confused... kinda long.

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Registered: 01-05-2006
confused... kinda long.
9
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 3:13am
My ex and I have stayed close after a long term relationship (resulting in a pretty rough break-up about three months ago. I guess I should explain some of the details of the break-up before I ask my question.
We waited to sleep together until about nine months into our relationship because neither of us wanted to make a mistake, have a child, etc. Well, I ended up getting pregnant anyway, but wasn't sure and didn't tell him. He'd started to "fall out of love" with me, and I finally broke the news... I was only about a month or so into the pregnancy. We broke up anyway, but remained friends. He found someone new, and when I was about two and a half months along, I miscarried.
It's now three months later and he's close to the end of his new relationship. He calls me and we talk until the wee hours, like we used to, he comes by occasionally, I see him at church (yes, I know, but I never said we were perfect, did I? :-) ), etc.
He has told a mutual friend (who knows I still have very strong feelings for him) that he wanted to be friends with me, but didn't want to think about anything farther in the future.
Honestly, I know his flaws, I know his shortcomings, and I still care about him very deeply. I want him to be healthy, successful, and happy in life. I don't want to push a relationship on him or make him feel pressured to make me happy. We were good together, and I feel like if we got the timing right we could be really great.
Does anyone have any ideas of how he and I can get past our emotionally loaded past and have a good relationship later in the future? I'd love to hear some advice and ideas on what I can do to try and get him back. I really miss him, to the point of depression at times, and I know he's been hurting lately because of this girl. (She's used him and basically just treated him like crap... going so far as to tell him he couldn't come back to a Christmas party at one point because she wanted to be alone with other guys that were there.) I want to try to make him feel better as well. I've been here for him and he knows he can talk to me and vent whenever he likes.
Oh, and I also have a slight feeling that he may be attracted to that mutual friend of ours. She's very pretty, curvy, and has an amazing personality... but she's also pretty taken with someone and not interested in him.
So any ideas?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:13pm
I feel for your situation. I hate to be a wet blanket, so to speak, but I think your history with this guy is pretty iffy. People who truly love don't just "fall out of love". That's a big character flaw in my opinion. It sounds like he abandoned you when you needed him most. I'm sure you want to get back some of what he's taken from you; I know I would. Unfortunately, it just sounds to me that this guy either uses or gets used himself. You're the nicest one in this situation, it sounds like, so he runs to you for comfort. However, his lack of character is going to show-up starkly against your kind, consistent behavior and he's not going to like the comparison. So if you did get into a relationship with him again, my guess is that he'd be trying to one-up you. As it is, it sounds like he's contented with just treating you like less than an equal. I really do feel for you, but my advice is to forget this guy. You can do much, much better imho. If you're like I have been, making someone else happy would make you happy, too. Unfortunately, some people don't want true happiness and just want to flit about. I'm almost certain you're not going to like what I've written but try to think if there are any reasons why you might not want an intimate relationship where there's mutual respect. I've found, based on experience, that it's much easier to go through my pain by myself than to involve someone else, unless it's a counselor. Best.
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Registered: 01-05-2006
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:53pm
Thank you. I've also had other people tell me that I need to give up on him, because he won't change. He's since apologize for all the stuff that happened last time (I know, I know). It just seems like no one wants to care about the person that he can be, and when he tries, he's amazing. And I just have a feeling, as soon as I give up, he'll come back and I'll be stuck again. He has great timing like that... And as much as I'd love to move on, there's no one here that's interested in me... the good ones are taken and the bad ones know better than to bother me. I guess my heart just doesn't want to give up on him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 2:12pm
His timing could be categorized as the old cat and mouse game. He chases when you are interested. Then the second you show the slightest bit of interest, he's no longer interested. And it goes without saying, the moment you NEED him (when you were pregnant) he makes himself scarce. I've dated a guy on and off when I was younger. He really liked me, but I had a bf. When my bf and I broke up, he chased me still, but I was getting over my ex. Then, finally, I'm ready to start dating again and the chaser was still calling me. So I told Mr. Chaser I was finally ready to date and he said, "oh so NOW you want to date? After I've been waiting all this time!" So I went on with my life and he started chasing me again and I succumbed. This time, he stuck around, but didn't treat me good at all. He took me for granted, was very cheap and wasn't accomodating at all. One time he had people over. They ordered pizza. I worked late, so by the time I got there all the pizza was gone and there was not even a snack. He wouldn't accompany me in my car to get a snack or more pizza, because he didn't want to leave his friends. He lived on the outskirts of a bad neighborhood, so I didn't want to go to town alone. So I left. To make a long story short, he chased me again until I finally gave in, then pulled another of his notorious stunts and the pattern continued for about 4 years. I haven't been with him since 1997, and he still calls my mother asking her where I live and for my phone number.

