careful what you wish for, my ex is back

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
careful what you wish for, my ex is back
2
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 12:01am
I'm not sure how I feel at this point and would love some advice. My exbf called me last night for the first time in a long time. He and I dated for 5 months and about 2 months ago he said he needed time to sort through his life and wasn't ready for anything serious. He's a widower with two young girls and he's recently divorced from a pretty unhappy marriage (divorce is only a year old, I think he married to find someone to help with his kids). He and I met online and hit it off really easily. We just both really liked each other and felt sympatico. But I strictly enforced the no contact rule and we didn't talk while we both were broken up.

But after these two months alone, I realize that I need someone who is totally devoted. I feel a little like the trust is gone after he left and I'm not sure if he won't do it again. He did some internet dating while we were apart, but told me last night that none of the women compared to me and he just kept thinking of me all the time while we were apart. He said he was here to be my man, if I'd have him, but that we'd have to take it slow.

I don't know quite what I feel. I love him, I do know that, but I'm scared of being hurt. I think he needs more time to sort himself out. We've agreed to do lunch at some point, but we've also agreed no physical stuff and let's go slow. I feel like I'm going backwards and starting back at square one. Plus it hurts that he did all this dating while we were apart. Maybe that comes with the recently divorced territory. He did tell me he needed to see what's out there and that he didn't have more than one date with any of these women, with no sex or any further phone calls. He's kind of cute, he actually admitted they blew him off. I suspect his baggage seemed to heavy for them. My admin says (she's a great friend) that he's mine now and if I believe in his character (which I do), he probably won't go wandering off again.

Anyway, I do know that his call last night was a hard one for him to make and he really put his heart out there. I'm stunned that I feel so ambivalent after what I'd been hoping for finally happened. I missed him so much when he was gone, and I took time to work on my own commitment phobic issues, but now that he's back, I'm scared and unsure.

Any advice would be so appreciated. I know a lot of you have been here, so I'd love to hear how you started back up again. I'm feeling a little sad and out of sorts these days. Man, after all of that hoping and wishing, I got what I wanted and I'm just not sure how to deal with it.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 12:34pm
I would tread lightly. I have seen this scenario before: guy says he's not sure about the one he's with, so they split up and he dates some others, BUT they won't put up with his bull and dump him, so he runs back to the one that will.

Sound familiar? I've seen it twice- once with a dear friend and once with a cousin. One took the guy back, the other is still debating. The one debating is feeling the same way you are- and that's normal. You have every right to be afraid of him hurting you again, and if you honestly feel it is a real possibility that he could, I would move on.

You said yourself that this guy still seems to need time to work out his issues. Maybe table the idea for a year, go date other men and revisit next year. If he's still around, give it a try. Be true to you and what you want/ need.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 12:45pm
Hello again ichickpee!