Clash-Movie with him or my GF?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Clash-Movie with him or my GF?
9
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 10:10pm

Okay...so I had posted earlier about this guy. Btw, I did end up going over to him at the event, and talking to him. It was our first meeting, and we only met for a few minutes. He later emailed that he thought I was very courageous to have come by to say my Hi, and he respects me for that. He did call today, and during the course of our talk, basically, our seconds phone conversation, asked if I wanted to meet up! I was quite happy and relieved to hear that, but did not jump to an immediate yes...:P...I took a a few seconds to answer :-)). Anyways, this would be our first official date. He suggested a movie, that's now in town, the same movie I had already decided to watch with one of my girlfriends! And that's the dilemma. I told him I will let him know my plans. Now what do I do? Continue with my earlier plan with my GF (It's not that she does not have others to go with, infact, she was going to get along one of her friends too...but it is true that we have been planning on going together)....or let her know I can't go with her, and go with him instead?? What would you do. I kinda like this guy.

Okay, so another question.....to think over..
After our long conversation today....he had to go (he had some work he had told me about) and he said something like "have a great monday, tuesday....wednesday, thurs...friday.. .. until whenever we talk next". Does this sound positive to you?

Was he trying to *hide* his interest, if he had any?

Insights?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 10:16pm

OK, his comment at the end is odd.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 10:33pm

So you find it odd too right? :-( That kinda sunk my heart when I heard that, and I was not sure whether it was just me being the super-sensitive person I am.

2 scenarios.

He was really interested in talking to me again very soon, but just didn't wanna admit it.

He really didn't wanna talk to me soon again, and had no idea when we were going to touch base again anyway.

Okay.....tell me how would you feel if this happens. Is this a red flag?

At the event, when I met him for the first time, I introduced him to my GF. He shook her hand and asked her name, and when he couldn't hear her, he asked her again. All this time, he was holding her hand.

Would this make you uncomfortable as the watcher and future date of this person?

And then today when we talked....and I mentioned her...he asked me what the meaning of HER name was...and then he added something like "hmm...she seemed really sweet..". I suddenly felt so much hurt in my heart, that I surprised myself. I was, all of a sudden, a changed person with him, my mood got affected, and I became really silent, and then I blurted out "so are we going to be talking about her here, or me". It was as if he suddenly realized what he was doing, and he started trying to make me laugh, and "make up" to me.

Am I just being over-sensitive here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 2:17pm

<< Now what do I do? Continue with my earlier plan with my GF (It's not that she does not have others to go with, infact, she was going to get along one of her friends too...but it is true that we have been planning on going together)....>>

Yes, continue with your earlier plan and go with your GF.

<< or let her know I can't go with her, and go with him instead?? What would you do. I kinda like this guy.>>

But, you CAN go with her. It's not as though, if you suggest something else with the guy, that all bets are off! lol

You said that, the way you guys left it, was that you'd let him know what your plans are. Just say "yah, my friend really wants to see that movie and I told her I'd see it with her." And, suggest something else. It's IMPORTANT that you suggest something else if you're going to decline his suggestion. Don't overlook that important step ... because if you dont' suggest something else, he may infer it as "I'm not interested."

Also, I'm not a big fan of movies for a first date. I mean, how can you get to know someone in a dark, quiet theater? You can't. Movies are a lazy and completely boring first date. Suggest lunch. It's a little more informal and casual than dinner ... lunch is a good way to break the ice.

But, never, ever, ever, ever ditch your plans with a friend for a guy.

.... ever.

Did I say EVER? Yep, I meant never, ever, ever. :)

If you "kinda like him" ... that's fine. You can still like him and want to get to know him without cancelling out on your friends. Plus, if you do that, it sets a precedent ... not only with the guy ... but, with your friends. Your friends will think they are dispensible. Please, don't be one of those women that blows off her friends at first chance of meeting up with "some guy." Respect and value your friends and those relationships ... after all, does some guy deserve more respect and consideration than people you've known for years? No, of course. So, don't do that. Ever.

.... ever.

