Confused....all the time

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2013
Confused....all the time
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 8:15am

My situation is a really long story but rather than go into all details...the short version is this....My husband and I were married for 7 years...had 2 kids...met a couple whose kids went to the same daycare as ours.  We all became best friends.  Needless to husband left...she kicked her husband out and the 2 of them are now together.  This happened 4 years ago.  I went through the hurt, pain, anger, etc.  Still am angry at times.  Still don't quite understand everything.  The husband of the other couple and I have remained friends.  It's a frustrating friendship to me.  While I know him very well and I'm comfortable with him....he wants way more than I do.  Our kids are obviously close because our ex's are together so they are with each other all the time.   I don't know if I don't want a relationship with him because he reminds me of all of this hurt and pain and I just want someone that reminds me of "happy".  I know my kids like him but to me that's not enough.  I don't want to settle.  I've never been able to get him to understand.  I've severed ties with him because he becomes very clingy (he's 6 years younger than me too).  I'm 38 and he's 32.  He's OVERLY nice.  Does things for me when I don't ask him to, when drop everything just to help me...but for some reason I find this more annoying than kind.  I feel like he goes out of his way to try and please me.  I don't ask for it and it ends up just frustrating me and I find myself being mean to him.  Almost like I'm trying to get him to go away.  Sometimes I think..."I must be crazy not to want a person that is attractive, kind, loving and truly cares for me."  But I don't know what I want.  I really don't want a relationship with anyone at this point.  Even though it's been 4 years....I only want to be with my kids.  They are 8 and 4 years old.  I want to focus on them.  What in the world is wrong with me????  What should I do with him and my relationship with him????  Should I severe ties for good?  Because I don't believe he can handle just a he can....but I think deep down he will always hold onto hope that we will be more.   Just not sure what to do with him or myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 9:17am

There's nothing wrong with you. No matter how nice the guy is, if it's a weight off your chest to imagine him out of your life, he's not the right man for you. You will have to be clear with him and tell him all the reasons you've stated here. For the good of both of you, tell him you can't stay friends. He doesn't know it, but it will be better for him, so he can have closure. It will be better for you, because one day you will start dating, and the new man in your life will not be happy if you're friends with an ex.  You can't stay with him just because your kids like him. He will survive. He might try to emotionally blackmail you. Don't let him. He might try to repeatedly contact you. Don't answer or change your numbers. The sooner you do this, the sooner you two can get on with your lives. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 10:06am

Two things come to mind when I read your post.  First, "when in doubt, DON'T!".  Second, listen to your gut, because that's God talking to you!  This guy, among other things, sounds very clingy and desperate.  He got dumped just like you did.  But he's not moving on with his life, and you want to move on with yours. 

You need to tell him that you are NOT interested in a relationship with him, and that he needs to move on because that's what you're going to do.  And then you need to get yourself out of the rut you're in, and start rebuilding your life.  It's great that you want to be with your kids, but eventually, they're going to grow up and need their own lives......and that will leave you on the outside looking in.  You need to get out, join clubs, take classes, whatever it takes to meet people, men as well as women, and create a new life for yourself.  You also need to keep him out of your life.  You're probably right that he can't deal with "friendship" because he wants more.  The sooner you find other male friends, the sooner he'll understand that, and start living his own life, too.  Four years is MORE than enough time for both of you to get over a divorce and move on with your lives. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2013
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 8:29pm
Thank you very much!
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 8:39pm

Focus on yourself.  Kids grow up and will have their own lives.   If you wait on that life will leave you behind.  Life happens when you are not thinking.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 9:42am
There is nothing wrong with you. It's rare for people to know what they want - yet you know you don't want a relationship with anyone right now and you clearly do not want a relationship with him. It's also rare after a terrible end to a marriage to not rush into the first situation that would seem to fill the void and try to make a wrong person fit into your life.
In other words, you are strong and know what you want, that is very impressive.
I agree with the advice already given - be clear with him that you will only ever see him as a friend. Don't say "at this point" because that leaves an open door and don't accept his help. Eventually, he will move onto someone else and things will be more straightforward then.