Competing with the dead wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Competing with the dead wife
4
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:39pm
Three months ago I met this wonderful man, who is a widower with two children. I was not looking for anything serious at the time when we met, but we connected so well, so fast and easily. We have so many common interests and he fits the profile for everything I could ever hope for in a man/mate. He has told me that he loves me, that I am his puzzle piece and that when he saw his future he hoped I would still be in it. The catch? Well his wife died last September of Cancer. When I found this out I was a little caustious, but he assured me that he had worked through his grief process and I decided that he knew better than I whether he was done with it or not and went with the flow. Then a month into it (yes I know it went fast--a little too fast) his son was diagnosed with Cancer and he began distancing himself more. I didn't know where I fit in or what I was to do considering I had very deep feelings for him by this point. Then his five year old daughter really began to freak out about the two of us together, by being very rude to me and my children, being very clingy to her dad (which I totally understand is normal for what she has gone through) and has now started asking more questions about her mom's death and my boyfriend expressed to me, after some coaxing, that because of his daughter asking all these questions and feeling like I was taking her dad from her that it brought up some unresolved feelings with regard to the loss of his wife which would explain why he has seemed much more distant lately, hasn't really been able to look me in the eyes and has cancled plans at least three times and has been considerably late on a couple of occassions. I finally had a talk with him about stepping things back--go back to just going out on dates with the two of us, and waiting to reintroduce the kids until things settled which would give him time to help them and himself go through their grief process and for us to still enjoy each other's company. He admited that he does have very deep feelings for me and I can see it in his eyes, but he feels like he is cheating on his wife when he tells me he loves me. I can't imagine seeing anyone but him in my life and I am wondering what I got myself into. Should I cut ties with him all together in hopes that when he is ready he will search me out? Should I continue to see him knowing that it will be only on his terms or should I just get him out of my heart all together with no hope of ever seeing him again? And how do I deal with knowing he cares deeply for me, but will probably never love me as passionately as he loved his wife?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:58pm
Yes, the best thing you can do is to cut off contact with the understanding that if/when he is ready to work on building a serious r'ship with you, he should contact you.

For future reference, it's important to remember that there is NO WAY that someone who is going through the grieving process is capable of knowing whether they are through it or not!!! It's simply not possible to be objective about yourself like that when you're going through it. I learned this the hard way when I went through my divorce...I thought I was *fine*, because I was the one who wanted it, etc. But only in 20/20 hindsight did I realize how not fine I really was. But you couldn't have told me that at the time!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:18pm
scorpiowoman29...

It's clear that the man you're in love with hasn't completely gotten over the memory of his deceased wife. Add the 'cancer possibility' with the son and the fact that the daughter is being very clingy...Pianoguy suggests the 2 of you just casually date...at least for now!

Should you want to 'bond' with his children and answer their questions...GREAT! But don't feel obligated to do so. But here's the most important part...NEVER attempt to measure the amount of love your man might have for you...in comparison to the amount he may have had for his late wife. You're trying to pre-determine feelings and this is VERY UNFAIR!

Making an assumption about the success of your new relationship is pushing the envelope a little...don't you think?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 10:12pm
This is a PERFECT example as to why experts say NOT to bring the children into a parents relationship until the relationship is serious.

Three months?? Are you kidding?? What about your children?? Bringing a new man into their lives too?? What are you doing?? I don't care about the two of you and whether your relationship will ever get off the ground...but its the children's welfare i'm concerned about, and so should you and especially, their father.

You dont bring children into a relationship period! No wonder that child is confused, hurt, and in pain. Not to mention confused. She will grow to resent you for trying to take her mother's place...with her, and with her father. Think about the children here! Keep the children out of it!..completely! until such time that you know that its become very serious.


Deborah

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 8:37pm
I wasn't even going to bother to respond to this posted message, but I can't just sit by and let such a hurtful message go un-responded to. It angers me that you even bothered to respond if you were going to be so cold! Yes, three months is a short time; however, he and I went out a lot prior to our introducing the kids and discussed it before we did. Sometimes it doesn't take an eternity to find someone perfect for you or to find something so deep and passionate. Yes, his daughter is freaking out--had he worked through his greif I would have stuck by both of his kids to help them with their greif. I love his kids and it breaks my heart to see her so upset and yes, I realize that me coming into the picture stirred up a lot emotions for her and my boyfriend and I were prepared to go with it and help her through it and I resent the fact that you blatently disregarded the whole purpose of the message. Yes the children are important, but so are the adults. If the adults aren't happy it will filter down to the children and the children will feel that stress and anxiety as well.

What bothers me more is that I thought this message board was to support and encourage those in need of a kind heart and your message was just an attempt at attacking something, and the people I care deeply about.