confused... kinda long.
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confused... kinda long.
| Thu, 01-05-2006 - 3:13am |
My ex and I have stayed close after a long term relationship (resulting in a pretty rough break-up about three months ago. I guess I should explain some of the details of the break-up before I ask my question.
We waited to sleep together until about nine months into our relationship because neither of us wanted to make a mistake, have a child, etc. Well, I ended up getting pregnant anyway, but wasn't sure and didn't tell him. He'd started to "fall out of love" with me, and I finally broke the news... I was only about a month or so into the pregnancy. We broke up anyway, but remained friends. He found someone new, and when I was about two and a half months along, I miscarried.
It's now three months later and he's close to the end of his new relationship. He calls me and we talk until the wee hours, like we used to, he comes by occasionally, I see him at church (yes, I know, but I never said we were perfect, did I? :-) ), etc.
He has told a mutual friend (who knows I still have very strong feelings for him) that he wanted to be friends with me, but didn't want to think about anything farther in the future.
Honestly, I know his flaws, I know his shortcomings, and I still care about him very deeply. I want him to be healthy, successful, and happy in life. I don't want to push a relationship on him or make him feel pressured to make me happy. We were good together, and I feel like if we got the timing right we could be really great.
Does anyone have any ideas of how he and I can get past our emotionally loaded past and have a good relationship later in the future? I'd love to hear some advice and ideas on what I can do to try and get him back. I really miss him, to the point of depression at times, and I know he's been hurting lately because of this girl. (She's used him and basically just treated him like crap... going so far as to tell him he couldn't come back to a Christmas party at one point because she wanted to be alone with other guys that were there.) I want to try to make him feel better as well. I've been here for him and he knows he can talk to me and vent whenever he likes.
Oh, and I also have a slight feeling that he may be attracted to that mutual friend of ours. She's very pretty, curvy, and has an amazing personality... but she's also pretty taken with someone and not interested in him.
So any ideas?
We waited to sleep together until about nine months into our relationship because neither of us wanted to make a mistake, have a child, etc. Well, I ended up getting pregnant anyway, but wasn't sure and didn't tell him. He'd started to "fall out of love" with me, and I finally broke the news... I was only about a month or so into the pregnancy. We broke up anyway, but remained friends. He found someone new, and when I was about two and a half months along, I miscarried.
It's now three months later and he's close to the end of his new relationship. He calls me and we talk until the wee hours, like we used to, he comes by occasionally, I see him at church (yes, I know, but I never said we were perfect, did I? :-) ), etc.
He has told a mutual friend (who knows I still have very strong feelings for him) that he wanted to be friends with me, but didn't want to think about anything farther in the future.
Honestly, I know his flaws, I know his shortcomings, and I still care about him very deeply. I want him to be healthy, successful, and happy in life. I don't want to push a relationship on him or make him feel pressured to make me happy. We were good together, and I feel like if we got the timing right we could be really great.
Does anyone have any ideas of how he and I can get past our emotionally loaded past and have a good relationship later in the future? I'd love to hear some advice and ideas on what I can do to try and get him back. I really miss him, to the point of depression at times, and I know he's been hurting lately because of this girl. (She's used him and basically just treated him like crap... going so far as to tell him he couldn't come back to a Christmas party at one point because she wanted to be alone with other guys that were there.) I want to try to make him feel better as well. I've been here for him and he knows he can talk to me and vent whenever he likes.
Oh, and I also have a slight feeling that he may be attracted to that mutual friend of ours. She's very pretty, curvy, and has an amazing personality... but she's also pretty taken with someone and not interested in him.
So any ideas?

As for the miscarriage, I'm still hurting over it, and it's been hard to get over but even when we weren't together he been there for me to talk to and cry on. He was relieved (so was I, as I'm not ready for a child yet) but he was also supportive of me. We have an interesting relationship now... talking a lot, seeing each other occasionally, etc., but apparently his romantic feelings aren't as strong as they once were.
I know I shouldn't still want something but I seem to keep repeating history by wanting to be with him. We just work well togther, get mad and forgive each other quickly, get along well... part of me feels it would work but I know that he wants to get out and "have fun" with other people before he settles into another long term relationship with anyone. I think he's got those wild oats to sow, so to speak.
I can understand the way you're feeling. I wish I had something to say that would help. Noone really knows what he could be, I guess; he probably doesn't either. My only thought about this is that maybe he's repeating history. Maybe his dad walked out on him and his mom or something. I don't know, just a hypothetical situation. Since you talk with him you probably have some idea of what his "issues" might be. A lot of times when people have something in their past that they haven't resolved, they're doomed repeat it in present and future relationships. I'm not saying to harp on him about it or anything, but maybe providing him with insight into his behavior would be a help. It seems like it's so much easier to see someone else's situation objectively than one's own.
You may be right about this guy. He may be a keeper. However, right now he's not settling down and I think it would be wise for you to protect your own heart. You can still care for him, but as a friend. I prayed for people that I had strong feelings for. It was just easier to leave it in God's capable hands than to try to figure things out for myself. Best to you.
And, just for the record, I, by no means, am against spanking a child when it is deserved, but hitting with a cain and throwing things at someone is extreme. My father was abusive and occasionally his dad shows the same traits.
He does have a bit of a spoiled brat complex at times, but around me he knows better than to show that side, as I grew up in a relatively poor family.
Anyway, I believe he may be manic depressive (I am, and I'm on medication, but it doesn't always work) but if he's not then he definately suffers from at least occasional depression.
He's had a hard time, especially lately with this other girl, and before that with our problems. And, I believe that his imperfections stem from the problems he's dealt with and from his biological parents' history. I want to continue to be there for him. But I'd love it if things were different between us, the way they used to be.
And I think he'll miss me and want to come back, I don't think I was horrible to him, although during part of our relationship I was suffering from fairly severe depression (a tree practically destroyed my home, my mother and I were living with my sister and brother-in-law who argue frequently, etc).
Anyway... that's a little history for both of us.
-The truck breaks and he wants a new one, so he could separate from you in order to get a new one.
-Need money? "Ma, I broke up with blackflame, and BTW I need some cash for my utility bills".
Do you see what I mean? A pattern has already started with him and his mother and the entire thing is not healthy. But he needs to work these things out, on his own. You won't be able to help him along. He has to do it himself.
He even called me today to tell me that the DMV was closed because he knew I needed to run an errand there...
I know I'm defending him, and it's because I love him. I want us to be friends, or more, and I want us to keep talking. I've gotten better about being able to talk to him... I used to not be able to without it tearing me apart. Now, we can talk and I'm ok. I'm getting over the breakup, but not over him.
It's confusing.