Confused by his mixed signals...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Confused by his mixed signals...
4
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:55pm
I recently been engaging in chat via email, IM and phone calls with a soldier from Iraq. I typically have rules when dating online. I like to meet them as quickly as possible to see if there is a potential match. I also go into the date realistically. Knowing that sometimes...despite how good we both are..there simply is not the attraction.

However due to the fact that he is in Iraq..I broke my rules. We have been chatting for about 1 month. About two weeks ago he felt he loved me. I would tell him he was crazy...you can't fall in love with someone without meeting them. He is in the desert and that is what is causing this profound sense of feeling. His rebuttle (sp) was that he loves what he knows of me. I reminded him that I don't like to set myself up. I want to make sure that I know the person before I will let my feelings go. There was indeed a profound attraction from my end developed through email and phone conversations.

He came home on Monday morning. We went out this past evening. Okay I was blown away. He was sweet, and handsome, very respectful.

We had dinner. Then he took me to a park and showed me his favorite country music songs. I don't listen to country so it was different. I then asked him how he felt now that we met in person? He joked and teased...by asking me why...do I not like him? I said I wanted to get serious. I definitely felt a connection but is he did not, I didn't want to waste our time. He has been sooo passionate about me prior..I couldn't resist but want to ask.

He said that this is how he felt and dedicated a Kenny Chesney song about "you had my heart at hello!". He sang it straight to me. I thought it was extremely romantic. I was so touched I kissed him. He kissed me back. Nothing passionate..but sweet.

Then we went back to where I met him at the restaraunt. I had to pick my children up from their father's house and it was a little late. He asked me if I wanted to see him again. I asked him if he was crazy..of course I do. He then told me to drive safe...he buckeled me into my car and kissed me good night. He then asked me to be sure to call him when I got home.

My take on this...He didn't feel the connection. He would be serious about how he felt in person. Also, when I did call him when I got home...although late, he didn't answer. I feel that if a guy is into you...he would of fallen asleep with his phone and woken up for you call. Just my take....based on my past experiences of guys being into me.

I know I was attractive. I turned every head in that restaurant. I am everything I presented myself to be online and on the phone...so I just have to ask...What happened here? Again, I have been in situations when it just wasn't there...and can respect that...But it was there for me. Why was it not there for him? How can he be so crazy about me that he would get up at 4:30 am every morning in Iraq just to call me? And then when he has the real thing...let it go?

Ps. He did call me this morning. He told me he was sorry he missed my call. He had a great time last night..he was thinking about me, and missed me. He then emailed me at work and reiterated that he had a great time. However I remain confused to the the fact that he did not end his phone call or email with and "I love you" as he had been for the past few weeks.

Jodie

 

http://tickers.ticke

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 1:04pm
Look - you two don't know one another as individuals. And he's definitely in no position to assess at this moment "whether he wants a relationship, or what type of partner he wnats in one." Where he's been - he's going to re-evaluate and assess his priorities - at a minimum.

There is no "connection". There is attraction.

Feelings aren't facts, goals, or calls to action. they're a result of your perception of self, your goals, your needs - in light of a particular situation at hand.

All this "nonsense" - if he really 'felt' the connection he'd have stayed up or woken up when I called -that's ridiculous.

You're a nice, attractive woman...he enjoyed the evening -h e's not looking to make a commitment, he's probably willing to take whatever benefits or offers you make provided there's no obligation....he sounds like he wants to get to know you better - but he knows that's going to take a year or so before he relaly knows you as a person - vs. "how he feels in situations when you're around'.

If you've just GOT to have something more permanent than that - you need to find someone a little more dysfunctional and insecure. Who'll jump on the thought of commitment immediately because with the word commitment they have the association of "upgrade to my options, lifestyle, more convenient, and of benfit to me". They're not going "can I meet her needs or help her with her goals" - but someone seeking immediate commitment usually has plenty of things that they believe the situation of a relationship will offer or bring to them that they want/need....and so whoever wants to get "committed" and become responsible for all that need and want being met - they're all about it.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 1:32pm
You are absolutely correct. I firmly beleive everything you stated. I didn't go into this wanting the "I love you's" until I knew they were sincere and reciprocated. And you can not find sincerety nor love until you spend time with one another. I just all of the sudden felt insecure when there was the absence. And attributed the absence of him not being interested. There is no love there, I already no that...However there is potential based on his character and his persona. And my hope is that he at least feels the same way at this point.

Thanks for your advice.

Jodie

 

http://tickers.ticke

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 4:04pm
I think the date went fine!! I think you are waaaaaaaay overanalyzing everything. It does look like he is very into you :) The reason he didnt answer your call could have been many things, he could have been using the restroom for all you know..LOL. Just let things evolve naturally, I think so far they are. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 4:42pm

But why would you think that someone that utters those phrases without knowing you as a person, etc. would be someone with the 'potential" to get to know you as a person.

As a rule - if you're looking for external and superficial ease, comfort, convenience, benefit, affirmation and indication of something - you'll start early and quick saying "I love you" - introducing you to relatives, etc. etc.

But if that phrase really means something of value - you won't go slinging it around trying to 'get attention or benefits".

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com