Commitmentphobia...is it real?
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| Thu, 09-14-2006 - 11:30pm |
Going through a break up. Bought "He's Scared, She's Scared" as recommended reading (in reference to my particular break up). This books seems to hit the nail right on the head.
Is this a convenient phobia/theory?
What are your thoughts?
It really, really seems to accurately explain the relationship I was just dumped from. Me, being the passive player, and my BF being the active player (meaning, leaving when the going gets good...or gets real).
Anyone read this book? I just skipped to the end (last chapter: recovering froma CP relationship).
It's ridiculous how accurate it is...but am I gullible? Am I just reading what I want to believe? What if your CP picks another woman? Will he do the same to her as long as it's not "real?"
Discuss. Thanks.

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I believe it's real, but I also think it's wildly overdiagnosed. There's a chapter in there about looking at other aspects of the person's life to see if it's really commmitment issues or something else. Things like, does he have a stable job, housing, friends he's had his whole life, etc? If someone has commitment issues, they tend to permeate their entire lives, not just their love life. So if he has no problems making commitments in other areas of his life, then he probably doesn't have commitment issues.
Sheri
Yep, I've read the book and have mixed reviews on it. Overall, I think he's a great author with a lot of great points. But, that particular books seems to be a little bit of "something for everyone", kwim? I mean, almost anyone could find something in it that pertains to someone they know, someone they've been with or themselves!
Actually, I think Sheri's the one who hit the nail on the head ... in her explanation. Cut out the couple hundred other pages in the book ... and she's summed it up in one paragraph. :)
Honestly Bridget ... I don't think you're << recovering froma CP relationship>>. Why? Because you'd only been dating this man for a few months. No where near long enough to know if he's able or unable to commit or what, if any, issues he has in this regard. Nor was the relationship progressed enough to be at the committment stage.
If you look at it at face value (which is hard to do when its YOU and not someone else)... not to sound trite ... but, it's not quite appropriate (for lack of better words) to be focusing on possiblity of committment issues when you guys had only been exclusive for less than a week, kwim? Meaning, the relationship was not yet involved enough for this to be a true-blue issue.
<< It really, really seems to accurately explain the relationship I was just dumped from. >>
I know your looking for REASONS ... probably so that you can give yourself closure, in that if you have a reason that YOU understand, you'll be able to close the book on it and say "ok, I get it" and move on. But, in this case, with as new as your relationship was, I think the CP reason would be a BIG stretch.
So, instead of opening books and searching for reasons, you could choose to take HIS reason at face value, and close the book on this relationship. Give yourself closure by saying "you know self, I may never really understand HIS reasons ... but, since he didn't want to give the relationship a chance, I'm better off without him" ... and there you have it: closure. ;-)
Easier said than done, I know. But honestly ... I think we all know what it feels like to be grasping and searching for reasons. Put DOWN the books, don't try to figure him out ... just be good to yourself (as we know you can be!) and chalk it up to HIS lose, not yours.
Interesting.
My ex is living at home with his parents (and has been there for almost 2 years). He JUST got a new job because he was struggling in his other job (and I mean, he got a new job a little after we started dating), and wasn't happy with his career. He changed careers! I remember him even telling me that he thought he was a "sell out" b/c he gave up his other career. Hmmmmm. Hadn't thought about that until just now.
I swear....things are a little bit clearer now. Thanks, Sheri. This provides intriguing insight into his character (in the present time).
Seems like maybe he's having trouble commiting to anything right now....or at least is trying to figure out his direction in life.
<< Seems like maybe he's having trouble commiting to anything right now....or at least is trying to figure out his direction in life.>>
Again, honestly ... I think it's a stretch to diagnose him as CP because he's trying to figure out the direction in his life. A lot of people change careers, but that doens't mean that they cannot commit to anything.
Case in point << I remember him even telling me that he thought he was a "sell out" b/c he gave up his other career. Hmmmmm. Hadn't thought about that until just now.>>
Personally, I could say the very same thing about myself right now! And I'm 36. Pretty much beyond the "what do I want to do with my life" stage, kwim? I recently took a "job" because my career and my business took a turn due to market conditions. As a result, I've had a lot of self-doubt and feelings of "selling out" and having FAILED myself because after 5 years, it took a dive. But, in reality, I know it's not because I failed ... it was going strong for a long time ... but, I gave it up because it got TOO HARD (which is where the "selling out" feelings come in) ... but, things change and now Im figuring out what my next move is going to be as a result.
And, I'm not commitment-phobic. My career changing/re-evaluating doesn't mean I can't commit to anything. What I am doing though, is figuring out my next step. I don't know what's in store for me yet. But, in the meantime, I have a job that's paying my bills and I'll keep at that until I figure the "next step" out in terms of career.
So, when you say ...<< Seems like maybe he's having trouble commiting to anything right now....or at least is trying to figure out his direction in life.>>
Is it SMART to start something and commit to something when you don't know what direction your life is going?
