confused about widower!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2013
confused about widower!
Tue, 10-29-2013 - 2:27pm

So a guy I go to church with, who I hadn't talked to until about a month ago, lost his wife almost a year ago. I had sent him a message one day talking about his son and we had talked since. The third day we were talking he asked what I was doing and I told him I was shopping and he just sjowed up to say hi. Tuen a few days later after church we were at the sameresturant for lunch (small town) and after I left he told me he was going to nuy me a birthday ice cream sunday but I left too fast. He told a mutual friend that he "liked" me but now things seem different. Yes we have messed around a bit. I stayed over at his house (only cuddled)  he seems to have been into me and now I'm confused. he hardly tezts back and our conversations are different now. He told me before he was ready to date but now he's not sure? Did he just lose interest or is the upcoming anniversay of his wifes death holding him back? If I don't text him will he contact me? Help please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 10-29-2013 - 4:05pm

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Sometimes it's hard to understand what's going on in the mind of someone of the opposite gender. In cases like this, you don't need to know what's going on. You only need to know that he's not putting in the effort to move your relationship forward. It's frustrating to not know why, but if you asked him, he'd probably lie (because he's saving your feelings or doesn't want to share the reason because he barely knows you.)

Stop putting effort into him by trying to communicate with him. If he starts persuing you again, then you have the right to ask him what's going on in his head to protect yourself. Ask him why he's running hot and cold, because your feelings are at stake. If he doesn't persue you again, let him go. God has someone else in store for you. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Tue, 10-29-2013 - 5:07pm
He is not ready. Especially with the first anniversary coming up, he is most likely dealing with the loss a new. He wants to be ready. If he had a good marriage, he is lonely, and misses the companionship. But he is still greiving and still working on letting her go. Know this, and only proceed if u are sure u can handle helping him get thru it... knowing it may not ever develop into anything. I say this bse I was that widower a little over 2 years ago... tried to date 8mnths after her passing, ended up with a person that was jealous of a dead woman. Dont be that. Be aware of the reality that you are getting into. It takes time. Its been 3 yrs and still deal with the loss at times....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Tue, 10-29-2013 - 11:27pm

well, i can  understand why a new woman is going to be jealous with a dead woman. That's b/c the man is still not over the dead wife. If he constantly talks about how great she was and how he misses her, compare the new woman to her, etc...then he's not ready to focus on a new love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Thu, 10-31-2013 - 4:10am

 Did he just lose interest or is the upcoming anniversay of his wifes death holding him back?


Hi. Unfortunately, either could apply. After a month or so, he could have seen you're just not right for him--or he found he wasn't as ready to date as he thought. People need different amounts of time to get over loss. Feelings of guilt or shock complicate matters. How the wife died and their relationship before her death are crucial variables. Conversely, plenty of men have no inhibition dating when they still have a living wife!!! Without being inside his mind or being his best friend, I can't give a definitive answer about what he's thinking.

If I don't text him will he contact me? Help please!

I would just lay low now. If after a little time, you want to send a text to say hi, that's fine. Pushing things won't help though. What you want from him can only come from within him.