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Registered: 01-05-2006
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 3:25pm
Wow... the worst thing between my ex and me is that his mother hates me... she's never liked me. But he defied her and dated me anyway... and when we broke up she bought him a truck... she also got mad at him once for not breaking up with me. There's a girl at church his mom wants him to date, but he's not attracted to her enough to want to be with her.
As for the miscarriage, I'm still hurting over it, and it's been hard to get over but even when we weren't together he been there for me to talk to and cry on. He was relieved (so was I, as I'm not ready for a child yet) but he was also supportive of me. We have an interesting relationship now... talking a lot, seeing each other occasionally, etc., but apparently his romantic feelings aren't as strong as they once were.
I know I shouldn't still want something but I seem to keep repeating history by wanting to be with him. We just work well togther, get mad and forgive each other quickly, get along well... part of me feels it would work but I know that he wants to get out and "have fun" with other people before he settles into another long term relationship with anyone. I think he's got those wild oats to sow, so to speak.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 5:58pm

I can understand the way you're feeling. I wish I had something to say that would help. Noone really knows what he could be, I guess; he probably doesn't either. My only thought about this is that maybe he's repeating history. Maybe his dad walked out on him and his mom or something. I don't know, just a hypothetical situation. Since you talk with him you probably have some idea of what his "issues" might be. A lot of times when people have something in their past that they haven't resolved, they're doomed repeat it in present and future relationships. I'm not saying to harp on him about it or anything, but maybe providing him with insight into his behavior would be a help. It seems like it's so much easier to see someone else's situation objectively than one's own.

You may be right about this guy. He may be a keeper. However, right now he's not settling down and I think it would be wise for you to protect your own heart. You can still care for him, but as a friend. I prayed for people that I had strong feelings for. It was just easier to leave it in God's capable hands than to try to figure things out for myself. Best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 6:40pm
He is adopted. We've spoken about his birth parents... his biological dad drank himself to death and his biological mother is in jail for drugs. He's gotten mixed up in these a bit and I'm helping him to get away from it, as I don't want him suffering their fates. His adoptive dad has hit him as "punishment" and I can remember a few years ago when we were on the phone his dad chasing him with a belt for no reason. Also, his mother is constantly yelling, being hateful, in a bad mood, etc. She got better after we broke up, when things were rocky between us, and has gotten worse since we've gotten closer again as usual.
And, just for the record, I, by no means, am against spanking a child when it is deserved, but hitting with a cain and throwing things at someone is extreme. My father was abusive and occasionally his dad shows the same traits.
He does have a bit of a spoiled brat complex at times, but around me he knows better than to show that side, as I grew up in a relatively poor family.
Anyway, I believe he may be manic depressive (I am, and I'm on medication, but it doesn't always work) but if he's not then he definately suffers from at least occasional depression.
He's had a hard time, especially lately with this other girl, and before that with our problems. And, I believe that his imperfections stem from the problems he's dealt with and from his biological parents' history. I want to continue to be there for him. But I'd love it if things were different between us, the way they used to be.
And I think he'll miss me and want to come back, I don't think I was horrible to him, although during part of our relationship I was suffering from fairly severe depression (a tree practically destroyed my home, my mother and I were living with my sister and brother-in-law who argue frequently, etc).
Anyway... that's a little history for both of us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 1:50pm
This guy has a lot of sorting out to do. But you can't let him drag you down with him. He seems to run away from his problems instead of dealing with all that emotional hurt he's carrying around. He doesn't realize this, but he is taking some of that hurt out on you. Sure he's not hitting you and verbally bashing you, but his going AWOL when you needed him, shows a passive - aggressive side. It seems that his mama rewards him when he breaks up with you and punishes him when you're together. If you stay with him, you will have to put up with a lot of crap from him trying to please his mother.
-The truck breaks and he wants a new one, so he could separate from you in order to get a new one.
-Need money? "Ma, I broke up with blackflame, and BTW I need some cash for my utility bills".
Do you see what I mean? A pattern has already started with him and his mother and the entire thing is not healthy. But he needs to work these things out, on his own. You won't be able to help him along. He has to do it himself.

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Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 2:02pm
I think your ex enjoys being your friend and talking to you, but he hasn't said anything about wanting a relationship with you. I'd believe him when he says he just wants to be friends. I'd strongly recommend not contacting him so that you can move on. I'd be more worried about your own best interests rather than making this guy who doesn't want a relationship with you happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 2:16pm
Granted, he likes the truck, but he's not asking her for things. Occasional gas money, but gas prices are still pretty high here.
He even called me today to tell me that the DMV was closed because he knew I needed to run an errand there...
I know I'm defending him, and it's because I love him. I want us to be friends, or more, and I want us to keep talking. I've gotten better about being able to talk to him... I used to not be able to without it tearing me apart. Now, we can talk and I'm ok. I'm getting over the breakup, but not over him.
It's confusing.