As for the second part and << Was he trying to *hide* his interest, if he had any?>> ... I think he was trying to be coy, casual, open-ended, etc. In other words, he didn't want to seem over-anxious or anything like that. Don't overthink it. Take it with a grain of salt. Seriously, he probably just said it ... as guys do ... they just say whatever comes out. They dont premeditate and overthink their conversations the way women often do. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 9:08pm

Thanks Starbuck.

I suggested lunch/dinner, but I think he misunderstood, and thought, a movie AND lunch and dinner :-)). He gave me a few nights he is free, and told me to pick one.

Another thing I found odd was the way he was with my girlfriend. I ended up mentioning to him, his "seeming interest" in my friend, and said that if he is interested in HER then he shd let me know, and I will re-introduce the both of them! I mean he held her hand for a good while while trying to listen to her name, and then the next day, he remembered her name correctly (she has a very unique name), said she was very sweet, and asked me what it means. I mean, I was seriously hurt, that he was actually devoting so much time thinking and talking about HER than me. Would this disturb you too, or am I being overly sensitive? It was only when I became a bit upset, that he changed tracks, and tried to concentrate on me. The odd thing was when I mentioned this to him in my mail, he responded, but chose to not say ANything about HER. Hmmm. Wonder why. That's suspicious!

PS: As an aside, that is one of the many reasons I am scared of relationships, and dont trust many guys, because they seem very easily distracted with girls. I mean, do I have to now keep my Girlfriend AWAY from him, so he doesn't get attracted to her and ditch me???? This is ridiculous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 10:10pm
Just putting my two cents in....I think at this stage in the game it would be in the range of normal for him to feel attracted to any number of people. Spending time talking to you or asking you out doesnt mean he cant or wont be drawn to other women. I think most people are capable of this - the thing that isnt so good about what you wrote is that this guy doesnt have the sense to edit this attraction for your friend when he is around you which is either not so smart, not so considerate or worse, pretty damn manipulative. If he was looking for a response from you, it looks like he got one. Sometimes I think men and women will convey interest in someone else in front of you in order to see where your interest in them lies. Not the greatest strategy but it is one I have experienced.
I wouldnt necessarily start worrying right away about keeping your friends separate from your man. You cant help his interaction with any nuber of women so your friends should be the least of your worries. Women can be weasels with men who are clearly taken. I have experienced that in spades lately. Some dont seem to see any boundary at all with someone who is clearly in a relationship and we cant be there all the time. You simply have to be in relationships with men who you trust. Period.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 11:42pm

<< I suggested lunch/dinner, but I think he misunderstood, and thought, a movie AND lunch and dinner :-)). He gave me a few nights he is free, and told me to pick one.>>

Well then, go to lunch or dinner ... and if goes well, go to a movie, too. My point was that its not really possible to talk and get to know each other better in a movie, but ... if you've already talked over a meal ... then, sure ... why not toss a movie in there too! It doens't have to be methodically planned out. :) Just get together and see how it goes.

<< I ended up mentioning to him, his "seeming interest" in my friend, and said that if he is interested in HER then he shd let me know, and I will re-introduce the both of them! >>

Hmm, that might toss up a "red flag" in his mind ... that is, if he thinks your the jealous type, and you haven't even been on a date yet! But, he still suggested doing something by giving you a few options of evenings that he's free ... so, take that at face value and see if you guys have a nice time together. There's no need to put the cart before the horse and start thinking of him as "boyfriend material" or anything like that if you guys aren't compatible. So, all you can do is go out, spend some time together ... and see if there's anything there.

What did he say when you suggested introducing him to your friend?!

<< I mean he held her hand for a good while while trying to listen to her name, >>

Does he some like a touchy-feely person? I don't know what to make of that, sorry.

<< I was seriously hurt, that he was actually devoting so much time thinking and talking about HER than me. Would this disturb you too, or am I being overly sensitive?>>

Well, I dont think I'd be seriously hurt over anything any guy whom I really didn't even know yet did ... I mean, if at this point, having not even been out with him yet ... if I was feeling upset or disappointed in the guy ... I'd most forget about him. Why bother? Nothing invested right? If you're feeling upset or hurt, and you haven't even been out with him... well, its your choice as to whether or not you want to give it a shot.

