Confused - Trust Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
Confused - Trust Issues
1
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 7:04am

Ok..A few months back i met this guy Tom in a nightclub - not the best of places if you're looking for something serious im sure you'll agree. However at the time i wasn't. The first night i met tom, we really clicked - he understood my humour, he made me laugh, he was sweet.just completely different to how guys normally are when they go out. The same evening he tried to kiss me, but i refused..simply because i wasnt sure if i was attracted to him in that way (normally i have no problem with kissing guys when im out, when im drunk i'll go for anyone lol..but for some reason i didn't with tom)..so i made some thing up about wanting to be friends and getting to know him better because i didn't want to offend him.

He seemed disappointed but didnt push it saying that getting to know eachother was cool etc and asked for my number. Over the last few months we've become good friends, we've hung out and have gotten to know eachother on that sort of basis. In the meantime i've been seeing a couple of guys, though i never told him because i wasnt sure how he felt still or whether it had been the drink that first evening. But about a month ago i saw him out on evening with a girl and for the first time it made me jealous. He didnt see me but i texted him in the bar and told him i'd seen him, and he told me to come and find him. So i did, and it turned out that he introduced me to his ex. Later he told me that they wernt friends but they'd reached the stage where the could talk to one another again - Tom told me he'd been with her for two years but she had cheated (slept with) on him at the end with several guys and that was how their relationship finished.

Now this was a turning point because Tom is a lovely person, i've not (honestly) met any guy that's quite like him in the sense that he's so caring and genuine. You don't find someone like that normally where i come from in town.Guys go out to pull. Tom dosn't. After that evening we went through a period of about 2 weeks where we didnt have any contact with eachother..just cause we were busy with our own lives i suppose. But one night two weeks ago, i was out in town, rather drunk, and decided it would be a bright idea to ring him up and have a chat. I remember bits of what i said, i know it was flirty and suggestive and apparently cute (he said). Afterwards in the next few days after the phone call, he got more suggestive in his texts which i returned but didnt think anything would come of it to be honest. Then last thursday i went out and i saw him in the place that i'd first met him..he came over and started chatting to me for a while, then i parted ways to find my friends who'd left me. Later on in the evening he texted me and asked where i was. We ended up outside and he was just hugging me and then we ended up kissing. We sat outside for almost 2 hours, just chatting with him hugging me etc and telling me how he didnt meet girls like me out in town and how they were generally psycho or tapped in the head. How he was amazed someone like me was interested in someone like him. And how he'd waited so long to kiss me..but hadnt thought i'd felt the same way until i called him that evening. It was a great night basically. He told me he wanted to meet up more often, to see how things went with us and whether it might go anywhere. I said likewise.

We talked alot over the next few days on the phone, through text, but didnt meet up because of work commitments. He gave me the impression that he was serious about where this was headed, and that he wanted something more serious to happen between us. Now, last night i rang him to see if he wanted to meet up since we'd not been given the chance over the weekend, but as he was at work, he didnt pick up. After his shift he rang me and we had a long chat. Basically he really liked me, but had realised that when he'd found out i was starting to like him, that he was terrified of commitment. Not because he was a player, but because his ex had really hurt him. Although he was over her, he wasn't over beginning to trust people again and didnt dare get close to anyone. I explained that i had a few trust issues myself so not to feel bad, because he said he genuinely felt awful. And that it was just bad timing for him and he wished it wasnt. He said that we could still meet up and stuff and be friends.I managed to keep face on the phone, but as soon as we said goodbye and ended the call i burst into tears after...and that never usually happens. I guess i realised how much i liked him.

Now, im sorry for this incredibly looooong story, but i had to put the details in or it just seems like the guy was just using a line on me to get away from the situation. I've heard the same kind of thing before, but i think this time it was genuine. It IS him and not me. But..i still like him, i just dont know what to do..i want to get him to trust me enough to take it further because im not like some girls. I wouldn't cheat and never have. but i dont know how to make him see this and change his mind. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:55am
Since he's come out to tell you that he's willing to be friends only, believe him. His issues are of trust and you cannot solve them. He has to overcome them on his own or with professional help. Cheating is something that leaves a mark and it's apparent that he loved and trusted his ex. He has gotten over her, but he hasn't come to terms with his own issues. These type of men are the ones who get into relationships and such, but don't open up out of fear or becoming vulnerable and trusting. They're constantly questioning if their partner is cheating on them and it can get worst from there. Unfortunatelly, this good man has issues that at the moment make him unhealthy to be in a relationship. If I were you, I'd keep dating other guys and keep him as a friend. It's also possible that he's looking for some casual relationship where you both can have friendship and have sex as well, with no committment to each other. If you can handle something like it then go ahead.