Chances he'll leave her for me?
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| Wed, 06-28-2006 - 12:05am |
Ok, bottom line: A guy I work with is engaged to be married in less than a year. He proposed to her after the sudden death of a co-worker of ours. They have been together five years, but since that death he and I have recently grown closer...much closer.
He said when he proposed earlier this year he meant it...now he's not so sure...saying "If only we had grown closer sooner..."
At any rate, we've kissed a few times...and it really hasn't gotten much farther than that. However, he says when we were together, he didn't feel guilty about it....and I'm the first he's kissed besides her in 5 years. HOWEVER...he says at this point he still intends on marrying her because she's "put up with him" for so long.
This is despite the fact we have more in common than they do. We come from similar familes, we can talk about things for hours (something they don't do) and we have similar goals for our lives (again, something they differ on).
This man, who I love dearly seems to be so 50/50 on everything. He can't decide who he wants to be with...if he's ready to spend the rest of his life with her or not. In fact, he's told me that most nights he winds up falling asleep on the couch and doesn't see her until the next morning as she leaves for work. He claims it's because he's too "lazy" to get up in the middle of the night and go upstairs (and the fact that she snores!).
About the only thing he does realize is that if he was 100 percent in love with her, he wouldn't have such strong feelings for me...and that they must have a "big problem" but he has yet to talk to her about it.
So my question is, because I think there's potential here...that I'm the right woman for him...do I wait for him to leave her?
And before anyone says it...this guy really is genuinely torn, and not just a player...becuase he's been worried about "stringing me along"....
My view: I'd be doing his fiancee a favor by taking him off her hands now before they wind up in divorce court. I hope that doesn't come off as insensitive..as this is the first time I've ever been involved with anything like this.

Sorry two other things I should mention:
he's been living w/her for like 3 years I think.
Also, last week I tried to get him to make a decision between us...and he said he chose her...but when I told him that "putting up with you" isn't a good enough reason to end what we have and that something inside me says I shouldn't give up...he didn't try to stop me or say something like "Don't bother b/c I'm not changing my mind"....in fact, he didn't allude to anything like his decision was final...because he says he's not sure it is.
Thanks
He is choosing her over you. It doesn't matter whether you think he's making the right decision; it doesn't matter if you think he'd be happier with you than with her. The fact is, he chooses her--not you.
Why would you settle for being someone's second choice or for being with someone who isn't sure they want you?
And, regardless of what he tells you, you don't know the dynamic between the two of them when they are alone. If he's willing to cheat on and lie to his fiancee, then he's certainly willing to lie to the other woman (YOU!).
You need to let go and move on. There's nothing you can do to make him choose you. And if you hang on and continue to play the role of mistress, despite the fact that he's clearly told you he chooses her, his fiancee, over you, the less respect he will have for you and the less likely he would ever choose you, even if he broke things off with her. Because you'd have shown how you don't need to be the official girlfriend, you're willing to settle for being the girl he sees on the down-low.
If you're really right for each other, then he would leave her with no prodding from you and come find you for a real relationship once he was free and unattached. But that's not the case here.
Don't you deserve to be someone's number 1?
Gee, another message right up my alley.
First of all, you are treading on dangerous waters being involved with an engaged man. It should have been stopped a lot sooner, but now you have more serious feelings that may destroy the planned wedding.
I do feel for you, as I was in a kind of similar situation with an ex-love many years ago. Like your man, she was torn between her fiance (our situation was different as to when he became her fiance, however) and me. But I had to make the right choice and leave her to her choice to marry him.
Yes, I was also very right for her. He was very, very wrong as many friends/relatives shared with her. But in the end, she chose to marry him. Two kids later, she did divorce him. Years later we talked and regretted our choices. But that's the way it was and had to be.
You see, it's like that saying....."If you love something(someone), let it(them)
go. If it(they) comes back, it's(they're) yours. If it(they) doesn't, it never was.
As painful as it is, it is the only right choice. If you let him go and their engagement fails, then you can hold your head up high should he come back to you. If he succeeds in marrying her, you should truly wish him the best of success in as much as it may hurt you. Also, should he not marry her, but instead you find someone better or he instead chooses not to come back either, then you should live with that reality as well.
The bottom line is you don't want to be the other woman that destroyed his engagement. If they are to fail, let them fail on their own accord. What happens later is an unknown destiny that will take place in it's own time. Your only focus now is to move on with your own life. None of us has a crystal ball to know who else may walk into your life. But if that were to happen, it is possible that you would then realize that it was your destiny and perhaps only for the better. I wish you the best. Good luck.
I think women make the big mistake by thinking they'll be better for a man than his wife, g/f or fiance. I don't care how much he b*tches and moans about the s/o, the fact still remains he's with her and he's not leaving.
I'm sure he knows the o.p. would jump at the chance for him should he give it to her but he won't. He probably will eventually marry her.
And I like what you said that she doesn't know how it really is when it's the two of them alone together. He's telling her one thing but I'm sure he feels another.
Yes, move on. This isn't worthy of your time or your heart. But I'm sure no matter what we tell you, you'll go with how you feel and ignore the rest of us. Some things you have to find out for yourself and chalk it up as lesson learned.
Well, if you wait for him to leave her, and he actually does...then all you'll have is a guy who thinks that it's ok to kiss another woman and not feel guilty about it. If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you.
