Confused about a friendship

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Confused about a friendship
22
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 3:52pm
I have a complicated situation and don't know how to proceed. I met a guy last year - he was my personal trainer at the gym. We hit it off and became friends. There was some flirting and I became interested. For awhile I thought he was interested, but he said he just wanted to be platonic friends.He called and came over occasionally, but we never dated. Six months later he moved away and we stayed in touch by e-mail. I was afraid the friendship would end. I got clingy and needy and saw negative connotations in every e-mail he sent. I had very high expectations and he constantly failed to meet them, and I took it as signs of rejection. A couple of times I told him I didn't want to be friends anymore, but we kept writing to each other. I felt him pulling away more and more. Then he told me he had a girlfriend. A couple of months later he stopped writing all together. Three months later he moved back to the town I live in (and his girlfriend lives here too). He didn't tell me he moved back, I found out from someone else. I waited to hear from him for 6 weeks, then e-mailed him and asked why he stopped all communication with me. He said it was because he thought I was mad at him about something that happened. I thought we were going to patch things up -- we wrote back and forth a couple of times. But I haven't heard from him in over a month.

My question has to do with whether or not I should e-mail him and just ask how he's doing. Part of me says the relationship is over and there are too many hurt feelings so it's better to just walk away. Part of me says I need to wait until he misses me and initiates contact. Part of me realizes that he may not want to talk to me or be friends with me anymore because I was such a demanding bitch while he was away. I also told him I didn't trust him anymore. I would like to see if we can become friends again, in essence start over. But I'm afraid he has shut the door on me and I'm afraid to be rejected one more time. Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 4:22pm
I don't think I am trying to change FOR him. I think the situation with him has gotten me to look at my destructive patterns with all men, including him. And because I don't want to lose him as a friend, I am willing to take risks to change my behavior. I definitely want to change my destructive behavior with men because I want relationships with men again -- romantic and platonic. When I was overweight, I used that as my excuse for men not giving me attention. Then I read comments on another message board where overweight women had boyfriends and husbands. What a wake-up call that was. My overweight wasn't the reason why no one wanted to get to know me, so what else could it be? I started looking inside myself for the answers. Over the past 15 months I have done a lot of soul searching and personal growth, as well as losing 50 lbs. I've gained a lot of confidence, although it may not seem like it because of what I've said about this particular situation. It's just that 15 months ago I was completely shut off from my feelings and very angry. Now the pendulum has swung to the other side and I'm focused on old wounds and negative emotions, and analyzing why I do the things I do. Thankfully the pendulum is swinging back the other way somewhat so I can be more objective about a lot of things.

As to a comment you made in a previous post about him being afraid he can't make me happy no matter what he does, is right on target. My last e-mail to him included a comment about something that he "failed" to do -- in my mind. He is someone who shows he cares about people by doing things for them --- favors, helping them out anyway he can. Right after he came back to town I asked him to do something important for me, and he did. But I expected him to do something beyond that, which he didn't. In my e-mail I commented on how I knew he no longer cared because he didn't go the extra mile. I could see how that would hurt him and he would think that no matter what he did, I wouldn't be satisfied. I didn't hear from him after that. I didn't mean to be malicious by bringing it up to him, but now that I see my destructive behavior, I know that it was wrong and hurtful to do it.I can now take responsibility for the problems in our relationship. And I'll admit that I have been nothing more than a demanding bitch to him for a long time.I just hope I have the chance to make it up to him somehow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 4:37pm
Oh my God, you're killing me! My stomach is doing flip flops just thinking about calling him. I guess you're right. When I first e-mailed him after he came back to town, I asked him why he stopped communicating with me 3 months earlier. He said it was because he thought I was mad at him about something. I e-mailed back and I also called him and left a message on his voice mail saying I wanted to talk about it. I gave him the option of calling or e-mailing, whichever he preferred. But I also said I would like to actually talk to him instead of getting an e-mail. Of course he e-mailed. There is so much that doesn't come across in e-mails - voice inflections, the ability to ask for clarification, that you get with a phone call. So I would like to get away from the e-mails and have a more personal conversation with him. It's just hard. I get tongue-tied. And right now, he seems like a stranger in many ways. But I'll try. The problem is I'm gone until late on Monday and Tuesday nights. If I call his cell during the day and leave a voice mail saying I just wanted to see how he was doing, he'll call back when I'm gone and leave a message, saying he's fine,which will end it. So if I want to actually talk to him, I'll have to call tonight or Wednesday. I don't know if I can get up the courage to call tonight. But I'll think about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 7:51pm
Do what you think and feel you must, and part of that is accepting responsibility of the consequences--for better or for worse.

You are anguishing too much over this, in my opinion. If you truly want to know, ask him -- talk, discuss, resolve (if at all), if that helps you, but I think his behavior and attitude already say a lot. Just be ready, because the outcome may not be the one you would hope to happen. And when that is indeed the case, would *you* be able to let go?

The tone of your post reminds me of a book (fiction) I just finished reading for my book club: "Good in Bed" by Jennifer Weiner. This is not so much about sex as much as how the main character came to a place within herself of letting go and self acceptance.







iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 8:27pm
Thanks for your input. At this point, I think I do want to know where I stand even if it means it's over, rather than continuing to wonder, and continuing to wait to hear from him. I'll let you know how it works out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:55pm
Just wanted to let you guys know that I called him Sunday night - got his voice mail and left a message. He called me back. After playing phone tag for the last few days we finally talked tonight. It was great -- we talked for about 45 minutes. He had to go, and ended the call by saying he wanted to continue the conversation tomorrow. I didn't actually apologize, like I planned to. I decided to go with the flow and see what the tone of the call was like. Since we were getting along so well, I didn't want to dampen things by getting serious. I'll bring it up maybe tomorrow when we talk. This was the best conversation we've had in a year.Telling me to call him instead of e-mailing was the best advice I've ever gotten. I'm so glad I did --- it made all the difference in the world. Thank-you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 5:04pm
Yay! :) But don't go skipping out on what you need to do... :) Let us know what happens...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 12:04am
I talked to him on the phone last Wednesday. He said he would call me on Thursday. I haven't heard from him since (over a week). I never got to apologize. At this point I don't expect to hear from him again. So I don't really know what to do at this point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 12:59am
Well you have two choices... let it go or follow-up. If you are treating him like a friend, then I see nothing wrong with calling and saying 'hey I was just checking up with you since I haven't heard from you in awhile..." and go from there.

Stop stressing over this... Just treat him like a friend or let him go. Staying in limbo will only hurt you.

Good luck. :) And keep us updated...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 6:38pm
Here's what I see through all of these posts... he had a friendship and you had a relationship... they are two entirely different things... it happens all of the time... one person feels more than the other one does.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 7:07pm
Sounds like alot of drama has gone down, and there's alot more damage than foundation. I suggest that you focus on viewing this as a learning experience. I'll bet if you think about it and are REAL honest with yourself, you'll find that you owe yourself an apology for the way you have dealt with this mentally and emotionally.

If you do that, I'll bet that eventually you will have some clarity when you think about your friendship with this man.

As for him, my guess is that he really doesn't want to hear any apologies. Guys are kind of basic that way.