Confused - sleep over question, help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Confused - sleep over question, help!
4
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 2:41pm
I have been divorced for a year after 20 years. I have been dating a man for approx 8 months and we are serious about each other. My kids live with their dad most of the time and are with me everyother weekend and current with me due to health problems on his side. My question is this: My boyfriend wants to sleep over while I have my kids and we are talking about moving in together. My kids aren't crazy about this guy but they are 17 and 14 and not nieve about things either. Please give me some advise. We each have our own homes and share equal time at each when the kids are with their father. It's been hard not being together since I've had my kids. We're not young, we're both 50 so waiting much longer is not an option. HELP PLEASE
Avatar for macgyver17
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 2:45pm
I think you should sit your kids down and have an adult discussion about this guy. Like you said they are not naive and will probably figure things out anyway, so why not just be honest from the beginning and at least get things out in the open as to where the stand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:01pm
Well, kids learn by example. If you want to teach them that it is ok to sleep over their SO's house when they aren't married, or that it's ok to live together without a committment then do so. If not, then it is not appropriate for him to move in. You can't teach one set of values to your kids and then live another set. Other than that I'm not sure exactly what you want advice on.

HTH

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:04pm
I agree. Your kids are old enough and should be informed as to what is going on. I think it's just respect for them. That said, they don't get to have a say in the fact that you may have your boyfriend spend the night from time to time, or that you may spend the night at his place either. You are still the adult and still the parent and you make the rules.

I think though, that you should introduce the new arrangement slowly. Once a week for now and ease into it. It's new for them to live with you full time, so make sure that you all have time to adjust.

After you have sat them down and let them know he may stay over, I think it's then important that you all sit down together and go over some guidelines. How do you want him to treat them, and vice versa. Hopefully things will all go smoothly for you.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 11:04pm
I totally agree. You teach by example...we all understand that you're an adult and that you can drink, smoke and have sex if you like, but we also understand what your child will say about it. But if you're ok with this, that's your (parenting) call to make.

What I don't get is why you would push someone your kids don't like on your children.