Common complaints?
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Common complaints?
| Fri, 10-08-2004 - 8:15pm |
I am experiencing 3 issues with my boyfriend right now and it hurts so bad that I'm practically having an anxiety attack as we speak. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 30 and we've been together for a year now, and I've come to realize that some of the boundaries we had in common or views that we supposedly shared on very important issues have gradually changed in some of my boyfriend's actions. First of all, he works on computers for a living, and they truly are his life; he's on them EVERY free second, every day, all the time. I am not exaggerating here at all. I've always known him to spend a lot of time on his pc, but if I try to get him to cuddle with me and watch a movie or something to that effect he will unapprovingly sign off and then it's like he becomes obssessed with not being on the computer and he's grouchy and moody. To ease his "pain", he grabs his cell phone or pom pilot and then it is the same as him being on his pc, but now he's angry and irritated with me on top of it all. (His cell and pom pilot are set up in a way that they are both synchronized to his pc so all 3 devices are pretty much the same. It gets worse now; his primary purpose of being on the pc is to download/watch pornography. He has at least, I'd say, 200 pornos on his pc and continues to download more every day. Sometimes he's even downloading them when we have company over. Not to mention, he puts the porn on EVERY time we have sex, and sometimes even stops what we are doing to go turn it on or switch them. He also has a tv in his bathroom and one in his room that the pc is also hooked up to so that he can watch porn on the computer and tv in his room at the same time, or so he can watch it in the bathroom; and sometimes he can be in there for what some may see as too lengthy of a time. Sometimes when I come home from work or school I go to turn on the tv or something and he hasn't switched the cables back yet and the porn is on the tv. I find myself out somewhere and having a feeling of disgust come over me because I keep picturing him at home masturbating and it creeps me out. I know that masturbating is normal, it's just that he seems obssessive about sex and porn. At the beginning of our relationship he asked me about a month or two into it if "I'm ok with porn". I said "yeah, as long as it is in moderation." He was VERY quick to agree with me and then added, "definitely in moderation, it's not like this is an every day thing for me." It was that way for a while, and gradually, it became more frequent. Once it began bothering me a little bit I kept my mouth shut because I was sure that it wouldn't get out of hand and I felt that I did not have the right to tell him what he can and cannot watch. Plus, I'm not one to nag and complain all the time; I was afraid he would see me this way or as though I was attempting to control him. Also, I questioned whether or not my concerns were validated or if I was just having insecurity issues. As I type this, he is sitting next to me, this screen in his view, but he's naked with a porn on and completely oblivious of me. He's not masturbating or anything, but I feel so unimportant and disrepected. In his every day vocabulary, everything has some kind of sexual connotation to it. I.E. he calls his friends and when they answer, he jokingly says "what's up slut". He has begun referring to all women as bitches, if we have company over, he sometimes see's an attractive woman on tv and in front of everyone claims things such as, "damn, that bitch has a nice rack." He is an educated, smart, liked man!!! I get so embarrassed when he makes these remarks in front of people and especially when his friends make comments to me like, "well, you know he loves his porn." Not one day goes by that he doesn't end up in a conversation with SOMEONE about hookers, strippers, and strip clubs. I'm going crazy here. I tried talking to him about it to the point where I was in tears and he dismissed my feelings with rudeness, sarcasm, and complete unacceptance. We've spoken about it several times now, and right after these talks, he'll go like maybe one or two days without porn and then it's back on again every day. I am also suspicious that he may be acting out unfaithfully. He takes his phone and pom pilot into the bathroom with him and everywhere else he goes too. He answers the phone and sometimes walks outside or in the other room and is sometimes very "generalized" about topics when on the phone. 4 months ago he went out to a friend's house and I was home cleaning up his desk like normal and he had left his account logged on and open right there on the computer screen; it was about 3 of his millions of email accounts. I saw an email with a woman's name on it whom I've never met or heard of and I invaded his privacy by clicking on it and reading it; I know that was wrong, but not only was this my 21st Birthday!!!, the subject line of the email read: "how do the new titties look?". How could I not click on it!?! The rest of the email read: (from my boyfriend to her) "lunch sometime this week?", she replied: "when do you have time for lunch!?!" He replied: "You choose, MWF between 9:00am and 5:00pm. This just so happens to be my EXACT work schedule!!! I called him immediately (about 10:00am) and told him I read an email of his and he shouted things like "Get off my computer!", "Get out of my s**t, now!", "You nosy bitch!" I can't blame him for being furious with me over that, I did invade his privacy which was a big no-no, but when he got home he simply told me it was a joke between the two of them and that he used to work with this woman and that was that. This was back in June and I'm still wondering if that's really the truth. I admit that I began to be somewhat suspicious after that day, but now my suspicions have only grown more severe because of how secretive he has become about his phone, PDA, and PC. Last thing-he is currently laid-off right now, but he was previously employed through a friend of his that was his boss there before he got laid--off. This person is a woman, and a quite taudry one at that. He warned me about her ways, i.e. that she would try to hit on me, cheats on her husband, she even attempted to get my boyfriend and I to sleep with her at the same time!!! Needless to say, that never happened. so you can see that I never cared for this woman at all, especially as a close friend of my boyfriend's, but about a week after he got laid-off (by her)they got into a fight and had a huge falling out. My boyfriend spoke to me often about his uncertainty concerning whether or not to maintain his friendship with her. The last I had heard from him was that he decided not to continue his friendship with her. So about 3 months later (2 weeks ago) my boyfriend and I were sitting on his bed, talking, and he was on the computer. He has shown me emails from her before, I guess kind of as an aid to whatever conversation we were having about her at the moment. So we were sitting there talking and he goes into his email for just a second (secretively-turning his chair like he's getting something) and I see this email from her; the subject read: (from her) "Thanks for the photos....summer '04, nothing like summer '01 (suggestive smiley face).........
