confused and really needing help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
confused and really needing help...
5
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 1:53pm

I've been dating this guy for a month.  We both agreed to take things very slow, and everything has been wonderful, up until this point.  One night he asked how I knew 2 mutual friends, when I told them I had dated them, he freaked out.  We argued for a little while, but he ultimately realized he shouldn't judge me on my past.  The next night he said he mainly got upset bcuz we had also talked about how he can't have children, and it got him thinking about his life.  Now he is saying he's not sure if we can be together bcuz he's been very sick and is worried something is seriously wrong, if so, he doesn't want to put me through that. He can't even promise me that we are going to keep our date this week bcuz it all depends on what the doctor says. So basically, if the doctor gives him horrible news, he may decide to not be with me.  It feels like he's already given up on us, he's not as sweet an romantic during our conversations, which are few and far between.  I feel like he's already slipping through my fingers and I just don't know what to do.  Is he just making excuses to get rid of me rather than just say his feelings have changed? I've asked him over and over how he feels about me and he says he adores me, but I just don't know what to think of all this. I'm terrified and need some advice....

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 4:37pm

Wow, this is a lot of drama for taking things slow for a month.

So everything was fine until you told him about these two guys? And he knew he couldn't have children prior to meeting you? And is this thing he's going to the doctor about related to the infertility issue? If he knew about all of this, why is he dating?  Also, if you hadn't told him about these guys, would he still be saying he might not be able to continue your relationship? 

I can understand him being a little jealous of past lovers, especially if they are still in the picture--but I assume there's nothing fishy going on with them? It's one thing if you see these guys out at parties or a bar once in a while, another thing if you're meeting them for dinners and emailing all the time. I'm not judging here, I'm just pointing out that for people who don't become friends with their ex's, it might be a little hard to take. You might even feel the same if he had ex-girlfriends that he still saw regularly--but maybe not. I think it's very individual.

I don't know your ages, but he has to know that any woman he goes out will have a past. And if he's this fragile about his health/fertility, he may wish to sit it out for a while and/or seek some counseling. Honestly, I think all you can do is let him know you'd like to continue the relationship, then I think it's up to him. I wouldn't ask him over and over again or pursue him.

It's good to know all of this now instead of two years from now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 11:50pm

i am def not still friends with them, they may randomly say hi on facebook every 6 months, but thats it..lol..but yea, I'm trying to be cool about it...he says he's not really bothered by the guy thing anymore, he's just extremely stressed out.  The doctor is for a different issue, and he is 40 and I'm 31...so yea, I'm just waiting it out. We've talked since and it seems we are taking a break but everything will remain almost the same, but without the pressures of it being called a relationship? we even agreed not to see other people.. I dunno, men are just confusing and make no sense at all..lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2011
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 1:55pm

Hi Chica!

This seems like a tough situation. I feel like he is pushing you away because of the medical scare he is going through. The problem with that is, no matter how much you try and be there for him, if he doesn't want to take the help and the sympathy then there is not much more you can do. 

I think he needs to process this big piece of news on his own. I know it doesn't feel good that things are starting to fade but to me it feels like you have tried your best. I'm not saying give up 100% but maybe give him space. He needs to figure things out and wrap his head around everything. 

When men get stressed they usually tend to cut the ties because they think that becomes the problem (which obviously WE know that solves nothings). But like I said, give him some space, let him process, and then re-evaluate with him when he knows what the doctors has diagnosed. 

Chin up! There is a solution!

xoxo

Amy!

twitter: amylaurentmatch
facebook: amylaurentmatchmaker 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Fri, 12-21-2012 - 12:16am

thank u very much for the encouragement, it helps alot! He did get some good results a few days ago, but still doesn;t know what's wrong.  Things are still up and down, one day he's all about me, the next not so much. Today feels like a not so much day, and I don't think I'll hear from him before bed like I usually do.  I dont know what else to do but just stop texting him, maybe it will make him realize something, or make him miss me, I don't know..it's hard for me to stay postitive when I keep getting bad feelings about the situation, and now i'm starting to think he's talking to someone else maybe for just the simple fact that I'm stressed and paranoid :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010
Tue, 12-25-2012 - 9:03pm

Wow just be careful if you ask me.