Cautiously I nuts

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2012
Cautiously I nuts
Tue, 03-12-2013 - 5:54pm

Ok so I have been dating...met many nice men, but none have really swept me off my feet.  Honestly, I am maintaing my standards and not waivering and really have been dating just to figure out exactly what it is I am actually want.  So about 4 months ago I made a list of my standards.  I made a list of personality traits I required, such as: Respectfulness, Honesty, Confident (those are required) and must have any two of the following: Optimist, ambitious, Adventurous, Intelligent, Cultured and Responsible.  I understand no one will have them all, but I think the top 3 plus any two from the last part would make a nice man.  I listed my physical traits, such as: age, hygeine, humor, etc.  Then listed the activities that he must enjoy (or be willing to try).  I have done my homework, and think that I got it figured out...since I made this list the quality of the men I started dating went through the roof, becasue I was open to dating anyone that 'qualified' on my list.  I found myself dating men I would have previously not gone out with, but found them great.

Now comes the REAL question & backstory!  

I was married twice...yes, I made two bad decisions...hence the reason I am asking for advice now! :)  When I married my first husband, his best friend was our best man, his then wife was my maitron of honor, and thier daughter was our flower girl and thier son was our ring bearer.  The four of us were inseperable...we went EVERYWHERE together.  Double dates, family vacations, everything!  I watched thier kids, etc.  Well my friend began cheating on her husband, and I told her I did not approve.  He was a very nice man, and provided for thier family.  He was a long distance truck driver and was not at home all the time.  Maybe 4 days a month.  They divorced.  My then husband and I remaied close friends with him, as we did not approve of her cheating on him.  He still visited and hung out with us, granted a little less becasue he was dating new women and stuff.  But we were all still friends.  Then I got divorced and he remarried...he hasnt spoken to my ex in 4 or 5 years.  So we lost touch, until about 5 years ago.  We ran into each other at a daycare center, because I remarried and had a child and he had two children by his new wife.  We were so happy to see each other (friends of course) and it was really nice to see such a good friend.  I also moved 12 hours away in this time, which was another reason we lost touch.  I have since moved back, thus we ran into each other.  

We became friends on Fabebook and he is NEVER on don;t think many men are anyway.  So I am now divorced and he is married...I see him on facebook with a wall post that he is bored...I posted where is the wife and kids...he replied back that he is divoricng.  I give him my sympothies and private message him my number and said if he wants to get out sometime let me know.  Well we texted for 3 days straight, agreed to go out to dinner one Wednesday night...and that is all she wrote...we have been inseperable since.  We get along so well.  We talked about both our first marriages (we were there thorgh both) and he summaraized why I divorced my 1st better than I ever have done!  I was floored, and was like dang!  We talked about our 2nd marriages and it was like we married a male and female clone of each other...controlling abusive people.  I have known him for over 20 years, and feel that I know him better than any other man (other than my ex husbands of course) than I have known another man...including my own father.  

My ex husband hates that we are dating.  My oldest has known him all his life and loves that we are youngest went to school with both his kids, too.  

We enjoy the same activites, we are both laid back people, and we get along very well always have.  

My divorce is not final, and my ex says he will be dragging this out for years....been a year already...I am so over the relationship, and my therpaist told me last year I was ok to date...and my guy friend will not be divorced until the first week of May.  

So with all this info, do you feel we are moving to fast?  Should I care that we have been so close for 20 years or is that a bonus?  I guess I just want to hear what others think...I am being very cautious about dating.  The most dates I have been on is 8 with one man...I have been out with this guy EVERYDAY for exactly 6 weeks now.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 10:40am

I would have said to avoid the guy if your ex was still best friends with him, but they haven't hung out in 5 or more years, so tough if the ex doesn't like it. It's good that you've known him 20 years, so you know the quality of his character and how he treats his significant other. It would've been wise to wait for him to be divorced at least 6 months to a year to mourn the relationship and be in a place to date again, but obviously you've already begun something, so it's probably at the point of no return. Life is all about risks. You can't live in a glass bubble to protect yourself from heartache. I would say to continue dating him, but don't get swept away with the emotions that come with a new relationship. Do not move in together until you've known each other 2 years. That way, you know the relationship has made it past the beginning high, and to see if you two are compatible in all the major ways. I would cut back on the every day dates. Too much of a good thing may implode. Give yourselves time to miss each other, and don't neglect your girlfriends. Keep a life of your own, spending time on hobbies and friends. This makes you even more appealing to a man, that you have your own life separate than him, and that he is sharing your happiness, but you'll be okay if it doesn't work out. Have fun and good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 10:45am

I don't think that it's bad that you have a history with this guy.  I think it's good actually because it's not like you just met him, but I definitely think you should slow things way down considering that neither one of you is divorced.  Even if you were divorced, to go immediately into seeing each other every day is just pushing things too fast.  I might be wrong about this, but it seems that when people get into something very intensely, that's when those relationships crash & burn.  I think you should dial things back while your divorce is going on.  It's really not your STBX's business who you are dating but if he is going to use it against you in the divorce, then you don't want to flaunt it either.  I assume that your kids spend some time at their dad's house--that's when you should have your dates so you don't put your kids in the middle of being questioned by their dad about what is going on.  Stay off posting things on Facebook too.  And try to get your lawyer to speed up the court process.  Normally there are steps that you have to take and the courts really dont' want people dragging out their cases forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2013
Thu, 03-14-2013 - 11:57am

My knee-jerk reaction was to say "how can this be cautious dating if you've seen each other EVERY day for the past six weeks?"

However, I do think the fact that you guys have known each other for a long time now makes it a little more understandable. So, no, I don't think you are nuts but it never hurts to slow things down a tiny bit either. See how things are when you don't see each other every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 9:17am
With the amount of failed marriages between the two of you, it seems like caution would have been the first thing on your minds. It's too late for that now, and as long as there isn't a rush to the alter, there doesn't seem to be any harm in it. Once hitting 3 months, that's usually the first possible time that the butterflies begin to lose their wings, and then you'll both begin to be able to better sort what you really have.