each other over several cups of coffee in my kitchen while talking about remodeling, exchanging recipies, etc. He told my father that I look like a model (he's exaggerating, of course), but I had developed a crush on him, and looked forward to that friendly cup of coffee, even though I knew he was unavailable.

He is now separated, and our cups of coffee have become more lingering....we get along great, he makes me laugh, we have some common interests, i.e. cooking and travelling. He seems to be making excuses to drop by, and spending more time than is necessary for the work he's doing at my house....but he has not asked me out for a date!!!!

Am I mis-reading?? Was he only interested when he was safe and unavailable?? I have been encouraging while not throwing myself at him...should I forget it, or am I going to have to make the first move and risk being shot down??

Please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 5:07pm
He is still unavailable. Separated is still married. He might respond favorably if you made a move on him, but I strongly advise against it. How would you feel if you had a few dates, had sex with him, became attached and he went back to his wife to work things out?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 5:16pm

Thank you for your input, and that may be it, that he considers himself unavailable. However, I personally disagree. Also, you can become attached to someone and at any point, it can still work out differently from what you hoped for a variety of reasons, yet I still try when I'm interested.

It's very possible, however, that no matter what I think, he does not see himself as available. Then why is he hanging around so much??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 6:24pm

<< Thank you for your input, and that may be it, that he considers himself unavailable. However, I personally disagree. >>

Disagree was you see fit ... but, seperated is not divorced, and even then ... it DOES take time to get over a divorce and feel ready to date and move on with someone else. Being divorced and legally available does not make a person emotionally available.

How often do we hear stories of seperated and/or recently divorced people who jump right into dating (often for the wrong reasons ... ie, for validation) ... and end up saying "you know, I'm just not ready for this" ... or "I"m not ready for anything serious."

Divorce takes time to heal from, and anyone who's smart, self-assured, wants to go about things the RIGHT way, will give themselves this time.

<< It's very possible, however, that no matter what I think, he does not see himself as available. Then why is he hanging around so much??>>

Probably because he likes the attention, flirtation, etc. Going thru a divorce is an emotionally trying time ... he might view you as a "breath of fresh air" ... he likes the attention ... but, that doesn't mean that he's ready or able to date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 7:58pm
Cool, thanks. Anyone else??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 12:30pm
It definitely seems like he likes you and just needs a gentle nudge - like maybe you discussing a movie you'd like to see. Just keep in mind that a newly separated man can be on the rebound or might go back to his wife. Good luck
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 3:02pm
Thanks, all signs definitely point to "proceed with caution"...I'm thinking that taking a "wait and see" approach might be best. I have to admit, though, I wish I knew what the story is!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 6:28pm

<< I have to admit, though, I wish I knew what the story is!!>>

You do know what his story is ... you only need to open your eyes and see it. He doens't need to spell it out in so many words. His story is simple: he's seperated, not divorced; and therefore, isn't in a position (yet) to be dating and/or starting up a relationship with anyone. If he believed he was in that place, he'd be pursuing you or asking you out. If you're willing to wait until he gets to that place, fine ... just don't let other options pass you by while you're waiting for a seperated guy to make his divorce final and become available. As even then, he's not going to be emotionally available. This is how it is with divorced people ... and even if they try to fight it (ie, by making themselves available before they trule ARE available ... because oftentimes, their vulnerablities and loneliness will urge them to date before they're truly ready) ... their unavailability will come thru sooner or later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 8:32pm

Hey starbuck, whoever you are, I tried to tell you politely that I disagree...you don't get it. Lay off the high-minded scolding, you're not my grandmother, got it??

Yours isn't the only explanation in the world. Jeez!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 11:06pm
You asked for our opinions and Starbuck is merely stating how she sees the situation. The title of your thread says "Can't read what's going on!!" And you asked some pointed questions. I was going to suggest that this guy may be "on the rebound" as well. You can either listen to us or not. Also we don't know this guy, so we are just giving advice based on what you posted. If the man is ready for a new relationship, then great! But from my experience, most guys coming out of long relationship want to sit on the sidelines and cool off.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 1:08am

I agree with Starbuck70 on this one--- he is probably hanging around because yes, he likes the flirtation, and the attention from a new woman. Its nice when someone notices you and it makes you feel good. And its ok to spend that time, flirt, have fun. But proceed with a lot of caution- I also know from experience that it takes people a good long time to get over a divorce (not even talking separation but finalized divorce) and to become truly emotionally available.

He'll know it when he is, and when that time comes and he finds himself interested in you or another woman, he'll make the move.

Sorry to say- but I'd prob. not let this get any further in your own mind than a pleasant flirtatious friendship.

Just my $.02. That and another $1.50 will buy you a cup of coffee. ;0)