commitment phobe!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
commitment phobe!
3
Fri, 08-23-2013 - 12:09pm

I recently started seeing a friend I've known for close to 20 years. We both just got out of long relationships about a year ago. He says he's crazy about me, loves being with me..but every time things start to progress, he freaks out, tells me he doesn't like me like that, and says all kinds of hurtful things to push me away. A few days later, he comes back around saying he misses me and things go back to normal until the next panic sets in. We haven't even gone on a real date because the word completely freaks him out. He says he runs because he starts getting attached, and he doesn't want to be. He's constantly mentioning me to his family and friends, always discussing it with them. Everyone knows he's nuts about me, but they also know how horrible his ex screwed him over, and that's why he's so afraid of being in a relationship.  I lay low and give him his space, I don't push, and he always comes back..but he's just so scared..I love him to death but I just don't know what else to do, any advice would be soo appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-23-2013 - 2:08pm

How long ago is recently?  Frankly I would tell him that his behavior is disrespectful to you esp considering your long friendship which pretty soon isn't going to be a friendship.  It's one thing to say that he's not emotionally ready to be in a relationship but there is no reason to say hurtful things to you.  If he has problems from being hurt in his last relationship, then what he should be doing is working on those problems until he is emotionally healthy & ready to be in a relationship, which he is obviously not.  I'd probably tell him to forget dating for now and come back when he's done some work on himself and until then you will just be friends.  And that if he starts treating you badly again, then you will not even be friends with him.  Just because he hasd problems doesn't mean that you have to be ok with him being a jerk and treating you badly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 08-24-2013 - 10:10am

I totally agree with Musiclover. You need to be your own best friend. You're not a toy that deserves being batted around by a cat. A man who runs hot and cold and is wishy washy is a waste of your precious time. He needs space? Give it to him in droves, but don't wait around for a man who isn't ready to be in a healthy relationship. It doesn't matter why he is like this. Women are by nature nurturing, but it's not in your best interest to accept whatever crumbs he's throwing you. Coddling him and letting him set the pace means that you your self esteem isn't what it should be, and that your needs don't matter.

Tell him you two are back to being friends, and that you'll only be with a man who is 100% confident that he wants to build a beautiful life with you. I'd also tell him that you two shouldn't communicate for a while so that you can have closure. If your plan is to have a future lifetime partner, then maybe you should sever all ties with your friend. Your future love won't appreciate you being friends with someone you once had sex with. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Sun, 08-25-2013 - 4:51am
Thank you so much both of you for the awesome replies, I really appreciate it. Before I even read this tonight I had already had a horrible argument with him. A few weeks ago I ha put a stop to any physical stuff between the 2 of us and tonight he was trying. So I basically told him if that was all he wanted from me, he could leave and never come back, and act like he doesn't know me. He told me to get out of the way, he as leaving. Of course he didn't and we argued. He said the usual things, that I mean nothing to him and if he ever said I did surely he must have been drunk. I'm heartbroken, I feel like I've lost my best friend, he won't reply to any texts I send, so I guess I'm walking away. I just don't know how I'm gonna avoid him. He lives down the street, I walk with his sister in laws every evening, and I'm supposed to be moving into a house just 2 doors down from him in a few months. This is just too much :(