Confused. Would you feel the same way?
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| Sat, 01-20-2007 - 1:25pm |
I've posted about this guy a few times already. I've started to date him more regularly this past month. Hes the guy who I've known for about a year. I dated him a couple of times before. He disappeared and started calling again 7 months later. I posted about him about a week ago about moving too fast or not.
Anyhow, this is my latest confusion. Hes so unpredictable, I thought I was getting used to his unpredictability. I called him last Monday to make sure we have a date this Friday (yesterday). He confirmed yes and that he will call earlier. Yesterday around 7:30pm I called him because he still hadn't called. He said he would be ready around 10pm because he just got in and had to do some stuff. He also said he can't stay out late because he had to get up early. I asked if he would like to reschedule our date. So we agreed I'd meet him downtown to watch a movie.
After the movie at 12:30 at night, I asked if he was free next weekend. He will be out of town, which was fine. But then he goes - I don't really have to get up too early tomorrow (9am), and that we could do something, and he could follow me back to my home....
I felt a little put out. We were right downtown and everything was open. He didn't suggest a coffee or a bite to eat. I thought it was crazy for him to drive out to my place when he said earlier he can't stay out late. And we were right downtown already.
When I didn't confirm him coming back to my place (I just said - you really want to drive all that way?), he hemmed and hawwed about what else we can do. I was put out because we decided to do something downtown (where he lives) because he said he didn't have much time to spend out. But now, he wants to come back to my place which is in the suburbs. I didn't get upset at him. I just said - lets just leave it at this and when he gets back next week to call me.
Would you feel a little put out? Am I being selfish? I've dated him twice before a year ago, but recently, yesterday was only our 3rd date since we started dating again. Last week, I know he wanted more than just kissing. But I feel I don't really know what his intentions are to give him more.
I am confused. Would you be confused?
Edited 1/20/2007 1:27 pm ET by reggielicious

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You know I thought maybe he really liked me.
I guess I'm living in Lala Land but I thought maybe the reason he started calling me again after 7 months was that he realized he really like me! I disregarded that fact that maybe he broke up with someone and I was an easy target. Maybe he was calling all the girls on his list and he hit paydirt with me! I am so stupid.
I should've paid attention to the fact that he forgot my name when he started calling again! Who forgets someones name?? I kept refusing him because he couldn't get my name right and he kept calling too late. So I thought maybe he really liked me because he kept persisting. I don't know why he kept persisting. He kept persisting for 4 months til I went out with him again. Why did he keep at me then?? I just don't get it.
On another note, my sister thinks I'm being silly. She thinks maybe he IS busy and that I should give him a call. She says if I want to see him again, there is nothing wrong with me calling him. But I had told him two weeks ago to call me when hes back in town. As far as I know, he was only gone up north for that weekend (only 1.5 hours away). I had asked for the next date and told him to call me when hes back. I don't think I should call him. I think if he really was thinking about me he can call to say hi. Since I made it known I'd like to see him again, its up to him to call me....am I right? She said maybe he has other important priorities and that doesn't mean he doesn't want to see me. I said if he wants to date me he should make me a priority. Am I wrong to think this way??
Does your sister really want you to be with someone who can't be bothered to call you??? Why on earth would she wish that on you?
But no, there's nothing wrong with calling him, if you want to be with a guy who's not all that interested in spending time with you and who you have to chase after.
Sheri
Lol! My sister is telling me I shouldn't date anymore since I can't handle it and what I expect is totally wierd.
I guess I'm backwards or stuffy or old fashioned. I'm not made for dating... :(
Reggie - he could actually like you as a person, so don't think that he doesn't like you. If he despised you, he wouldn't want to have sex with you. But, if one looks objectively at his actions:
1)he kept telling you he could follow you home instead of continuing the date
2)he calls late
3)he forgot your name
4)he doesn't make you a priority.
If one looks at his actions objectively, without hurt feelings, one will see a picture developing about him and his intent towards a woman. If your friend came to you with this list and hurt feelings about how she was treated, what advise would you give her?
Be aware there is a new trend in women's thinking these days: that anything is better than nothing. Maybe your sister would jump at the chance to have a guy in her life, even if he didn't treat her the way she wants to be treated. Or maybe she doesn't expect much from a man, and then she is never hurt. I know someone who once told me that same thing. She said that she doesn't expect much from people so she is never hurt. Then again, I have no respect for her, so there you go. She gets what she gives - nothing. Some of these women accept their "fate" (which is B.S.) and some feel they can change the guy later (which is also B.S.). Women have been put to the test by men over the last decade or so.
