communication help please

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
communication help please
3
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 2:13pm
I really need some help and advice on the relationship I'm currently in. Sorry this is a little long, but here goes. Been dating a guy for 2 months or so.

Things have been going great. We've taken things fairly slow, no pressure on either ends to jump into sex, etc, which has given me the message that he was interested in getting to know me, and possibly start a relationship, and isn't just looking for a good time, etc. This past weekend, however, we did end up having sex, which was incredible, and I think it was just the right time.

Problem #1 - slap my hand, we didn't use protection, although I know he had some. I'm on the pill, but just wondering why he didn't grab a condom? Is that a sign that he just trusts me and is planning on a monogomous relationship? I know, I know, I could have said something too, I guess I was thinking that we've both been single for so long, and also that we were looking for something monogomous, maybe we just both assumed we were ok?

Problem #2 - we haven't talked about our feelings for eachother and where this might possibly be going. And now that this has happened, I feel we need to talk about this. Again, I'd like to assume (and I do believe) that I'm the only one he's dating, but I can't be sure if he hasn't told me. I'm not dating anyone else, but he hasn't asked me that either. I just think (mainly for health reasons)if we're going to continue to be intimate, I want and need to know if he's seeing anyone else.

Anyway, I'm really asking for help on how to start these conversations. I don't want to put pressure on him, but I definitely think we need to talk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 5:43am
kwhere...

WHEW! Pianoguy can't believe he's answering this one without benefit of coffee...but here goes.

Do you remember the movie "Tootsie"---where Dustin Hoffman dressed up as a woman? There's a portion of the movie where Hoffman is caught in his underwear by his g/f (played by Teri Garr)...and to avoid revealing his "other side" instantly falls into bed with "Sandy" (the girlfriend Teri portrays). After the after the two of 'em are finishing up in bed, Sandy's immediate comment is: "SEX CHANGES EVERYTHING!"

This is exactly what YOU are feeling right now!

You didn't plan on it, but it happened...protected or unprotected really isn't the issue (even though protection IS a definitive necessity). Assuming the pill is an effective contraceptive for you and there's no 'rugrat' in your future...would you please consider something?

Ask yourself if you could handle 'sudden rejection' if the man you did 'the nasty' with decided to just stop seeing you?

It doesn't take a sex therapist to tell you there's nothing more awkward, disappointing or uncomfortable for a woman...who has 'given herself to the man she loves' and is suddenly spurned by him! It's probably the worst form of betrayal. And whether you wish to believe it or not, you'll definitely get a 'good vibration' (or a bad one) from the man (you were with) within the next week!

Soooo...you might want to wait a little longer before you have THE TALK...since "his actions will definitely speak louder than his words!" But if you're wondering if the man is "a player"---don't go to bed with him!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 8:28am
Thanks for the response, you give good advice, so I was hoping to see one from you. I have talked to him since, and everything is still normal between us, so I don't think it has changed anything for him. But you're so right, that is exactly how I'm feeling - sex, to me did change everything! I care a lot about him, so all of a sudden I'm feeling insecure and praying I don't get burned. I really didn't think he was a player, especially since we did wait quite a while, but I still feared the possibility of rejection. Especially since he has not talked at all about anything going on between us. I don't know if he's just not the type to talk about his feelings or what. Really, the only thing I really want to know is if this is something exclusive. I'm not asking him to committ to an LTR, I just want to know that if we're going to continue to sleep together, I want it to be monogomous. I have no idea if guys typically sleep with more than one girl at a time, especially unprotected, I would think guys are just as concerned about STD's as women are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 9:35am
kwhere...

First...thanks for the nice compliment. While Pianoguy tries to be as honest as possible on these boards...there ARE a few ivillagers (men and women) who ask for an opinion, but don't necessarily want to hear certain responses. For close to 3 years (since I discovered the ivillage boards), it has always puzzled me why a person will ask for advice from total strangers...and then argue or deny something once an opinion has been given. Pianoguy sincerely appreciates the fact that you were willing to listen to his.

As for "sleeping with multiple partners"---both sexes have been known to 'intertwine themselves' with more than one person. But I think MOST OF US would prefer to have love, support and intimacy with one special individual.

Here's hoping your b/f is completely monogomous with you? :)

Pianoguy