Can't tell if he is gay!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
Can't tell if he is gay!
9
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:15pm
Hi, this is my first time posting on a message board-EVER! I am really confused and would love to hear your opinion. I've been dating a guy for almost 3 months now, and he has verbally said he is very fond of me and would like me to be his girlfriend. The problem is--I have doubts that he may be gay. He is shy and reserved and I've become more animated than my usual self to over-compensate. He said he had two long-term romance before but didn't date a lot. I often see in his eyes that he is attracted to me. Everytime we end out date he hugged me really tight and asked for a kiss(but he is not a good kisser at all). BUT, he moves his body in a very feminie way...When he sits, he crosses hie leg or keeps his legs together and hands held together a lot. HE is also very soft-spoken. I don't want to offend anyone, and he is a really good guy too. I just don't want him to be in denial and try to date me for the wrong reasons. He has suggested that he wants intimacy(sex) but I don't want to have sex until I know he is capable of a relatinosip with me. Is ther a way to find out without offending him? I mena, do I really have to ask him that question face to face? Help!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:35pm

You're so fixated on waht he might be - you can't see the facts.

The guy doesn't turn you on. Nothing you wrote says "I admire his character, or I respect his intelligence, or his body is a turn on."

Everything you said is done in clinical review.....yo've gotten to the point in dating that you don't care if the share your intrests, or turn you on - as long as there is some 'guarantee' that sex is going to mean forever in your life.

Oh my god.......really re-read that. YOu're so desperate for a guarnatee that arelationship will meet yoru needs and expectations, that you've ceased to care if you like, are turned on by, or share common interests with th eperson. YOu're now negotiating a contractual job basd on yoru needs - for your benefit.

Get over it. The guy doesn't turn you on. So why are you bothering?

Let's say he's not gay...that he's shy and reserved, he hasn't had much dating experience, he was in primarily "business" type relationships just lik eyou're proposing, there wasn't alot of sexual intimacy so he doesn't really have much sexual or kissing experience.

Nothing you've dsaid indicates either of you know how to do anyting but call, go to dinner, go to a movie, have undefined nad unrealistic expectations and needs, stare frustratedly at one another...and then peck and part at the door.

That's not dating....that's simply "activity".

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 2:07am

After reading your post I kind of chuckled.. Not because it was funny but because I was sort of faced with the same situation a month or so back. I went out a few times with this cop, he was incredibly gorgeous, great place, great car, lots of money, could cook...umm shaved his legs, arms, had his penis pierced twice and couldn't kiss to save his life.

My mom had even made a joke about him being gay. It makes you wonder.

Best of luck & keep us updated.

Oh & P.S. the other poster was right about what she said about it being an activity instead of dating.. that is so true. If you aren't attracted to someone & you don't have common interests, whats the point? I know its nice to have someone to date but it obviously has to come to an end sometime.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 7:49am

juju1231...

Pianoguy thinks you have at least two issues here:

1. The question about this gentleman's sexual preference...and
2. KISSING INSTRUCTIONS???

If you're in a "rush to have sex"----then this might be ISSUE #3?

In the first case....3 months is an adequate amount of time to ask if the man wants a good friendship? Or something more SERIOUS with you? And the only way to find out is to ASK HIM!

Issue #2....most of the smart women I know...aren't afraid to tell a man how they wished to be kissed? And some of them can be PRETTY DAMN EXPLICIT! So if you don't particularly care for this man's...err...'lack of kissing experience'...show him what makes YOU comfortable!

The sex thing you should put "on hold" until the above issues are discussed and (hopefully) RESOLVED to your satisfaction???

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 8:42am
I have been in this situation more than once. One gay guy I was "dating" was telling me a story about how "Jan" thought "Bill" was straight but Joe said "No, he's gay" and to prove it they went into the guy's bedroom and Joe pulled out a bunch of gay porn from under the bed. So there is one thing you can do - look for gay porn in his home if you are able to. That doesn't always work because not all gay guys are into porn - in fact one of my gay boyfriends told me one day how disgusted he was that his gay friends were insisting that he watch gay porn with them and he didn't like porn. One thing you DON'T want to do is ask "are you gay" - you should phrase it in another way like "have you ever had sex with a man?" or "have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?" - Sometime you can even just talk about homosexuality or related issues and if he is gay and hiding it he will probably look squirmy and uncomfortable - that is something to watch for. Also, if you know any other gays you can ask them to meet the guy and tell you if he is gay - because they claim they can tell who is and who isn't. Hope this helps you. It is always a difficult situation when you are dating a guy and think he's gay because it's nearly impossible to discover the truth without offending his manhood. Unfortunately a lot of these gay guys who date women go for the "nice" women whom they know won't pressure them for sex, so if you are nice you are a target for them. Good luck with your situation. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 4:11pm
Wow, I didn't expect to get so many feedbacks so soon! I really appreciate everyone's opinion. They are all very helpful and all true to a point. There is chemistry with this guy but we are just moving very slowly. I had a bad marraige 3 years ago and a bad relationship last year with someone I thought was "the one", so I am skeptical about love I know that. I have inner issues to resolve while he is very gentle and reserved, so we are both afraid to be too forward...Thanks again for all of your input!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 1:35am
Are you serious? If you think he is gay and that sort of thing isn't your cup of tea why do any further investigating? The feminine ways are not appealing to you. If he is just a really "soft" straight guy he still won't wet your whistle so why should you waste any more time in a dead end relationship? If you enjoy his company keep him on board as a friend but don't fool yourself. You are just not feeling this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 2:53pm

I have also been in this situation more than once.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 2:56am

Hi Jilly,
Thank you for your posting, you are right in everyway and I know you do understand. I also believe he deserves someone that suits him better. I was trying too hard....Hearts got broken by the "manly men" too many times, and I no longer trust my choice of men....But I admit, he just doesn't feel right for me, not for a lifetime....I just didn't think it'd be so hard, to find someone I can share my life with and start a family. To me it is sad and I am losing hope. But, it is what it is.

Thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 11:41am

Oh hon, try not to lose hope.

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