Cheating or not cheating? Forgive/leave?
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Cheating or not cheating? Forgive/leave?
| Sun, 02-26-2006 - 10:33am |
Anyone who can help me out please? I have been with my bf for a year now. Thoughout the year we have had lots of problems. But what has caused most of our problems happened over the summer. I found some emails my boyfriend wrote to a co-worker who is married with children. In these emials they talked about having sex, wanting to be with each other. The emails were so detailed they left nothing to the imagination. This has gone on for months. th efirst emial i found was in July or Aug and the last last one i found was dated 1/19/2006. i have confronted him time and time again about the emails. He swears nothing ever happened. That they just emailed each other. In November i left. And went back b/c he told me he stopped that he told her she was not worth loosing me over. I dont believe him b/c i never would of found that email dated 1/19/2006. The thing she said to her i cant get out of my head. I cant forget and i dont know if i can forgive him. I want to forgive because i love him and i want to marry him. It just hurts so bad. And he does not see that he did any wrong. He does not see that writing those emails was wrong. I just dont know what to do. What he wrote and said to her is ruining us and he doesnt see that. Someone please help me. Feel free to email me at jennifer24irish@yahoo.com

Hi Jennifer,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. But why do you want to be with him? Any man that lies to you over and over is not worth marrying. This is not a guy who is honest nor loyal. He's talking about things with other women that he should only be talking about you. And Lord only knows what he's actually doing behind your back. For all you know, there could be an affair going there.
My advice? Get out. He's not worth it. He's a liar. Period, end of story. If you marry this man, you are going to be in for some tough times. I know you love him, but you have to ask yourself what you're loving. Treat yourself right and do not allow someone else to treat you as he is. No more forgiving, no more chances. He had his chance and he showed you that he doesn't care. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.
You have to start believing that you deserve better too.
Hope this helps.
I think I can empathize with you, Jennifer. You want to give him the chance to change. The way I finally resolved it was that the person is judging themselves. Your bf has already judged himself unworthy of you based on his behavior. Even God doesn't change what someone's decided, "By what judgment you judge, that's how you'll be judged" approximate quote. It took me years to accept this. If you accept this behavior from him, he'll judge you, I believe. I treated men well who mistreated me and they rationalized their behavior by saying I was just after their money (they had so much, not!), had other ulterior motives, etc. Nothing I did could change their outlook; I guess because they didn't want it to. They weren't ready for change. My counselor told me to look for a guy whose outlook on life was right. For ex., does he think that people are just living their own lives, or does he think that everyone's out to get him, etc. I've found that when people make blanket judgments about others, they're usually really talking about themselves. If you knew your bf well enough, i.e., he let his guard down, he'd probably be telling you what a slut this married woman with kids is, etc.. That's just how these kind of guys are, but believe me, he'll get around to you, too. They project the way they feel about themselves onto others but they can't or won't change because their pride won't let them humble themselves to realize it's really themselves they're unhappy with.
Of course, I'm not an expert and I don't know your situation really, but this guy has to know what he's doing is way out of line. I think he's just testing you to see how much you'll put-up with. How good of a candidate you'd make to pour all his self-hatred and loathing onto, i.e., abuse. Sometimes we carry the "critical parent" around with us internally after we grow-up. Men can fill that slot until we realize that it's their loss when they judge themselves unworthy of us. Good luck, Jennifer.