Confused about a friendship
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Confused about a friendship
| Sat, 04-17-2004 - 3:52pm |
I have a complicated situation and don't know how to proceed. I met a guy last year - he was my personal trainer at the gym. We hit it off and became friends. There was some flirting and I became interested. For awhile I thought he was interested, but he said he just wanted to be platonic friends.He called and came over occasionally, but we never dated. Six months later he moved away and we stayed in touch by e-mail. I was afraid the friendship would end. I got clingy and needy and saw negative connotations in every e-mail he sent. I had very high expectations and he constantly failed to meet them, and I took it as signs of rejection. A couple of times I told him I didn't want to be friends anymore, but we kept writing to each other. I felt him pulling away more and more. Then he told me he had a girlfriend. A couple of months later he stopped writing all together. Three months later he moved back to the town I live in (and his girlfriend lives here too). He didn't tell me he moved back, I found out from someone else. I waited to hear from him for 6 weeks, then e-mailed him and asked why he stopped all communication with me. He said it was because he thought I was mad at him about something that happened. I thought we were going to patch things up -- we wrote back and forth a couple of times. But I haven't heard from him in over a month.
My question has to do with whether or not I should e-mail him and just ask how he's doing. Part of me says the relationship is over and there are too many hurt feelings so it's better to just walk away. Part of me says I need to wait until he misses me and initiates contact. Part of me realizes that he may not want to talk to me or be friends with me anymore because I was such a demanding bitch while he was away. I also told him I didn't trust him anymore. I would like to see if we can become friends again, in essence start over. But I'm afraid he has shut the door on me and I'm afraid to be rejected one more time. Any suggestions?
My question has to do with whether or not I should e-mail him and just ask how he's doing. Part of me says the relationship is over and there are too many hurt feelings so it's better to just walk away. Part of me says I need to wait until he misses me and initiates contact. Part of me realizes that he may not want to talk to me or be friends with me anymore because I was such a demanding bitch while he was away. I also told him I didn't trust him anymore. I would like to see if we can become friends again, in essence start over. But I'm afraid he has shut the door on me and I'm afraid to be rejected one more time. Any suggestions?

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As to a comment you made in a previous post about him being afraid he can't make me happy no matter what he does, is right on target. My last e-mail to him included a comment about something that he "failed" to do -- in my mind. He is someone who shows he cares about people by doing things for them --- favors, helping them out anyway he can. Right after he came back to town I asked him to do something important for me, and he did. But I expected him to do something beyond that, which he didn't. In my e-mail I commented on how I knew he no longer cared because he didn't go the extra mile. I could see how that would hurt him and he would think that no matter what he did, I wouldn't be satisfied. I didn't hear from him after that. I didn't mean to be malicious by bringing it up to him, but now that I see my destructive behavior, I know that it was wrong and hurtful to do it.I can now take responsibility for the problems in our relationship. And I'll admit that I have been nothing more than a demanding bitch to him for a long time.I just hope I have the chance to make it up to him somehow.
You are anguishing too much over this, in my opinion. If you truly want to know, ask him -- talk, discuss, resolve (if at all), if that helps you, but I think his behavior and attitude already say a lot. Just be ready, because the outcome may not be the one you would hope to happen. And when that is indeed the case, would *you* be able to let go?
The tone of your post reminds me of a book (fiction) I just finished reading for my book club: "Good in Bed" by Jennifer Weiner. This is not so much about sex as much as how the main character came to a place within herself of letting go and self acceptance.
Stop stressing over this... Just treat him like a friend or let him go. Staying in limbo will only hurt you.
Good luck. :) And keep us updated...
If you do that, I'll bet that eventually you will have some clarity when you think about your friendship with this man.
As for him, my guess is that he really doesn't want to hear any apologies. Guys are kind of basic that way.
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