cheating? what would u do stay go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
cheating? what would u do stay go?
19
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 6:38am

I am so undecided on what to do and want to ask for some advice. If you are in a relationship were you have a gut feeling that something is wrong in that you think in some way your mate is not being faithful but you have no concrete evidence what would you do? Would you leave? Would you stay and just deal with these feelings until you know for sure or not?

My BF of a year acts shady in that he is locking his phone when he sleeps, takes his phone in the shower with him, always has it on him or around him within hands reach. When he goes places with his friends I am not invited and when I ask if I can go he says no. He will not let me see his phone ever and when I look over at him when he is using it or reading a text message he covers the phone or put it down so I dont see it. He is very secretive too were when I ask him where he is going he says I dont know a lot of the time. He is with me every nite and he does not go out a lot but I do work alot and I do have to work nites some times too so I am not with him all the time. I dont have any concrete evidence that he is doing anything but I have this feeling that something is wrong. How do I find out? or if I have no trust right know is it worth keeping?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:06am
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Has his behavior changed recently or has he always been like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:25am
He has always been like this but I really didnt notice it or felt like I could not trust him until recently. I know that he has women calling his phone. he also tells me somethings like "this girls likes me, or this girl think I am cute, this girl hit on me, I am a stud, I look good...etc..." He gets me thinking that all these girls like him, hit on him all the time, etc, so I start thinking bad things and then I dont trust him. With him locking his phone too, and earsing all his calls and texts, it just doesnt add up. He also never takes me out with him places especially around the places were girls that call him are. What would you do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 10:27am
I would not be involved with a person I couldn't trust, nor that was so secretive... Sounds very fishy to me. If I may ask, why did you ever get involved?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 3:34pm

Hmmm, whether he's cheating or not, all you can do is evaluate what he's showing you ... and that is, he's showing and telling you that he likes the attention of other women (to the point at which he's bragging about it) and that he likes to go places without you so that he can soak up attention from other girls. Sounds like a classic case of a "guy who has a girlfriend, but doesn't really WANT a girlfriend." Seems like what he WANTS is the attention of as many women who are willing to pay attention to him. So, regardless of whether or not he's acting on this attention ... what you DO know is that he's showing you and telling you that enjoys the attention of other girls. So much so that he'd prefer to not have you out with him.

As for his attachment to his phone ... has there been any snooping on your part in the past? (by no means blaming you, but ... it's a common theme here when we hear stuff like this happening ... so, I've got to ask)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 5:00pm
He has always carried his phone around him all the time since I started dating him. The only thing different know is that is used to have his phone on or his ringer on at all times so when his phone was ringing or texts came in no matter what the time of day or nite. Know his phone is always on silent when he is around me especially at nite time. I dont know anymore. He is just so secretive and he plays that double standard with me. He can have women call him but I cant have guys call me because he assume that I am cheating with them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 5:34pm

Did you say that you've been going out with this guy for a year now? And he has always been like this? Part of what's important to me in a relationship is the honesty and openness between the two people involved. And since you have been going out with him for that long already, I think you have the right to sit down and have a talk with him about your concern. Do tell him what you feel about his being so "secretive". Basically you feel very uncomfortable about this (at least from what I gather from your post), and ask him why he is doing this too. I think that you deserve to get an explanation of that, and if, after having talked nicely with him about this, he still hasn't opened up and gives a lame excuse like "I don't know" or something along those lines, then in my opinion, it is time to seriously consider whether or not you want to continue this relationship with him.

You need to watch out for yourself above all else, and you can't keep going on wondering whether or not he is being unfaithful to you. It's just going to eat you up inside, and that's very unhealthy. The best way to find out what one's intentions/motives are is to talk to that person involved, in this case, your BF.

AM

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 8:21am
Okay, let me get this right. You're with a guy who does this whole cell phone dealie. What caught my attention is that he never takes you anywhere with him and you're not allowed to go out with him and his friends. Have you ever? Do you know his friends and they know you? All the cell sneakery aside, whar else is going on here? Forgive me for saying it dear, but if you've been dating this guy longer than 3 months, he actively calls/talks to other women, you don't know his friends, and he doesn't actually go out with you anywhere then you don't have to worry about whether he's cheating on you or not because you are not his girlfriend. It sounds like he needs a lot of ego stroking -- talking about how attractive other women find him, etc. Do a quick mental evaluation to make sure he's not using you to do the same. I can't say for sure with what little info I've got on the situation, but I'd be concerned that you're maybe just booty-call plan B here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 11:35am
I meet him through some mutual friends and we used to hang out at first maybe first month. I do know his family and some of his friends. He is with me everyday everynite. The only time we are not together is when I am at work. He doesnot really go out at all either. He just recently started going out a little bit more frequently maybe once every other week of so for the last month. He is not with me when I am working and sometimes I work nites so that time he is on his own. For the most part he does not want to go anywhere so we stay in alot. We will go out once in a while to dinner or movies. If he has a party or something that he wants to do (this is not all the time though) I am not invited nor does he bring me with him. I agree with you with the ego stroking. He is very concieted and thinks he is gods gift to women. He really seems to like th attention from other women because he always talks about it. I do think I am his girl and disagree with you on that because if I was a booty call he would come do his thing and leave. He is with me all the time for the most part and does not leave unless I am working or once in awhile to hang out with friends. He just recently started having a interest for going out a little more frequently and he has been hanging with girls that he says are friends. I dont even really care that he wanted to go out because I need time to my self to but with all the secretive behavior and with girls calling him I just dont know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 12:32pm

It is sounding more to me that you are just a companion more than anything. Sure you are always together every night (or whenever you are not working), but the fact that he feels he is free to go out and do his own thing, and he does not even take you along with him to parties, etc. and introduce you to his other friends, then I really don't see any type of meaningful relationship here. He doesn't seem to see you as important enough to "show" in public that you are his girl and that he feels so much for you. I also do not agree that you are just a "booty call" but what this all boils down to is that you are just a convenience for him. You really should rethink this "relationship" that you have with him, and also, start thinking about the relationship you have (or lack thereof) with yourself.

AM

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 2:37pm

Sorry

I am sorry to say but he is cheating. How I know the same situation just happened to me and I found out the hard way when I called him and his supposed ex-fiance answered the phone. He never used to let me by his phone and he was with me 5 days a week that dosen't mean anything he still found time to be with her. People that cheat are the best liars remember that. The best advice I could give you try to get his phone while he is sleeping or something it may sound bad to do but it is only to benefit yourself look at sent and recieved texts and for phone numbers you don't know. I wish I would have done that cause then maybe I wouldn't be as heartbroken as I am now.

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