<< As an aside, that is one of the many reasons I am scared of relationships, and dont trust many guys, because they seem very easily distracted with girls. I mean, do I have to now keep my Girlfriend AWAY from him, so he doesn't get attracted to her and ditch me???? This is ridiculous.>>

Yah, it is kinda ridiculous. I mean, if you don't trust him already (which probably has more to do with trust issues with guys, in general, than it has to do with HIM specifically) ... then, don't even bother going out with him. Why? Because you WILL project insecurities and he won't like it, and you won't like yourself for feeling insecure so ... why bother, kwim? If you already feel like you don't trust him, that is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 6:49am

I'm beginning to see red flags, but not from him, rather from you.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 7:09am

"The odd thing was when I mentioned this to him in my mail, he responded, but chose to not say ANything about HER. Hmmm. Wonder why. That's suspicious!"

So when he mentioned her to you in your phonecall, you didn't like it and basically let him know this so he changed track and focussed on you again. Then when you mentioned this again in email, he chose not to say anything about her and again, you didn't like it.
The poor man couldnt exactly win could he.

At this stage, before you even have a date, I dont think you need concern yourself with the fact he showed an interest in your friend. I did this when I first got together with my boyfriend. It wasnt because I fancied him but I was showing an interest in my boyfriend and what his friends were like hence the questions and interest. I know that my boyfriend finds my friend very attractive but that doesnt mean he fancies her as her personality doesnt suit him though she is also a very sweet girl. People can find others interesting and attractive without wanting it to lead anywhere. Its the whole package that counts, not just bits of it.

At this stage you dont know anything so go for the date, go out for dinner and get to know each other AND then decide whether you think he could be trustworthy or not. Dont judge him quite so quickly or you could miss out on a genuine guy. Also dont change your plans with your friend seeing as you had made them first. Its not wise to dump a mate as soon as a guy shows an interest. If he wants to go out with you, you can plan to do something else, he wont mind. He wont think much of you if you happily dump a mate for him.

Word or warning though, you are showing signs of being very possessive with your questioning his interest in your friend and offering her up to him. If you dont curb this now, it will get worse and you will drive him away (if anything was to become of you two).

Good luck and give him a chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:28am

Thank you everybody for your advise, views and insights.

I accept the fact that I can get insecure (without being assured by him, and when I start liking someone and if they keep me guessing), and am a very sensitive person. It's also true I don't really know much about him. We have had 2 fairly long phone conversations, and he has come across as a very communicative guy and "people-person". He was trying to crack jokes and make me laugh. But I don't know if he talks that way with every person (or girl) or was it just me. He has a ton of friends. Yes, you ask, how can he assure me, when he is not even with me yet? Yes, I agree. But I did feel the way I did. That feeling of "be careful. can you trust this guy?".

I agree, it is possible to get attracted, but not consider them as "dating material". But we still don't know, do we. Only his mind knows that. Yeah, it could also mean he was showing an interest in me and my life, by talking about my friend. Possible, in a way.

Just that it was my Instinct, that it wasn't right, and hence I reacted the way I did. I did surprise myself at the same time.

I agree at this early stage, I can't expect anything from him. But the fact of the matter is, he took an interest in me in my profile online and I did the same, and WE met and started our conversations with the intention of getting to know each other. He did not meet my friend. He met me. So it feels a bit odd that, he is already devoting talk-time to my Friends when he should be talking to me, and asking me questions, like the way I was doing to him. I mean, I am a completely new person to him. Isn't there so much to know about me? I cannot even Imagine, asking him in detail and complimenting one of HIS Male friends. That's plain insensitive, and not *right n proper*. It gives off very wrong signals. I bet if I start talking about one of his male friends, he will not be thinking very highly of me. I can Bet that.

Regd him being a possible touchy-feely person, I don't have that information yet. But that's a good point.

Yes, I will go out with him on this date, and try to get to know him better. I will keep an eye-out for suspicious behavior, and whether he is the game-playing sort.

I wish girls had some TESTS....that we could use on guys to determine what their character and real thoughts are like, so we don't have to go all the way, and then get our hearts broken, and then berate ourselves that how could we not see it coming...the red flags were everywhere.

I don't want to get my heart broken again. I have had enough tears over guys already.