cheating? what would u do stay go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
cheating? what would u do stay go?
19
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 6:38am

I am so undecided on what to do and want to ask for some advice. If you are in a relationship were you have a gut feeling that something is wrong in that you think in some way your mate is not being faithful but you have no concrete evidence what would you do? Would you leave? Would you stay and just deal with these feelings until you know for sure or not?

My BF of a year acts shady in that he is locking his phone when he sleeps, takes his phone in the shower with him, always has it on him or around him within hands reach. When he goes places with his friends I am not invited and when I ask if I can go he says no. He will not let me see his phone ever and when I look over at him when he is using it or reading a text message he covers the phone or put it down so I dont see it. He is very secretive too were when I ask him where he is going he says I dont know a lot of the time. He is with me every nite and he does not go out a lot but I do work alot and I do have to work nites some times too so I am not with him all the time. I dont have any concrete evidence that he is doing anything but I have this feeling that something is wrong. How do I find out? or if I have no trust right know is it worth keeping?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 4:47pm
Hi, I am not proud of it but I have looked in his phone before. It was hard to get to it because he always has it around him but when I did I saw some phone calls froma girl on there. I was not sure what to do to call her or not and what would I say if I did? I wrote the number down because I was not sure and still not sure if it is right to call and ask her what her relationship is to him. What if she doesnt answer too? This was a couple weeks ago to a month ago. The few times I have looked recently I saw that he deletes his phone log everyday and his text messaging too. He forgot one nite to delete some picture mail he had in his phone but I could not see it cause I did not know how to work his phone and view the pictures. I never really felt insecure before about us and now I do and I just dont feel right about things. If you had a number would you call it what would you say? I asked him about this girls picturemail and he said it was from his friends exgf but why would she be texting him pictures that was my question if it was his friends ex?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 6:27pm

No matter what happens, do not ever call that number you have. Throw it away, please. You will just be lowering yourself if you do that. As far as looking on his phone, no matter what is going on, you should respect other people's privacy. It's a very immature act to do that, and I'm not surprised that he now deletes his logs of prior calls and text messages. Did he actually catch you looking through his phone logs?

You mentioned that you are not feeling right about these things? Are you not feeling right about your actions or just about the relationship as a whole? My advise to you is to really look into your heart and ask yourself if you would want to be treated the same way you have treated your bf (looking through his phone logs, having so much distrust). If you have any suspicions whatsoever about his actions, he is the best person to talk to first. At least you would have given him the benefit of the doubt. However, if after you talked to him, he has denied your suspicions, and you still feel strongly that he is cheating on you, or you don't feel comfortable at all with his actions, then it's probably time to let the relationship go.

Besides, from what you said how you have been behaving, plus how you are tempted to behave (actually thinking of calling the number of a girl that you obtained from his cellphone), you really need to take a good look at yourself and perhaps work on improving yourself as well. I don't mean to be harsh, just making observations and constructive criticism based on what you wrote.

AM

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 6:47am

Forget the girl's number, forget all the outside ideas, forget what you don't know. It simply boils down to this--are you happy with the way he's treating you? An honest, loving, open relationship is built on mutual trust and intimacy (not to be confused with sex). For example, take my brother. Anytime he was serious about a girl he was dating, I met her as well as his friends. He may not have introduced her to our parents unless he was serious, but it was definitely established amongst his peers that this was his girl. He would take her out to all the parties, hang out with mutual friends and share time with the outside world. Your boyfriend is not doing this and this is a HUGE warning sign to me.


I'm wondering why his behavior is ok with you. You say it's been going on for quite some time. Is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life? He goes out, does his thing and you are never included? I wouldn't treat a friend like that, let alone a boyfriend/girlfriend. Despite what's going on, the real issue here is the treatment of you. Is it something you really want to continue to accept?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 7:44am

HI, he has always deleted his phone logs and texts every day this is not something new he just started. I have never in my life felt insecure about my relationship with him or with any relationship that I have been in before like this. I am not proud of looking through his phone but I have talked to him before about girls calling him and about his actions and how I feel about it. I just didnt completely believe what he is saying because things did not add up. It is a long story but he would say something or do something an then I would find out things were not all what he said they were because he did not realize what he already told me. I dont think he is deleting things and treating me like this because I was snooping on him. I have only looked at his phone a couple times and the times I have I confronted him on it and told him what I did. He has and still does look in my phone all the time and he does it when I am not around nor does he ask my permission to do so. I really dont make a big deal of it because I look at it as I am not trying to hide anything. He has even a couple monthes ago flipped out because I had a guy text my phone that I was friends with because he say Hi beautiful. He did not like this and made me call up this guy right infront of him and tell him not to text me anymore and if I did not do it he was leaving because he felt this was wrong. He has a double standard with me. Some of his actions have caused me to question his faithfulness to me. I do not necessarily think he is cheating but I think something is not right and I cant put my finger on it. The reason why I posted on this board was because in reality I do not want to let him go because I love him. Just something are not adding up to me and I wanted to get to the bottom of things. I really would not care nor did I ever before care that he talks to girls on the phone or has friends that are girls. I never until recently questioned things like this because I was not and am not normally insecure. I am not even the jealous type usually. But when he constantly tells you that his friends think he is cute, say "leave ur wife at home come hang out," call him all the time trying to get him to come and hang out, it starts to get under ur skin and then I started to question my relationship with him.

