Compatibility+no passion=no love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Compatibility+no passion=no love?
2
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 10:37am

Hi, I’ve just started dating this new guy a few weeks ago and we have so much in common that it’s almost like looking into a mirror. I would say that he’s the kind of guy I’ve been searching for a long time and is great relationship material. He’s reliable and makes me feel secure which is something I’ve been complaining for a long time that guys I date seem to lack. Even though we’re very compatible, I don’t feel passion for him and I’m not certain I could grow to love him as a result of that. I find him fairly attractive but he’s not the kind of guy I can’t control myself around. I’ve felt incredible passion for men who I was not as compatible with and with whom I didn’t have as much in common and it was usually because on top of the chemistry we had, there was also a strong physical attraction.

What makes me feel bad is that I keep thinking about my ex from the past summer who broke my heart and looking for ways to run into him as I’m dating this new guy. This ex left me just as I realized I was falling in love with him because I demanded some accountability from him. He was inconsiderate and unreliable but I still fantasize about him because the passion I felt for him was through the roof. Is this a sign that the current guy I’m with is not right for me or am I getting jitters because I’m heading toward a serious relationship and I want the option of remaining single? I can’t tell which it is. I’m 28 and I’m looking for a LTR leading to marriage at this point in time so I feel like I don’t want to mess this up with this new guy but if I continue to keep my options open, I will because it’s obvious to me that he’s really into me and isn’t dating anyone else. I sure would like some advice on what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 10:44am

lorlene...

PG doesn't want to pick on you....but....YOU are making the same mistake that many women make. "Making comparisons" between the EX and THE CURRENT B/F! It's a foolish habit many women engage in...and it'll usually cost them the relationship, and possibly, the friendship!

What women (and a few men) need to realize is that EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT. And it's not fair to expect the new partner to behave, respond or duplicate the feelings a previous partner might have exhibited.

So you might want to ask yourself this question:

"Do I want a man who is completely compatible with me in all departments EXCEPT PASSION?" Or "Should I keep him as a good friend, but seek out a partner who 'turns me on' a little more?"

To quote singer, Reba McIntyre: "IT'S YOUR CALL?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 1:00pm

Piano Guy is right. You have to decide if you want compatability (which is lasting). Or passion (which will fizzle and passion fizzles with EVERY couple). Personally, I'd rather have the compatability. Compatability is what makes relationships last. It helps relationships stand in the midst of trouble. It helps couples grow old together.

I think I know what the deal is for most people. When someone is unavailable, it makes them more attractive. When someone is "too available", it makes us value them less. Don't fall for the trap! I've seen too many women have a good guy get away, so they can spend their lives chasing creeps.

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