Competing with the dead wife
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Competing with the dead wife
| Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:39pm |
Three months ago I met this wonderful man, who is a widower with two children. I was not looking for anything serious at the time when we met, but we connected so well, so fast and easily. We have so many common interests and he fits the profile for everything I could ever hope for in a man/mate. He has told me that he loves me, that I am his puzzle piece and that when he saw his future he hoped I would still be in it. The catch? Well his wife died last September of Cancer. When I found this out I was a little caustious, but he assured me that he had worked through his grief process and I decided that he knew better than I whether he was done with it or not and went with the flow. Then a month into it (yes I know it went fast--a little too fast) his son was diagnosed with Cancer and he began distancing himself more. I didn't know where I fit in or what I was to do considering I had very deep feelings for him by this point. Then his five year old daughter really began to freak out about the two of us together, by being very rude to me and my children, being very clingy to her dad (which I totally understand is normal for what she has gone through) and has now started asking more questions about her mom's death and my boyfriend expressed to me, after some coaxing, that because of his daughter asking all these questions and feeling like I was taking her dad from her that it brought up some unresolved feelings with regard to the loss of his wife which would explain why he has seemed much more distant lately, hasn't really been able to look me in the eyes and has cancled plans at least three times and has been considerably late on a couple of occassions. I finally had a talk with him about stepping things back--go back to just going out on dates with the two of us, and waiting to reintroduce the kids until things settled which would give him time to help them and himself go through their grief process and for us to still enjoy each other's company. He admited that he does have very deep feelings for me and I can see it in his eyes, but he feels like he is cheating on his wife when he tells me he loves me. I can't imagine seeing anyone but him in my life and I am wondering what I got myself into. Should I cut ties with him all together in hopes that when he is ready he will search me out? Should I continue to see him knowing that it will be only on his terms or should I just get him out of my heart all together with no hope of ever seeing him again? And how do I deal with knowing he cares deeply for me, but will probably never love me as passionately as he loved his wife?

For future reference, it's important to remember that there is NO WAY that someone who is going through the grieving process is capable of knowing whether they are through it or not!!! It's simply not possible to be objective about yourself like that when you're going through it. I learned this the hard way when I went through my divorce...I thought I was *fine*, because I was the one who wanted it, etc. But only in 20/20 hindsight did I realize how not fine I really was. But you couldn't have told me that at the time!
Sheri
It's clear that the man you're in love with hasn't completely gotten over the memory of his deceased wife. Add the 'cancer possibility' with the son and the fact that the daughter is being very clingy...Pianoguy suggests the 2 of you just casually date...at least for now!
Should you want to 'bond' with his children and answer their questions...GREAT! But don't feel obligated to do so. But here's the most important part...NEVER attempt to measure the amount of love your man might have for you...in comparison to the amount he may have had for his late wife. You're trying to pre-determine feelings and this is VERY UNFAIR!
Making an assumption about the success of your new relationship is pushing the envelope a little...don't you think?
Pianoguy
Three months?? Are you kidding?? What about your children?? Bringing a new man into their lives too?? What are you doing?? I don't care about the two of you and whether your relationship will ever get off the ground...but its the children's welfare i'm concerned about, and so should you and especially, their father.
You dont bring children into a relationship period! No wonder that child is confused, hurt, and in pain. Not to mention confused. She will grow to resent you for trying to take her mother's place...with her, and with her father. Think about the children here! Keep the children out of it!..completely! until such time that you know that its become very serious.
Deborah
What bothers me more is that I thought this message board was to support and encourage those in need of a kind heart and your message was just an attempt at attacking something, and the people I care deeply about.