In my first post here my question was if you have doubts in your relationship but you do not have any concrete facts wouold you stay and deal with this feelings or leave? See me I was and am undecided because I am not sure that is enough for me to end things with him just by going on instinct because what if it is wrong. What if he is not doing anything and he is only friends with this women and just likes the ego boost he gets from being friends with them. My judgement on this is clouded. I would really rather know for sure that something is going on and have it right in my face then to trust my instinct and let him go for what could or maybe the wrong reasons. I had no concrete evidence that he was doing anything besides talking to girls or having girls as friends from what he tells me. But since I was second guessing some of what he tells me I was contemplating if I should ask one of these girls that are his friend if that is really what there relationship is or was to them. That is why I thinking about calling. I dont think that I was acting irrationally or that I am a bad person for looking in his phone I acted out of instinct because I had a feeling that he was not giving me the whole truth on things. SO that is were I stand. I am stuck in the postion with either excepting things for how they are and stay in this realtionship or end things based on how I feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 8:47am

You do have concrete facts. He's controlling you. He has no business going through your phone, checking your text messages, and asking you to call someone up and tell them to cease all contact with you.

He is isolating you and slowly taking you away from all of your friends. This is not healthy. Yet, he himself is maintaining friends (and perhaps lovers) and an active social scene, and he does not allow you to dictate to him who he may and may not see.

Why are you staying in this relationship?? I understand that you love him, but love is not always enough. You need to love yourself more. And the only way to find a healthy, happy relationship that will hopefully last the rest of your days is to get rid of the unhealthy ones.

I would break up with him, if I were you. You deserve more. I highly doubt it will get better with him.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 12:27pm
Thanks for your response. I am starting to see things clearly and I think I know what I need to do but just dont want to face reality. Since Sunday when he came back from his party he went to(for like an hour)he has been acting very cold and distant. When he came back right away (I figured he was going for a while at least a couple of hours) he came up stairs to finish watching to game. I followed and asked if everything was alright he said "yep". I said ok and and finished folding my laundry. He left went down stairs and a little while later I came down again to sit with him and he got up and said he was going to bed. I kept think did I do something say something? He was fine when he left for the party in an ok mood. When he came home totally different person. Started with the one line answer again. Monday same thing all day. He did not speak to me unless I said something and his response was short. Same thing that nite I came down to watch tv with him and he got up again and said I am going to bed. I was like what is wrong are u mad at me for something. His response "nope". Same thing yesterday to. I asked him if he could do something for me while I was at work and his response was "you do nothing for me so no." i did not want to argue so I did not say anything. This is a bunch a crap though because I do alot for him. Then again this morning again same attitude I said I really cant take this and I feel as though you dont want me around and I feel unloved. He said he is fine and he never said that. He has been angry about our living arrangements the last couple monthes too I have a roomate that does not want to move out and it is a long complicated story but he doesnt like what is going on and hold it against me. I am not sure if that is why he mad again or not but I even if it is that is no reason to be mad and not say anything to me for 4 days. I just dont know. I feel so sad, empty and confused. I have been stressing out over what is going on and why is he acting like this. He changes his moods like he changes his underwear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 3:52pm

Hello

This is so wierd how much the same our situations are. My boyfriend always erased his incoming calls and text messages (and remember one day I call and his ex fiancae answered). Call the number ask for the girl and ask what relationship she has with him. Remember do this for yourself don't let a fool be made out of you. There is something fishy going on don't find out the hard way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:31pm

He takes his phone into the shower with him? He certainly is embarking on suspicious behavior and you have a right to ask him straight out why he is so secretive, if he is cheating? Say you just want to know what's truly going on in your relationship and you would very much appreciate an honest answer.


,
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 2:12pm

Hon, I am sorry you are going through this. Everyone deserves better than this. IMO, it sounds like he is too much of a chicken to break up with you so he is trying to be as big of a jerk as he possibly can to encourage you to break up with him. That way, he comes off looking like the "wronged" party since you dump him and he comes out smelling like a rose. Once you dump him, he could cry "oh woe is me, all I ever did was go out with my friends and she dumps me! She was a b%&#$ anyway - she never did anything for me, never wanted to go out, had this crazy roommate that didn't want to move, feel sorry for me PLEASE!". Of course this would be all his manipulation and skewed view of the facts.

You might love him, but he does not love you. When you love someone, you don't treat them like a second class citizen and he is. He WANTS you to break up with him but is not man enough to do it himself. Stand up for yourself and get this guy out of your life. You say that you are sad and stressed all the time. This isn't going to get better, if anything, it will get worse. Do you really want to put up with that? Seriously, if this relationship is not making you happy anymore, despite the fact that you love this jerk, why would you stay in it? A bad relationship is NOT better than no relationship. It is MUCH, MUCH worse.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

Pages