Confused about a friendship

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Confused about a friendship
22
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 3:52pm
I have a complicated situation and don't know how to proceed. I met a guy last year - he was my personal trainer at the gym. We hit it off and became friends. There was some flirting and I became interested. For awhile I thought he was interested, but he said he just wanted to be platonic friends.He called and came over occasionally, but we never dated. Six months later he moved away and we stayed in touch by e-mail. I was afraid the friendship would end. I got clingy and needy and saw negative connotations in every e-mail he sent. I had very high expectations and he constantly failed to meet them, and I took it as signs of rejection. A couple of times I told him I didn't want to be friends anymore, but we kept writing to each other. I felt him pulling away more and more. Then he told me he had a girlfriend. A couple of months later he stopped writing all together. Three months later he moved back to the town I live in (and his girlfriend lives here too). He didn't tell me he moved back, I found out from someone else. I waited to hear from him for 6 weeks, then e-mailed him and asked why he stopped all communication with me. He said it was because he thought I was mad at him about something that happened. I thought we were going to patch things up -- we wrote back and forth a couple of times. But I haven't heard from him in over a month.

My question has to do with whether or not I should e-mail him and just ask how he's doing. Part of me says the relationship is over and there are too many hurt feelings so it's better to just walk away. Part of me says I need to wait until he misses me and initiates contact. Part of me realizes that he may not want to talk to me or be friends with me anymore because I was such a demanding bitch while he was away. I also told him I didn't trust him anymore. I would like to see if we can become friends again, in essence start over. But I'm afraid he has shut the door on me and I'm afraid to be rejected one more time. Any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 11:32am
I may be off base here but to me, it seems that the major problem is that you wanted more than a friendship and he doesn't.

And now a question for you--why do you really want to contact him? I get the feeling that you'd like to try to see if there's possibility for more, not to just remain friends with him... If it's only for friendship then go ahead and contact him. But if you're hoping for more, I would wait until you can accept just a friendship.

Hope this helps...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 2:23pm
I know that when he was here (last year) I thought my feelings for him were romantic, esp. because of the flirting. But over time I have realized that the friendship we had seemed like it was moving in the direction of becoming best friends. And that's really what I wanted. I wanted us to be able to count on each other for anything, and be able to talk to each other about anything and everything and know that we would be accepted by the other. But I also wanted his companionship and looked forward to seeing him every day. After he left, I was afraid that he would forget about me and I would lose the one person I really felt a connection with. Things went downhill from there and he pulled away bit by bit. When he came back and I e-mailed him, he indicated he still wanted to be friends, but asked why I didn't trust him. I responded and haven't heard from him since. What I miss is the "best friend". Admittedly, I want his companionship and I want things to go back to the way they were when he was here. I'm afraid that too much damage has occurred and he won't let me back into his life on that level. In his last e-mail he made a comment that implied he no longer trusted me. So the situation is no longer "can I let go of the hurt feelings and trust him again"? It's "can we trust each other again?" I'm afraid he may not be willing to trust me in the way he once did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:04pm
There's only one way to know--call him and ask if he got your email. Tell him that you miss his friendship and you'd like to know if the two of you could get together and talk things through. Then tell him what you told us--that you're sorry for being possessive and mistrustful. You have absolutely nothing to lose by calling him, do you? So just do it and see what comes of it. Hope for the best but expect nothing.

Good luck. Keep us updated!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:11pm
What are the "trust" issues that you are referring to?

I think that throughout all your correspondence with him, you have certain expectations about him and the "friendship." You were disappointed because he failed to meet them, and when he started to pull away the *more* you wanted him in your life in some capacity(just guessing....maybe because he does NOT know what it is you really want, and even if he did, for whatever reason, in his own mind, maybe he could not meet them to satisfy your expectations, and therefore does not feel worthy enough to be keeping in touch with you. Because whatever he would do or not do, say or not say, you will take as a personal affront to you; that you will never be satisfied. That's pretty high-maintenance in my opinion).

What now? Well, if you truly are friends you will be happy for him...with or without a new girlfriend... as he pursues his life. Yes, ideally, it would be nice if you could be "best friends" in your perception of it but you cannot *make* someone to be what they are not...or *make* a situation to be what you want it to be, if the other person does not share the same intensity or motivation in making it (being best friends, in your definition) happen.

Relationships, including friendships, go in flux but somehow are able to work themselves out, depending on the circumstances and the individuals involved. Sometimes, too, they just run their course, and people eventually grow apart and move on.

