commitment phoebic?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
commitment phoebic?!?!
8
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 11:26pm
So I think I should have been a man when it comes to relationships! I get with a really great guy, and yes ladies there really are some out there, make them fall in love with me, and then I split! I will find the littlest things that I don't like or can't stand, or I feel I'm being smothered, or some reason to get out of it! Like the guy that I am with now, I have been infatuated with for a couple years now, but now that I actually have him, I can barely stand to hear his voice or look at his face! It's absolutely terrible! I feel like this total heartbreaking bitch! I don't do it on purpose, I even try to make myself happy and look past these stupid things I find but it doesn't work! My longest relationship was 2rs. on and off...I got engaged and was really happy, but then things started to change. I was a senior in high school and this guy was 10 yrs. older then me which I started to realize wasn't really healthy, plus all the crap I got from my friends about it! So I left him, got with another really really great guy whom I absolutely regret leaving now, but can't do anything about it! I don't know how to go about this anymore! I feel terrible hurting the really good guys, breaking them down, and tearing them to shreds! I can't go on like this! I need some help!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:43am

This isn't something that will change without counseling. You need to get to the root of why you do this, and do the hard work of making changes in your behavior, if you want to get past this.

For starters, read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2002
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 11:31pm

I know what you are talking about. I feel like I do the same thing. I'm not sure if it is true because I've never had a relationship longer than 6 months. Unfortunately men seem to get attached to me and then I freak out and find something wrong or some reason to run. Sometimes there is a good reason, like one was manipulative and another was depressed. But then I wonder if I caused or brought out these things in them. Why do I seem to hurt every man I get involved with? I feel terrible every time, like I'm a manipulative heart-breaker. Is he really not for me, or am I being nit-picky and fearful? Am I causing this or have I just gotten in bad situations? I'm also afraid that my fear will prevent me from lasting long enough with one man to have much chance of getting married. I hope this is not true.

tweetyness

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:04am

It sounds like you want to deal with what you consider your issues in a serious way so why not consider some therapyto help sort things out. By the way, you are definitely not alone in having commitment issues!

,
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 9:40am

Please refrain from attacking other members. If you do not like a situation and have nothing constructive to say, then please don't say anything at all and let other members answer the post.


Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 10:43am
who's attacking who? i think that it is very constructive info. People really don't change. they may put up a front but in the end everybody stays the same. the point i was making is that people look for different things in a relationship. and most poeple want what they don't have. alot of people who have things that come to them too easily tend not to appreciate those things. it is just human nature. it is nobody's fault. so why try to change to someone your not. you can learn from things and adjust. but some people need more challanging relationships to feel better or to feel more alive. some people need to be treated the same as they would treat other people in a relationship. there is nothing really bad about that. they are challanges that add spice. maybe she needs someone like herself that will challange her more.
p.s. actually i think your attacking me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:44pm

I appreciate your opinion. My post was directed to ALL posters, not one in particular. And if you feel I am attacking you, I welcome you to report it.


Please let me know if you have any other questions.


Kerry

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 1:33pm
yeah right
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:20pm

I can understand your fears, I have similar reactions to men who treat me well. It makes me feel insane. But the main thing is to try and not hurt others, I have to do everything I can to express myself and try and let them know early when I'm feeling smothered and fearful. And get some counseling to understand oneself better so you can have a relationship down the road. Which I'm also doing -- and the book Sheri suggests, ...I'll be heading to Borders this afternoon.

I *really* don't want to hurt another person in that way. I've been hurt by men who are of the committmentphobic types themselves! I know the feelings from both sides and neither is a very pleasant side to be on. I don't have any advice other than to get help with this, be honest with the men you're dating about how you feel as you're feeling it so they can protect themselves in any way they need to.