The commitment talk-questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
The commitment talk-questions
5
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:38pm

I am confused about this now. (not in relation to this guy I like, but in general).

How do we "talk" about commitment? What exact words need to be used?
How can we talk in a way that gets the point across that we wanna be exclusive with them, yet not drive him away?

I feel certain keywords that we use like 'commitment', 'relationship', 'exclusivity' etc might set off alarm bells in the guy's mind if they are said too early or when they don't seem ready. Do these words have to be used? Are these words actually *welcomed* by guys....who are truly interested in the girl?

If he asks "what do you mean by "commitment to you/relationship", what can I say?
(maybe, it's not that they ask because they are ignorant, perhaps they ask just to see what we want from them).

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:46pm
You could just say "I'd like it if we didn't see other people, what do you think?" If that scares him off, then let him go. If someone can run from you that easily, why would you even want him?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:46pm

I've had that talk in varying degrees a handful of times in my life...sometimes it was initiated by the guy, sometimes by me...but none of the guys who were into me ever had a problem with it, even if I was the one initiating it.

A guy who is right for you isn't going to freak out or be scared off by that talk, even if you don't use the "right" words", because he's going to be on the same page and want the same things.

As for what you mean by commitment, that's up to each individual to define for themselves. To me, there are different levels of commitment--for example, a commitment to date exclusively and see if we are compatible is obivously very different from a commitment to spend our lives together. But both are "commitments".

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:48pm

P.S. Have a look at this post on the Answer Man board for a man's perspective on how to have "the talk":

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlanswerman&msg=11654.1

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:54pm

I started that talk with my boyfriend by telling him that I just wanted to make sure that we were both on the same page, just so that no one gets hurt. We had been dating for about 6 months at that time. We both agreed that we were pretty much on the same page with what we defined the relationship as at the time, and that we both wanted to take the next step. Then I asked him what he wanted out of the relationship. HE scared the crap out of ME when he said "Marriage" So I was like "I mean like in the next 6 months or so." But anyway, I didn't use the word "Exclusive" but I did use the word "Relationship." We were also petty straight up about defining what we wanted our relationship to be, such as we specifically said that we were not dating, seeing or having sex with any one other than eachother. We were also pretty straight up about specifying what we both want/need from another person in a relationship. I don't really think that you necessarily NEED to use those words if you are very specific and up front about how you want the relationship defined. I'm not really sure about how early is too early, but I feel that if a guy is also thinking in that direction then he shouldn't have a problem with thise words. I also don't think that there are any exact words to be used, as everyone's different, as long as you are CRYSTAL CLEAR about what you want and expect before you agree to anything. I say that if you aren't sure where he's at then ease into it by finding out how exactly he defines the relationship, and what he wants out of it. Hope this helps, and I look forward to reading everyone else's insights.

Kira

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 6:32pm

If you are interested in a guy, and he seems interested in you, and you are both compatible and happy to be together, a woman can ask about a man's committment to her. If he is not in the committment mood, he will tell you.

You will then be able to know whether to stay or go on looking for a guy who will be interested in a life-time committment.

good luck