Furthermore, I really don't think the words COMMIT or anything related to commitment are relevant to where you guys were in the relationship. It was too early.
Agreeing to be in a relationship is not the same as agreeing to be COMMITTED to a specfic person. If anything, I'd say the first year of any relationship is all about feeling things out ... in effort to find out if the person you are with is someone you can see yourself being committed to ... and therefore, committing to it before that time isn't exactly, well, it isn't smart.
But, I don't believe that exclusive and committed are the same thing, either. Which is a whole other topic. :)
Bridget, I think it's real, and I've read the book, but I agree with Sheri and with Starbuck. It's wildly over-diagnosed, and I also think that at certain points in our lives we have to be commitment phobes or we would never change. You can't stay committed to the same thing forver and still grow.
What the author says though is that there are tell-tale signs of someone who has this issue. In a relationship, they will draw you in quickly and the pace will be breakneck. They woo you and start saying the "L" word and making plans for the future very quickly. To me now a days, that is a *giant* red flag (almost bigger than admitting to being in jail) :--). They do believe what they are saying, so it isn't lying, but it is fantasy-based. Then they wake up and realize they can't provide what they've promised to you, so they distance, or dissapear all together. It's like they were living in a dream, but you were in reality and thinking this is the greatest thing you've ever found.
The other tell-tale sign is that even though you've broken up, they will reappear. My ex (why I've read all these books on CP)is still calling me two years after we broke up. He wants me, he doesn't...he does...he's got a girlfriend, but he can break up with her to be with me...who cares....I don't answer anymore.
Keep reading. I don't agree with Starbuck on that point. It's good to examine the hurt you just went through so you won't be sucked in again. But also realize there are a lot of great men out there who do want to make a commitment. You'll find one!
Chick
<< Keep reading. I don't agree with Starbuck on that point.>>
hehehe. I was kinda of making an analogy. ;-) That, in order to close the book on a relationship, you aren't going to find the reasons or answers to "why" by LITERALLY opening up the books. And that, in doing so (reading the books), sure ... it can be a nice distraction or attempt to find those answers, but ultimately ... the closure comes from within, not from any amount of reading.
The answers to the specifics of another person or their reasons are never going to be found in a book, kwim? Obviously, only that person knows how he/she really feels, what their reasons are, etc.
Believe me, I've read PLENTY of "the books" ... and find value in a lot of them. And while they do provide general insight and knowledge, the answers and reasons aren't in the books. Or in others. The answers are in us, always.
I haven't read the book, but I TOTALLY agree with Sheri that commitmentphobia is overly-diagnosed. It seems to be a convenient answer whenever a man bails out on a relationship. Actually, I agree with what Starbuck and Chickpea said, too. Hey, put all 3 of their comments together and you've got another great book on on relationship questions!
:-)
I really think a true commitmentphobic is close to being mentally ill. Because a person who has trouble maintaining connections to anything or anyone is a dysfunctional and extremely disturbing individual.
I believe I dated exactly one real commitmentphobe. This was a brief but VERY intense and memorable relationship for me, because my commitmentphobe was also extremely charming, sexual and dramatic... as so many sociopaths are! He was 40-something and never married. That, in itself, is not the mark of commitmentphobia. But in his case it was a good sign. He lived with his mother, even though he claimed the mother lived WITH HIM because he bought the house for her. (I never really believed this story, but we weren't together long enough for it to matter to me.) He had had a couple of longterm girlfriends, but those women went through hell to stay with him. That was their own fault that they hung around this sick man as long as they did. The guy didn't have real, male friends because he was just as unreliable and erratic with them as he was with women. He had a love-hate relationship with his young daughter, because while he was a fun and loving father when he was around, he also would often disappoint her. He did manage to hold onto the same government job for years, but that situation was volatile too, because his fear and loathing of responsibility and being depended upon kept him from being promoted. In short, he was an unholy mess of a person, and it was impossible to have ANY kind of ongoing relationship with him. He also kept "popping up" in my life long after we broke up, as someone else talked about in this post.
The main thing is your relationship is over now, and you are now free to find someone healthier. And because commitmentphobia is such a wide-reaching problem, I really don't think there are that many true commitmentphobes out there. In most cases, a man who runs away after establishing what seems to be a great relationship with you has simply changed his mind. It's usually that simple.
I think we simply can't accept that a man isn't interested in us (it hurts our egos and self-esteem) so we have to make all sorts of excuses for him. What we really don't want to accept is that he is capable of being a decent boyfriend to some other woman. We would rather that he is incapable of treating any woman well or behaving as a proper boyfriend should towards her so we feel less rejected.
I may be totally wrong, but I believe that there is no such thing as fear of committment -rather, there is a 'right' and 'wrong' person. If you are 'it' for someone they will commit to you. Simple as that.
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