Sheri
+1, I never understood why anyone would think that they would not be in the same situation. My father cheated on my mom for years and all those women thought it would be different if they were together but it wasn't. He left a trail of insecure women and many illegitimate children.
I guess growing up seeing my mom hurt, I could never put myself in that situation or do that to another person. Maybe you need to think how you would feel if the tables were turned.
<< My view: I'd be doing his fiancee a favor by taking him off her hands now before they wind up in divorce court. >>
Sure, you'd be doing HER a favor, but you'd be doing yourself a huge disservice. First of all, anyone who can so easily leave one person for another isn't a great catch. If a person needs to leave a relationship, then they should leave the relationship for the right reasons ... because they shouldn't be getting married.
But, if he leaves her to be with you, all he's telling you is that he could just as easily leave you if/when someone else comes along who catches his fancy. People who are secure, well-balanced individuals, who know what they want in life, and know how to TREAT PEOPLE, don't leave one person for another. They leave a relationship so they can get themselves together, get clear in their head and their heart ... and THEN, pursue a relationship.
That said, if you are the right woman for him, surely you'd be able to allow him this time ... to get over his relationship with her, and not jump right into something new with you, without first having put the past behind him. That is, if you are so sure that you are the RIGHT woman for him.
Whether you know it or not, you really should NOT want him to leave her for you ... what you SHOULD want is for him to leave for the right reasons, and then ... if/when the time is right, you guys can pick things up when there's nothing to hide AFTER he's had a chance to put it behind him. Otherwise, all you're going to end up being is a rebound. Anyone who jumps from one signficant relationship (and yes, being engaged is a SIGNFICANT relationship) into a new relationship is only fooling themselves. People DO need time to put things behind them. Like it or not. And, if he does not do that, all you will be to him is someone who's filling a void ... just as you are right now.
I agree with the poster who said that there relationship could be something completely different behind closed doors. Only THEY know what they have. He can tell you anything he wants you to hear. That's what unfaithful people do ... he's lying to her (he has to be, in order to see you), so ... what makes you think he's not lying to you, too?
You said you guys have so much more in common, similiar families, can talk for hours and hours. Do you KNOW HER? Have you seen them interact? If not, you don't know diddly-squat. All you know is what he tells you. Which is of the many things that happen in affairs ... the "other woman" (which is what you are) is led to believe that she's SO MUCH BETTER for him. Of course that's what he'd like for you to believe. Playing on your sympathies is one of the many tactics cheaters use, because it gets you EMOTIONALLY INVESTED in him. I mean, if he talked about all the good things they have, you'd be saying "umm, ok, then why are you with me?"
But, if he paints their relationship with a troubled brush ... that gets you "hooked in" ... your the one who listens, the proverbial "shoulder to cry on" ... because, seriously, how many guys who have affairs are going to sing their wife/fiance/GFs praises?! Probably not many. Why? Because you'd be wondering "why the heck are you with me if she's so great!?"
So, take that as a lesson ... any guy who's cheating is either not going to talk about his SO or will downplay or disparage the relationship. It's just "part of the deal."
Here's another part of that lesson to be learned << This man, who I love dearly seems to be so 50/50 on everything. He can't decide who he wants to be with...>>
People in affairs are also proverbial fence sitters. They don't know what they want, blah, blah, blah. The bottom line is that indecision is a decision: to not decide! Which makes him SELFISH. Period. Of course he seems to be 50/50 ... if he made a decision, you know what that decision would be. You already said so. But, as long as he leaves you believing that he's "torn" ... that keeps you hanging on, and he gets to selfishly have his cake and eat it, too.
<< In fact, he's told me that most nights he winds up falling asleep on the couch and doesn't see her until the next morning as she leaves for work. He claims it's because he's too "lazy" to get up in the middle of the night and go upstairs (and the fact that she snores!).>>
He TELLS you these things, but truth is, fact is ... you don't know, not unless you're there. You just don't know. He can tell you she snores, he can tell you he sleeps on the couch, he can tell you WHATEVER HE WANTS. You said "in fact" and "the fact that ..." .. but, that's not FACT. You don't know it to be fact. And, so long as you choose to believe him and let him play on those violin strings, he can tell you whatever he thinks will keep you invested.
Again, remember ... he IS lying to her, what makes you think he's not lying to you?
<< and that they must have a "big problem" but he has yet to talk to her about it. >>
Uh, no kidding! So instead of talking to her about their "big problem" and having an honest relationship with her, he chooses to cheat on her. A real winner!!
Again, just another lesson to learn. People don't cheat because of the other person in the relationship not meeting their needs. No one drives a person to cheat. They cheat because they don't know how to meet their own needs in a HEALTHY, non-damaging way. If he chose to be honest with her, and have an open discussion with her about their relationship, he'd be meeting his needs in a healthy way. And in turn, the needs of the relationship. But, he's not choosing that ... he's choosing the coward's way around having to have an honest relationship.
If you want to choose to believe he's genuinely torn, that's fine. But, as you said yourself, if he had to choose RIGHT NOW, he'd choose to stay with her. So, how torn can he be? Not very. He just doesn't WANT to choose because he's got both of you. Which doesn't make him torn, it makes him selfish.
Steer clear