Completely Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Completely Confused
5
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 9:26pm
I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, At first everything seemed to be ok, we would say I love you to one another. Now keep in mind, he isn't the real touchy, cuddly, kind of guy and I am the complete opposite. I knew this, but thought if he knew I wouldn't cheat on him like some of his past relationships he would become more affection down the road, etc... but it still hasn't happened. We'd even have talks about marriage and maybe having a baby together down the road. ( Which he always brought up first )

You know the movie Jerry McGuire ? The scene where she comes out to the backyard and has that discussion with Jerry ( Tom Cruise ), "I have this great guy, and he really loves my son, and he sure does like me alot."

Well, I was talking along with her as she was saying it and a few other lines from that scene. My Boyfriend looks at me and says, " don't you dare think of leaving me".

There were a few other times, he'd say that to me as well. Which made me feel good, knowing that he didn't want to lose me.


After Christmas he seemed to change, he stopped telling me he loves me, and I only get any "real" attention/affection is when he wants "something".

We've had a few discussions on all this, and now a year later, I bring up the stop of the sayings of the love you's, and needing more affection, and I get this from him, "I can't say I don't love you, but I can't say I do Love you" and "Can I say your the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, ..No", but he knows He couldn't find another person who would put up with all of his crap and not give him the 3rd degree if he is out for a long time playing pool, etc etc. He also told me that he had thought of having me get my own place and still continuing the relationship. BUT I told him if I move out, The relationship would be completely over, because I'd always be worrying if he wasn't out trying to find someone else or going to some darn matchmakin website.

the funny thing is, he also said, he worries every time I go out myself, afraid I was out with someone else, or out trying to find someone else... So he acts like he doesn't want to lose me

There is a bit more to this, but it would end up being a novel, but my question is this,

It sounds to me like he is confused himself, So Should I wait for him to make up his mind on what he wants or Does he just want to end the relationship but doesn't know how to tell me without hurting me ??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 11:46am
Ummmm..this one is confusing even to me. No one (probably not even him) can really say what he is doing. As with any man--confusing or not--you must take him at his word when he says he may not love you or marry you, etc. I would get out of the relationship. In his own way he is telling you it's not going anywhere---yet confusing you by telling you not to leave? What is that? It kind of sounds like he is keeping you around (someone to put up with his crap??) while he wants to do what he wants on the side. Plus, he is not saying he loves you anymore and does not show affection? Do YOU really want a future with that?? Food for thought here. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 1:06pm
The first paragraph of your post says a lot especially when you said:

"Now keep in mind, he isn't the real touchy, cuddly, kind of guy and I am the complete opposite. I knew this, but thought if he knew I wouldn't cheat on him like some of his past relationships he would become more affection down the road, etc... but it still hasn't happened."

It sounds like you are hoping that you can influence a significant change in him so that he better fits your ideal man definition. Could this be the source of your confusion? I have to wonder if you still want that ideal man image, hoped he would change for you, yet he has remained fairly consistent for the entire year. I wonder if some resentment is building in you since he has not changed as you have hoped. If these statements are even somewhat true then I can understand the source of your confusion.

Bottom line is you can accept him for who and what he is without any resentment or reconsider the relationship so you can find a man similar to what you really want. Hoping or expecting him to change isn't much of an option.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 1:14pm
I keep telling that to myself all the time. I would really like to be with someone who hugs, steals kisses here and there ,etc.. Heck I'm 31, I should know what to do by now, I am really good at giving advice to others when I hear things like this. I thought maybe I was missing something that maybe someone else may see better then me, since I was the one who wasn't the outsider looking in this time.

Now, I just have to figure out how to get out, with my fixed income, ( bills, daughter, grocery, etc etc ) How to get enough money for a deposit and monthly rent and still be able to live. I have been savin a little here and there, but nothing that can really help me right now and my credit is so bad it's not even funny.



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 2:15pm
This is a confusing situation. I'm wondering.....................Do you feel like this guys is the "best you can do"? DON'T SETTLE. There are obviously things that you need in a relationship that your boyfriend can't (or won't) give you. I almost feel like he's playing mind games with you. Almost like he threatened you by saying "if you ever leave me or don't you ever leave me". This man have obvious insecurity issues. I know firsthand, I"m dealing with my own insecurity issues in my relationship. I'll tell you what my mother just said to me this morning.........."trust is a choice, you either trust him or you don't". You are both wondering if the other one is out with another person. You don't trust each other for whatever reason. Are there obvious reason that you don't trust him? Has he ever given you reasons not to trust him? TRUST IS A CHOICE. Also, it sounds like you need closeness and affection. If this is what you need and you've talked to him about it and he's still not giving it, can you deal with that? What really got me when I read your message is the part where he said "I can't say that I love you and I can't say that I don't". If it was me in this relationship I would get out. There is just to much confusion going on between the two of you and there are no conclusions coming from your conversations with him. He's not willing to open up and be honest with you. Take the initiative. If there's something going on with him and he's just not able or willing to verbalize, maybe you leaving will get him to open up, or the opposite, not say anything. I"m getting the feeling that you can't live like this much longer. It's not healthy for you. Put yourself first. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:05pm
A couple of things:
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