Men like the control in their hands. Men also have changed their thinking too: we need to get the control back from the women's movement and make sure that women feel grateful for ANY male in their lives. I met a woman who was just happy with her husband's paycheck and never minded his lapdances at the strip club - yuck. "A good man is hard to find" is truely a reality now.
So, if your sister's thinking and value system is vastly different from yours, you will get advise that will put a knot in your stomach. If you want to talk to her, then go ahead but she may never change her thinking and make you question your own thinking. But at least, you get to see what men have done to women. I feel bad for her because if she would accept this behavior at proper treatment, it is YOU she will be coming to later for a strong shoulder to cry on.
I am with you in how you want to be treated. It will take a while (possibly) for you to meet the right guy, or, you might strike paydirt earlier than that and meet a great guy. I think this trend will eventually subside.
I have been in casual relationships before where every 3 to 6 months we get together and then there is no dating, no phone calls to see how each other is doing. When the phone rang we knew what it meant. This is not friends with benefits, this is strickly sexual in nature. I am sure you want more. I don't regret those times and those men, but I knew I always wanted more.
Men like a challenge. In the past, we as women, saw persistence as a sign of true liking and desire to be with that person, in a real relationship type of way. He is a persistent person probably in alot of areas of his life. Again, he probably enjoys your company, but a real relationship may be out of the question for him. The question is, why does he think you would settle for less? maybe it is because so many women will settle for less. Maybe he just needs to know you expect more.
"Since I made it known I'd like to see him again, its up to him to call me....am I right?" Not necessarily. I think that if someone is busy, but wants to see someone, they will still either call, text message or email. You told him you would like to see him again. Many years ago, a man would read that statement to be encouraged to call the woman again for a date. How did it turn into that you have to call him? But this is common these days, yuck. Dating rituals have changed, and not for the better. A change in men's thinking also includes that women do some of the chasing. You might be better off with a more together man who feels that it is his pleasure to call you and court you.
This is entirely your call, but from what you have described, he is giving signals that he is not into anything that requires nightly calls, reserved Saturday nights, holidays, dinner with the family, etc. If you want to see him, why not? You can use the date to lay the cards on the table and ask him what he is into right now. This is only if you really like him, alot. If you are the type that has a way with words and want to get out into the open what he wants, then go ahead. Whenever i have had those conversations, it never backfired. But it has to be handled in such a way that the guy feels comfortable in telling the truth. If you are the type "actions speak louder than words", then don't call and see if he does call you again. He may, but it will be 6 months later again. And then you'll just have to tell him that you may not be interested in him anymore or that you have found someone else or go through this confusion again.
So, maybe you have a friend who thinks more along the same lines as you who you can talk to regularly about this stuff. It helps to talk live to someone. Your sister may find someone who treats her exactly how she expects to be treated, and then she is happy. (believe it or not) You may not be happy with her situation, like I wouldn't. But if this is what is out there right now, you may not want to sit home at night. But, there is always friends to go out with if you prefer that until you meet the right guy who shares your value system and belief system.
There are alot of options, it all depends on what makes you happy.
He pursued me for 4 months after he started calling again, and I have not put out to him yet? We've only been on 3 dates (in two months) since I started going out with him again. Should I have sex with him? Maybe he got fed up with me because I haven't had sex with him yet?
Edited 2/4/2007 11:23 am ET by reggielicious
WHAT?? You were not playing games with him. No, you should NOT have had sex with him if that's not what you wanted. And if he got "fed up" with you because you DIDN'T have sex with him? Good riddance. A good guy that really wants to be with you wait until you are ready.
I'd say this guy is a player and was out for one thing. You did absolutely nothing wrong here. Move on.
I just have one more stupid thing to ask...
Would it be bad of me to phone him and talk to him about this? Just ask him if he still wants to date me? Or is his not calling me this weekend telling me enough? Its been 2 weeks since I last saw him/talked to him. No phone calls in between. But then its not unusual for him to not call me for periods at a time.... One time after three weeks I called him, and then the following week he called me... Am I just prolonging my own misery? Is it okay to call him?
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