Confused And Need Some Advice.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Confused And Need Some Advice.....
2
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 8:59pm
I've been with my current boyfriend for 7 months. Before we got together we were friends for 5 yrs we moved in together after seeing each other on the weekends and me spending a week at a time with him as he lived about and hour and a half away. We seem to get along pretty good we have our share of arguements but what couple doesn't. When we first got together I found it very hard to believe because I have liked him and wanted to be with him since I was 16 but he was never interested. He had just ended a relationship of almost 3 yrs with his ex girlfriend who also lived with him and was very upset. When they broke up he started showing interest in me and we eventually got together. Before I moved in he told me that he didn't care if I worked while we lived together and sh@t. Then when I finally did move in he sang a different tune that I had to be working and if I wasn't then i'd have to move which made me think he's only with me for the money. So i've been working since moving in with him. Recently in January I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks along it was unplanned and at times my boyfriend would tell me that it wasn't his or that I should have an amniocentesis done to prove the baby would have been his. We would argue quite a bit of him telling me that if we weren't together he would get full custody and take he child from me and just stupid sh@t that would come out of his mouth and really upset me and stress me out. I'm sure that that didn't help and could have helped in causing the miscarriage. After the miscarriage he said we could try again in a couple of months cause my doc said I had to wait at least 3 months to give my body time to heal. Now it seems like he's not that interested because the one week he was willing to sleep with me and we got along great then it went to absolutly nothing he would show no interest in me. No kissing, not wanting to have sex ect. Finally after a few days of my being bitchy I asked him why were not having sex and he said that he cant sleep with me and when I asked him why not he told me that he cant get me pregnant. I was pretty upset and told him that if he's just stringing my along and telling me that we will try for a baby in a couple of months and then when the time comes say your not interested then dont bother cause obviously were weren't meant to be together. He said that's not the sitution he just want's us to save and have a certain amount set aside and for us to have our gr. 12 before we start trying again. Well I just got my income tax back and he talked me into giving it to him cause he now thinks that the money I make and that he gets from his Disability Cheque should be combined as our money so fine I gave it to him thinking that it would be saved instead the next day he went and took 400 out of his savings (only leaving 100 in it) plus my money that I gave him and bought a tv and a bunch of other stuff for himself. Which means were further away for the baby savings. A lot of time when we are watching tv or lying in bed we can be hard and whatever and after a while of him lying there like that and me showing interest in him he's roll over and go to sleep or get up and go to the bathroom and then come back and watch tv or have a smoke or whatever. He'll do anything that doesn't involve us having sex or anything like that. I really do not understand he's only 23 and we barly have sex and there's times were he's totally capable and doesn't want to. Like the one day he woke up and woke me up and pushed my hand down there because he was all hard after a while he said he had to get up and that was it nothing. Does it sound like this is just a relationship of convience for him were I give him money and that he doesn't really care about me? Does it sound like maybe he doesn't want to have a baby and is just saying that he does? And in a guys opion why would you think he acts the way he does about the sex issue?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:24am
Not to point out the obvious, but you should not be trying to have a baby with this man. You should view your miscarriage as a blessing (albeit in disguise) and move on. You both have a lot of growing up to do before you should even consider children. Why would you knowingly bring a child into a turbulent and destitute situation? That's completely selfish and you should be asking yourself why you are trying to have a baby at all at this point in your life.

That notwithstanding, yes he's taking money from you. Yes, it does sound like a relationship of convenience. No, he doesn't want to have a baby with you. And any number of things could be killing the sex drive. Stop wasting your time on this loser and work on you.

Good luck to you,

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 12:53pm
I don't know what his problem is, but your problem is why haven't you left yet? Seems to me like he's selfish, childish and just plain unemotional. He doesn't want to have a baby. I don't know him, but from what you told us, it seems like he just said that you'd try again after the miscarriage to pacify you. It was his way of helping you deal with it. And spending YOUR money on HIS things?! I don't think so! That's not the way it works. You shouldn't be busting your butt at work just to have him spend it on things that you aren't aware of and that you don't want. Get out while you still can. You'll be sorry if you have a baby with him. If he can't even give you enough attention, how is he going to tend to your child?