carpe diem?
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| Tue, 02-07-2006 - 1:45pm |
Hi,
I posted my dilemma in another forum (online dating) but thought that the problem could apply to general dating as well. Would you date someone whom you know you cannot have a future with? More specifically, he cannot marry a non-citizen due to job requirement, and I am not one. Eventually I'll get it, but we're talking about 7 to 8 years from now, at least. I am in my late 20s and he's in his late 30's. The situaion seems pretty hopeless, although not entirely impossible (he could change job, we could both wait... if things develop to that stage). What would you do in this situation? Would you enjoy the moments together right now, and see what happens in the future, or would you rather not get involved in something that almost certain will end in heartbreaks (as well as missing other opportunities - if the eventual objective is marriage)? I am torn right now. To me, I'd be willing to date him for a while and just enjoy the present, without thinking about the future. Even if there is no long-term potential, I'd rather be in an exclusive relationship with him, while it lasts, than just casually dating him. Does this make sense? Is it ok to tell him so? We became intimate about a week ago. I know sex wasn't the only thing he was interested in, because he was very proper until the 4th date - during which he was still hesitant but I kind of allowed/encouraged it to happen. I know I should've had the "exclusivity" discussion before anything happened, but I didn't. When we were kissing passionately and it looked like it was going to lead to something more, the thought crossed my mind but I didn't feel it was appropriate to bring up such heavy topic at that moment. So I only asked him if he was seeing anybody else. He said "only a date or two here and there, but none like us." He then asked me the same question, I told him that I am the same way. So now that we've passed that intimate stage, it seems more awkward to bring up the exclusivity issue, especially with our situation. Does it make sense to be wanting exclusivity if it looks like we don't have long-term potential? My reason for wanting it is that I want to be 100% devoted in a relationship... all or nothing. It might not be a smart thing to do, given that I am looking for a long-term relationship, but I believe in giving my best for the man I care about, instead of dating around and seeing if better choices come up. I don't know if he feels the same way, but I hope he does. Without such barrier between us (citizenship) I could see a good relationship blossom (we were both attracted to each other intellectually initially). I am pretty lost now and I hope to get some insights from you guys. Thanks!

I kinda know how you feel.
Im in it for all the marbles not to play the field.
With the citizenship thing, can he marry someone w/ a greencard? if so do you have one? (Im just now able to apply for my citizenship after 10 years so I know what your going through)
Honestly, it shouldnt stop you from being together. Who knows if he will even have the same job in 5 years. I'm figuring if he has that kind of job restriction it has something to do w/ the military or the government, and even they are not immune to downsizing.
If thats the reason he gives you for not being in a commited relationship- its BS.
I say if you two are that passionate about each other it shouldnt make a difference.