There is/was something about him that seems to fill a "need" you have in your life. I am not a trained psychologist or anything but I think you are holding on to that to make you feel whole and happy. You're afraid that you won't if you truly lose him and everything else that he represents for you. Ask yourself if *he* is truly the issue here or some unresolved personal issues that you have not yet quite addressed. (insecurities? abandonment? rejection?)



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:17pm
I'm terrified of doing that. During the 7 months he was gone, we spent an inordinant amount of time talking about our relationship. It surprised me that he was actually willing to do it, since guys usually bolt when the girl wants to talk about feelings (and he is not what you call a "feelings" kind of guy). But we had many discussions, including the one about me having romantic feelings for him. Even then he didn't walk away. It wasn't until he started seeing someone that he stopped communicating with me. I thought about sending him an e-mail apologizing for my past behavior, but then we would just get into another long discussion. At this point, I'm tired of talking about my feelings and he probably is too. I'm also afraid to see him face to face because I'm afraid that either my guard will be up and I won't be able to look him in the eye, or we'll connect again but won't see each other after that because of the girlfriend, and I'll have to deal with the feelings of loss all over again. Part of me wants to see him again, but I am deathly afraid to because I'm still hurting. Maybe I can work up to it though.

Thanks for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:38pm
I would definitely read what carmelsf wrote as well. It was definitely on the mark.

As for you not calling, that's fine. But just realize that you're wasting time worrying and thinking about it if you're not going to either let it go or do something about it... Don't weight yourself down in indecision because that's where stagnation usually occurs. And being stagnant does nothing for you.

Good luck!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:43pm
I agree with you totally. The trust issues had to do with things he would say at one point, but later say something different, so I got the impression he was deceiving me or lying about things to get a reaction from me. Whether or not that's true, I don't know, it was just a gut feeling that something didn't ring true. There were other things- too complicated to go into here, but mainly related to thinking I was being deceived for some reason.

As to him filling a need -- yes, that is very true. For several years before meeting him, I had closed myself off emotionally from everyone, and I gained a lot of weight. Then I joined the gym (where I met him) because I was sick of living that way. We hit it off right away, and I felt comfortable with him. He was friendly and affectionate. He called me, came over from time to time, he wanted to spend time with me --- and it made me feel good for the first time in a very long time. I craved the companionship. When he moved away, that all came to a screeching halt. I was alone again, but I also felt lonely. For so many years before that, I had been alone, and I preferred it that way. I was closed off emotionally. But now I had opened my heart a little and let someone in, so to lose that really hurt. I know part of the reason I want to reach out to him again is because of my loneliness and he's the only person I know that I feel comfortable with. But I also know that because I feel that way, it puts a huge burden on him. And that does make me high maintenance. I realize that I have had huge expectations of him to behave the way I think he should if he cared about me. That's been at the core of most of our discussions about our relationship, although I just recently realized that. And I also realized that it's been the same in all my previous relationships with men - whether platonic or dating. I start out friendly and easy to get along with, then somewhere along the line I start expecting things from them and they don't measure up. So my evil twin comes out and I get overly sensitve, take everything personally, get mad about everything, and surprise surprise --- they walk away. It's just now, because I am thinking about my relationship with this guy that I see the pattern. That's one reason why I want to contact him --- to see if I can rectify things by changing and being more considerate towards him and taking him at face value instead of expecting him to be what I want. I'm just afraid it may be too late from his perspective.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:46pm
That's so true. I thought that I would get over him with time. But I still think about him every day. I'll definitely do something about it this week. The worst case scenario would be that I would e-mail him and get no response. If that happens then I know that the door has been shut between us, and I'll have to let it go. But at least I will know that I tried to make amends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:50pm
I wouldn't email... that's the easy way out. His email could be down, he could be using a different account, etc. There's just too many variables. CALL him. Look I'll give it to you straight--he's not in your life right now as is. The worse that can happen when you call him is he hangs up on you and he's still not in your life. Ok, that's something you're already dealing with. So there's nothing to lose.

But don't take the back door by emailing him. Just call him and see what's up. Let us know what happens!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:56pm
It's good that you are starting to realize your pattern. BUT, I am afraid that your incentive to change is for the wrong reasons...doing it for him (so he would reconsider you and your friendship) rather than for *yourself.* This is very self-defeating, and in the end, will hurt you more.

A sincere and nonjudgmental suggestion for you to consider....seek professional counseling to help you untangle these patterns and emotional responses.

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