Confusing behaviour

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Confusing behaviour
13
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 7:48am
I had a brief thing with this guy, really liked each other for months before it began, in fact I though he liked me more so I was quite secure with it. Then nothing, no phonecall, he basically did a runner which was a bit stupid considering we know the same people and work int he same very small industry and I'm the one who hires him etc. So our first meeting was bound to be awkward and embarrassing, for him since he was the one who behaved immaturely. Then I bumped into him in a bar recently and he eventually after skulking around me, plucked up the courage to come over, he was extremely nervous and babbling. We couldn't clear the air then as there was alot of people around.

I just went out to grab a coffee and just bumped into his friend (who I know very well) and him. His friend did all the talking he just stood there looking shocked and like he was about to throw up with nerves. He was in ribbons, is he terrified of me, does he have feelings for me. I've met friends of his who said that he was mad about me and coudn't stop talking about me. Anyway I don't think he managed to say one thing to me just now I just kept looking at him while chatting to his friend thinking he's mental!

Why do women get the tag of Bunny Boilers, men are mental!!! BTW he's 33 not 15 I didn't realise I'm that intimidating, I presume he knows he will get an earful when I meet him in the righ cirumstances but jeez...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 9:24am
Hi and thanks for your post.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 9:36am
I liked him a lot and his behaviour really hurt me. I do still care abou him but am rightly pissed. If he begged forgiveness and explained himself and his actions sufficently I could be inttereted. But pigs will fly out my arse before that happen!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 9:39am
I may be going out on a limb but this sound a lot like what I experience so here is a possible take.....

I'd say the guy is inexperienced and likes you very (x4) much .... I'd suggest a cooling off period (if you can handle it) so that he can get his bearings straight.

He hasn't called you because not knowing your answer and its likelyhood of being a 'yes' is better situation to him than calling you and your saying 'not ineterested/go away' i.e. a 'no' and the finality of that 'no' - never becoming anything else ....

This naturally leads to a self fulfilling prophecy situation where the possible 'yes' automatically becomes a 'no' especially if the woman has no clue on whats going on and assumes the guy is ignoring her, or acting superior (jerk) or stuck up etc.....

The fact that you are actually thinking about other reasons of what may be going on gives you credit unlike 99% of other women and is something I applaud ....

I hope this helps ....

BB

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 10:00am
Well I don't know about that! he had come out of a 5 year relationship the year before he met me that sounded pretty nasty, and he seemed to be a bit f**** up although he never mentioned anything to me. I heard through friends! But when we first got together he never left my side, to the point he was starting to annoy me a bit, I like my space. But I had the utmost respect for him, thought he was one of the nicest people I've ever met, and if the relationship didn't work out well I'd still met a special person. then I went off to work abroad for a month after we were together for a month. He asked me to be good, and seemed afraid I'd stray which I didn't of course. I got back with presents dying to see him, he called up to my house, spent two days with me said he'd call and nothing. that was three months ago its just coincidence that I've bumped into him twice in the last 2 weeks. He knows I'm annoyed he did sent me a text about 2 months ago, a stupid joke that I ignored so I'm sure this showed him the lie of the land on my part. I'm just so baffled and was well over all this and am again just thinking about him cos I've seen him twice and his behavious his sooo strange!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 10:45am
Here is my take on this I am writing this with very limited info (again you would probably not agree with this but just consider it as a possible scenario)



In my opinion the guy really does not want to impose himself on you and your 'world' and he seems unable to determine, maybe on his own, maybe due to lack of experience - what proximity is good for the both of you. You just mentioned that he had been smothering - I think in a way he was trying to show that he can be as committed to a relationship with you as you'd ever want him to be - not realizing the huge TURN-OFF too much proximity can be .... From what I gather in your original post you are well established in your occupation and lifestyle (good for you)... The guys sees that and naturally thinks 'where (if anywhere) could I fit in her world' ....

I think something must have happened when he came to visit you those two days - that you did/said which made him feel insecure about his presence with you. It took him a long time to get the courage to send you this e-mail with the joke as an ice-breaker hoping you'd respond with something re-opening communication and making sure he doesn't feel excluded from your world - a validation that you'd still be interested in him doing something ... You in a fashion true to the female species chose the cold shoulder approach to (you think) tell him that you are displeased. What he got was - I am doing dandy and you are sooooo out of the picture mister ......

I'd say this all boils down to a lack of communication - he can't communicate clearly because he is scared clueless -(cant use the word I want) - of saying/doing the wrong thing .... You are not helping him by giving the 'cold shoulder' treatment and the 'why should I tell you whats wrong when you should be reading my mind' treatment. You need to activelly communicate by being more clear about what you want, whats ok/what is not and where the boundries are ......

To make matters worse - I understood that you are his superior - which is no small deal for a man - he stands to lose more than his heart ......

Now - you should decide for yourself to what extent this individual merits some extra (not a lot) investment of effort - time to communicate and spend some time together - this you might actually enjoy (I am sure he would) ......

Or you could do the typical thing which is to just 'move on' - which is the root cause for all the superficiallity and probably 60% of the posts on this board where women complain about men not calling - when they themselves are equally superficial in their own right choosing to move on at the drop of a hat.....

Just my 2c

BB

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 10:53am
Great advice BB
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 11:04am
god you're good! You should do the advice thing as a living - serious - thank you for the long reply!

yes spot on, all my friends and even one or two of his were surprised I was interested in him as I am strong, independent with an extremely full live. I want for nothing and can provide everything myself. But I liked him alot and he was more interesting, more intelligent than I mayeb originally gave him credit for and we got on so well, I really thought alot of him. I wouldn't say I was anyway in love but I could have been in time. I dont' feel in anyway superior to him or should I say I didn't, now I think I've lost all the respect I had for him as the two times I've seen him he's been a babbling mess. Although this morning he didn't manage to get one word out just stood there fidgeting.

As regards the two days in my house after I returned I can't think of anything I may have done to upset up and when he left he gave no iddication he wasn't coming back. Its just embarrasing as I came home with presents for him maybe this was too much but then again he bought me lots of little presents before I went away. On the contrary though I haven't been cold towards him, I didn't answer his stupid joke as I thought it was insulting to send it to me when I heardn't a dickie from him for over a month. When he came up to me in the bar, our first meeting I was extremely chatty and acted like I wasn't upset in anyway. I think he handled that sitaution better as he had a few pints on board - dutch courage and all that. Maybe meeting me at 10am on a friday morning sober was too much for him. His poor friend who I know for years seems to find it so awkard and is all over me I think out of embarrassment by yer mans behaviour. But hes successful too and has a very good, interesting career and travels alot but maybe he just want sone of those easy women, who have no career, are 5 years younger and find him amazing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 12:54pm

Hello dubhgirl!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 3:54pm

Certainly sounds like a man riddled with guilt and afraid of fessing up to it!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 4:30am
Thanks for all your help and replys - yes we need to talk I just feel its a bit late now, it shoudl have happened months ago. Hate the way I have to be the bigger person and initiate it when it should come from him as I did nothing wrong!

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