Confused/Bewildered

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Confused/Bewildered
3
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 11:10am

hi,

i posted here last week re: whether or not i had leverage to be mad at the guy i'm dating for going on another date with an "old" friend. after posting here and taking the advice of you all into consideration i told him that my feeligns were hurt by his actions; in turn, he said that it was a harmless dinner and he was providing support for his friend who is in the process of getting a divorce. we couldn't finish the conversation b/c i had to attend a mtg so i told him that i would call him back.

later that evening, i tried calling him, he was on the other line so instead of me leaving a msg and waiting for him to call me back jealousy and anger took over - i called him a total of 4 times (I KNOW EXCESSIVE). to prevent the 5th call, i called a gf of mine to vent and before i could tell her the whole story, it was him on the other line. i clicked over and told him that i didn't like to play games and guess work, i can't read btwn the lines and i wanted to be w/someone who could be up straight forward w/me. he responded by saying that i needed to take a deep breath, he was on the other line w/his boss and he understands that i'm under alot of stress (i'm in the process of moving and my new place was supposed to be ready by 9/2 and now won't be ready until 9/15 - so i have to move back home to my parents house until then and come up w/an alt for my furniture)so he eased my fears a bit, which made me feel alot better.

yesterday, he only called me once at work, which is odd b/c he usually calls me at least 3-4 times a day. when he did call he told me that he had a horrific day and that he was so tired all he could think of was going home to go to sleep. now i never doubted that his day was hectic-he has a very demanding and stressful job (from what i can tell) but when i told my gf that he was tired and he was going to sleep, she responded and you believe that? i told her yes, why would someone lie about being tired and sleepy. she said that since we've had bumps in the road that he should've been trying to come n see me. so, confused i asked another gf and she told me that he really could've been tired and don't listen to her b/c she's trying to keep you manless. so, when i talked to him later that evening, he told me that he had taken a nap and went to the hospital w/another friend whose father was dying and he was there for his understanding of the medical field etc. now he's no dr. - he sells medical equipment, so now i'm thinking is he lending his support to every damsel in distress or is he really there out of friendship? what do you guys think?

am i over-reacting/analyzing this situation? or is he just showing me that the way he's treated/been supportive of me is how he treats everyone and i'm no exception? or am i starting to come across needy and clingy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 6:48pm
Well, calling him 4 or 5 times after letting him know how hurt you were and telling him you expect him to be up front and not play games does seem a bit clingy. Don't get me wrong, if he is lying, you don't deserve that. But he may have really been tired and visiting his friend's sick dad, or he may have been "letting you cool off" before seeing you again. It sounds like he's backing off because the r-ship is probably going "too fast" for him. He's probably thinking "Already, I have to account for my whereabouts and explain myself? What will happen if we got more serious?" Most men have a serious fear of commitment, so if he thinks the r-ship is going to be high maintenance, he'll run so fast, he'll leave skid marks. I would not call him for a few days and let him cool off. When you do call him again, don't bring up either of his friends or how he spends his time. He hasn't really done anything but hang out with another girl (as far as you know), but it's too early to make rules. Especially if you are only dating and are not exclusive yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2005
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 10:03pm
As I read through your post...I realized how much you sound like me! I have trust issues with men. Anyway, my question is...do you trust him? Trust plays a HUGE part in relationships, as I am learning. If you completely trust him, you should not doubt him being tired- and not just saying that to avoid seeing you/talking to you.
Calling 4 or 5 times is a bit excessive but I do it too! It sounds like you got a bit panicked when he didn't pick up the phone for you, I do that as well. I am slowly learning though that when they do not pick up, it's not because they don't want to talk to us. They're not trying to avoid us on purpose.
My boyfriend has done things before where he will tell me he's too exhausted to hang out with me and then the next day I learn that he went over to help his friend (friend was having huge problems with parents, and didn't have a car to leave the house and cool off). Of course, at first I was so upset and hurt but then I realized that my boyfriend has such a big heart and had to help his friend out.
If I were you, I'd trust your boyfriend. Keep a watch on things, and see if they get worse but for now, it sounds like he really was tired and really wanted to help his friend and his friend's dad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 10:34pm
I looked back at your old message. Yes I think you're over reacting and being too clingy, but even worse, you seem to be acting very erraticly. You play games with him while you tell him that you don't like him playing games. Sometimes you ignore his calls and then get annoyed that he made other plans when he couldn't reach you. But then other times you're annoyed that he doesn't call enough. The poor guy can't possibly have any clue as to what he's supposed to be doing to make you happy.