Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Confused
16
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 5:22pm
Me and my boyfriend of almost 5 years broke up in May. We lived together for 3 years and had a wonderful relationship. We talked about marriage, and that we would someday get married. When we hit 4 years, I was wondering why we were not engaged yet and what he was waiting for. I guess he started questioning everything in his mind. A few months later we had a talk about anything I could change to make things better in our relationship, and I did everything I could to change things. After that talk, things were not the same, even though I had changed everything in my power. He became very distant and was not around very much, then it seemed like out of the blue one day he wanted to end it. I was devasted and could not understand. We really did have a great relationship. No cheating, very respectful of each other and loved each other. He is a great person and a very caring person. I still can't see myself with anyone else and it has been 7 months now. I miss him terribly, not to mention his family too. I still don't understand what really happened, why would someone give up such a great relationship? I think it has to do with our age when we started dating, 19 but 24 when we broke up. I really just don't know. I still feel sad and want to be with him, although we rarely talk. He seems to have an easier time trying to be friends with me, but it hurts everytime I see or talk to him. I just can't seem to get over him, he was wonderful and never treated me badly. How do you get over someone, when you love them still and want to be with them still? I feel that it would be so much easier to move on if he had treated me bad or cheated on me, but that was just not the case. This is so hard to understand. Thanks for any advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: italiangirl3
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 5:33pm

italiangirl3...

Pianoguy can only offer you the following suggestion:

"accept the fact that your 5-year relationship was just one chapter in your life!" You WILL have several more chapters...but there's nothing to be gained by lamenting over a romance that wasn't meant to be eternal.

Cheer up..and remember...you have a brand new year ahead of you. And that means...the possibility of a brand-new-man! In the meantime, I'm gonna send you a few hugs, okay???

Best wishes for a happier 2005!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
In reply to: italiangirl3
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 5:36pm

Maybe I'm mistaken but what changes did he make??? You said you made changes, but it's give and take in a relationship and if he said to you "xy and z" I don't like and you changed to please him then I can't agree that it was a "great" relationship, what about him, did he help to promote the relationship, head it in the right direction or was his contributions only to tell you what you need to change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: italiangirl3
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 6:57pm

Hi,

Ending a long term relationship is very hard and it will take a long time to heal. Talking to him does not seem to be helping you at all...so try to disconnect. I'm trying, just out of a four year relationship, it's hard but it may be what is necessary to really move on. As far as if he cheated on you or treated you bad....well both happened to me and I still unfortunately love him. So sometimes, no matter how absurd it sounds that does not make it easier. Just be grateful you're still young and have a lot ahead of you. Let go for yourself. Move forward. He is able to be friends, but you are not able to be friends....maybe one day many years from now....but keeping him around is keeping you from moving forward. So, let go and believe in better times!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: italiangirl3
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 2:34am
Hate to say this but maybe he wants to check what's "out there". You are still very young and alike you he is not ready to settle down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
In reply to: italiangirl3
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 3:14am
greetings italiangirl,
Bellina here-happy holidays! So sorry luv for your longterm relationship and your heartbreak.Well all I can say is your still so very young and probably beautiful inside and out with alot of wonderful qualities.I know all too well of this sad state of overwhelming sadness,feelings of betrayal in love that was vested in those years.Just
remember it will take time in mending a broken heart..as the Bee Gees song goes...but let
me love again.ladadada..so profoundly sung by Barry Gibb(my favorite of the Gibb brothers.
Anyway it's a new year coming and surround yourself with all the people you hold near and dear,good friends,family,pets,and pamper yourself.Perhaps take a nice trip,spa treatments,watch your favorite male moviestar flicks whos' pleasing to the eye,e.g. Coldmountain with Jude Law,Nicole Kidman,or Notting Hill,Hugh Grant,Sandra bullock,
old classics like Gone with the Wind Clark Gable,Vivien Lee,any old movie with Sean Connery,Paul Newman,Harrison Ford,George Clooney...and I could go on.Just to pick up your spirits..I guarantee time and distance will heal this pain..and being Italian myself,I wish you Tanti Auguri and Bono Natale(Best wishes and Merry Christmas..) Bellina Faire
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: italiangirl3
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 10:08am
I am 24 and live in a small town, which doesn't have many options for men. All of my friends are either married, have a long term boyfriend, or kids, so it is hard to find people to go out with. I do go to other towns, but I am just not interested in anyone I meet. I feel like I don't have the energy to even deal with another relationship, nor do I want to. I feel like I have kind of missed my chance to find a decent guy, and I also feel like I will never love anyone as much as I loved my ex. I sometimes still feel like we are together and that he is just gone on vacation or something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: italiangirl3
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 10:15am
Basically the only issues in our relationship were because of my own insecurities. I have a hard time trusting people, but that is a whole other issue, and one in which I have been working to resolve within myself. He never gave me any reason to not trust him, I think it was always a fear that he would find someone better and leave me, which he did end up doing the second part, but to my knowledge there was nobody else. So, it was things that I knew I had to change but our talk gave me the push to actually change, since I knew I had no other choice by this point. Although, after I did work very hard to change a lot of these insecurities, it was a little too late if you know what I mean.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: italiangirl3
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 2:31pm

italiangirl3...

Just to let you in on a little secret...Pianoguy lives in small town too. And would love the opportunity to listen to music, take a nice walk, catch a movie, or even play a round of two of SCRABBLE or MONOPOLY...and also share a glass of wine with a lovely lady like yourself on this chilly winter afternoon.

No strings attached...expect for having the pleasure of your company! Too bad we're not closer in proximity, isn't it?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: italiangirl3
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 11:07am
It would be nice to have someone to actually converse with, and spend some time with an actual person. I only speak to my little yorkie, which is a very one sided conversation!!! He is a bit spoiled, so he keeps my attention for the majority of my nights.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: italiangirl3
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 11:56am

italiangirl3...

Sounds like you and I have something in common....except for the fact that my companion is an almost 12-year old border collie! Wimpy has seen so many life situations that (if she could hold a pen in her paw) SHE COULD WRITE A BEST-SELLER!

It's amazing how much our pets can sense about us....especially when we're feeling a little down?

Pianoguy

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