Coincidentally, we were talking about her at that exact moment, so when I saw it, I said to my boyfriend: "Oh look, you got an email from her, let's see what her crazy-ass is up to now." He replied to me with this: (and this is someone he claims to supposedly despise-to me anyway) "You know, this person sent this email to me, and maybe it wasn't intended for you to see..........can't you respect she and I's right to privacy?" I can understand where he is coming from, but come on. Things went downhill from here....he allegedly told me what the email said, after the fact, but then one of his friends brought up something about her (spilled the beans) to the effect that she is angry at my boyfriend for sending her suggestive text messages at 4 & 5 in the morning, and that he's trying to breakup her marriage. After that, I broke down and told him that I wanted to read his emails. Not any financial ones or anything, just ones from people. He said: "Go ahead, sit down and read them, but after you do.....it's over."
So I declined his offer and now I'm so confused and frustrated. Many other similar events have taken place and I don't know what to do. Am I blind, a bitch, what!?! Please help me.
Coincidentally, we were talking about her at that exact moment, so when I saw it, I said to my boyfriend: "Oh look, you got an email from her, let's see what her crazy-ass is up to now." He replied to me with this: (and this is someone he claims to supposedly despise-to me anyway) "You know, this person sent this email to me, and maybe it wasn't intended for you to see..........can't you respect she and I's right to privacy?" I can understand where he is coming from, but come on. Things went downhill from here....he allegedly told me what the email said, after the fact, but then one of his friends brought up something about her (spilled the beans) to the effect that she is angry at my boyfriend for sending her suggestive text messages at 4 & 5 in the morning, and that he's trying to breakup her marriage. After that, I broke down and told him that I wanted to read his emails. Not any financial ones or anything, just ones from people. He said: "Go ahead, sit down and read them, but after you do.....it's over."
So I declined his offer and now I'm so confused and frustrated. Many other similar events have taken place and I don't know what to do. Am I blind, a bitch, what!?! Please help me.
Going Crazy

People do what they do because they want to do it. If you read no further yo'd have the "fundamental why question" answered in full.
He views porn because he wants to. That much? Because he wants to. This secret email emotional affair? Because he wants to. Talking disrepsectfully to you specifically? Becuase he wants to.
Here's where you're losing your reasoning...you're going "but why does he wnat to do that"...and quite often you're going "and why does he want to do that TO ME?"
People do what they do because they want to do it. Thier values, priorities and standards in all situations justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values ina ll situations deteermine their character, conscience, integrity and honor.
Do you really know, and I hope you take this the right way, why you two got along so well at first?
Well, one reason is "infatuation". It's "your desire and attention for and to me make me feel so great about myself I can't get enough of you". Taht period lasts in any relationship about 3-9 months. It's a period where you're not objective because you're more "emotionally attached" in a very dependent to the feelings he/she inspires in me sort of way. Infatuation fades...as real life and responsibilities resume, as you get more interaction with this person...and if you're dealing wiht someone of character and value driven integrity - the "high heat" of passionate desire, burns at a slower ember of respect, admiration, desire, and acceptance of who you are as a person...not "how you make me feel about me".
A 29 year old man...getting with a 20 year old girl......that's the same as when I was 20 and with the 39 year old man. All that indicates in your situation - is that he lacks maturity, emotional stability, adult prioritization and self-awareness and goal focus. You two got along so well....becuase he was "talking to you like the 20 year old that you were"......as if he were 20 also - because from everything you're decribing - he's certainly not conducting himself by any set of standards that indicate he's mature, self-aware, self-accepting, self-disciplined, honestly communicative, goal focused, and responsiblity driven.
It's just you probably a very hazy view of what a boyfriend and relationship would be and bring and involve in your life...and now that you're involved in the more day ot day details of this liason - you're going "this is NOT what I want in my lifek this is NOT what I had in mind?"
Really seriously...when you were 16 and planning to have a boyfriend when you grew up, went to college, or left hom and got a job...did it include a man who switches the porn on the tv in the middle of having sex rather than making love to you? Did it include a guy who would probably go into a ballistic rage if you were doing waht he's doing - and he goes into a ballistic rage if you even question or ask about waht he's doing - despite it's impact on you?
Hon, I know you didn't envision this when you were 16 and thinnking "someday I'll have a partner in life".
You're in an abusive relationship. He's emotoinally abusive and manipulative. And you're trying to play nice and fair, you're trying to cut him slack, and give him space, and you're providing every rationaliation for his actions while they destroy you that you can find.
Dear, I've been you....and I implore you to ake note of something. YOu cannot rise above your lowest common standard. IT is easier to be late and make an excuse...than it is to be prepared nad on time.
It is easier to slack off and let someone else do the work...tht it is to get out there and do it yourself.
This guy is not a mature, emotionally balanced, goal oriented, successful, secure, happy, complete, independent, and self-ware person....he's lacks all those things...but YOU DON'T.
You're tryin to conduct yourself in accordance with your standards...while he does the same. Only your actions don't destroy him -they benefit him. And his actions destroy you - but by his standards that is no big deal.
Please, get out. Take note...you said it didn't start out this way - it's been a slow decline that only now after a year of looking back over it all, becuase of some incidents that you couldn't ignore or overlook - are you realizing how far "down" into the pit of abuse you've sunk with him, and how "crazy" your reasoning is getting because of it. Please, let out now. YOu're 21.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com