confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
confused
2
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:47am
Hello!

I was wondering if someone could help me with my dilemma.

The guy that I am dating now (it's been like 6weeks) is sweet, charming, smart and we have a lot of fun together. Unfortunately I had sex with him after our 4th date. We have sex a couple times since then. Now he never calls without me calling him first, and I see him less and less. Before we had sex he send me cards and flowers and called out of the blue.

Also, with the last guy I dated we had sex early in the relationship. Eventally that was all we were doing. We stopped going on dates and just meeting at his place to have sex. It ended eventually. I wanted more than that.

I guess I have this idea that if I say no to having sex the guy will go away. I mean I don't have a problem with sex, but I think I want to know a guy is gonna stick around before we do it. Because if the relationship becomes just about sex then I feel crappy. I want more than that. Sex is not all that important to me. How do I communicate that without freaking the guy out?

And moreover, the next time I see my new guy (if I see him) how to I let him know that I don't want to continue to have sex for a while- that I want to find if we can have a real long term relationship together. Because it seems to me that once you have sex, you always have to :/ And I don't know how to do otherwise.

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: jessmarie022
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:59am
you said "I guess I have this idea that if I say no to having sex the guy will go away."

But arent you finding out the exact opposite is true? I think all you can do is state that you want to put a hold on sex until you get to know each other better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: jessmarie022
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:03pm
I never have sex before I've been dating the person at least three months, there is exclusivity and potential for marriage - I have only had sex with one man who hadn't told me he loved me before we had sex and that was somewhat of a mistake. I have no issue with a man freaking out if I tell him my values and standards - better that he should run the other way when I say no and explain why - that way I know he was focused on sex as opposed to something long term. I have never regretted that decision, ever. I also refuse to pursue a man in the beginning - I will return his calls promptly and show appreciation and enthusiasm but he has to do most of the pursuing. After dating for a month or two I am not against asking a man out or initiating a phone call, but I will never be the one doing most of the pursuing - it needs to be fairly balanced usually with him doing more of the calling/asking than me.


All the men that I slept with (five in total, three proposed marriage) focused on me as a person, and I to them - it never became all about sex.

So, it's all up to you - I do not prioritize having sex over being committed, nor do I prioritize having a man in my life over sticking to my values and boundaries. What about you?