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| Sat, 05-13-2006 - 1:10am |
So a coworker from a previous job split up with his spouse almost 6 mos ago due to some serious drug-use problems. As a friend I've stepped into to try and help out (there is little family locally, and he is now caring for their young child on his own). I've flown solo for a good many years because I don't want to compromise my goals, but this person is someone who has qualities that might make me reconsider (I knew that a long time ago).
Despite my potential interest, I realise that he has just lost a spouse and a relationship.... it's a huge blow, one that takes time to fully recover from. It would be wrong for me to move things anywhere beyond friendship (plus I'm too timid), but I think there are possibilities. I think he might think the same thing. BUT I don't want my friend to jump into something that he isn't ready for and I'm not sure how good his judgement is in this right now.
In the event that he has "beyond friendship", or "physical comfort" in mind, when would it be ok to let him open that door? another 6 mos, a year?

rayne_koest...
Pianoguy suggests that you "gradually nurse this situation along" during the next 4 months.
You're either going to become closer to the man (and his child)...or you won't! Whether you do or not depends upon his ability to readjust. But knowing there's a concerned, compassionate lady (THAT'S YOU) who is ready to help him through the tough times along with the good ones might 'wake him up a little?'
Why not see how things have progressed by the end of Summer? I think that's adequate time for the 2 of you to become a serious couple...assuming you both want to be?
Good Luck!
Pianoguy
Hi Pianoguy,
Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it. The path you suggest is what I hope will happen.
I know everyone is different, but my concern is that he may act to move things along earlier than what he is ready for... and I don't want to be the short-term rebound girl. (Do guys have rebound relationships after the end of marriages??? - I have no idea). Anyhow I mean to be in the picture long-term, as a friend or more.
In the event he does move things beyond friendship sooner, how should I deal with it? What is a gentle way to express my concern, but not turn him away from me?
~ Thanks,
Rayne.
Hi Rayne!
Here are PG's answers to your 2 questions:
1. YES...some men have "rebound romances" after a marriage is terminated. Actually, some of those romances are in effect long before the ink on the divorce papers is dry! Never being "the other woman" (nor do I intend to be), I can only guess that a new g/f is willing to accept the terms connected with the fact that the man she's in love with ISN'T COMPLETELY FREE? Judging from what I've read on this (and other boards)...it's easy for some and difficult for others!
2. You have to set the pace of the friendship. If that's all you want...make it clear from the get-go that more time is necessary on your side in order to get to know him! He might call your fears foolish....but you know (better than anybody else) how quickly or slowly you wish to take things. If a partner has a problem accepting the pace, you're getting a "preview of coming attractions" when it comes to marriage or a FWB situation.
Hope this helps you...at least a little?
Pianoguy