confusion over and over again

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
confusion over and over again
4
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 12:13pm
Okay-this is kind of long--but I need to explain the story. A year and a half ago after 3 years of my fiancee living with me and my 3 kids--I came home to a note on my counter saying "that is was over, etc." I was shocked to say the least-but we hadn't been getting along very well,,,so okay--whatever we were done. Anyway--(this was Jan of 03) for the next 7 months he proceded to call at all hours-(like at 5am) I believe to see if a man answered the phone, and he would knock on my door for 30 minutes or so--cause I wouldn't answer and even ran me off the road one time when he saw me because he wanted us to talk. I was very angry he had left and would not give him the time of day. He regretted that he had left and was trying to explain his position. Aug. of 03 I finally told him I was seeing someone else (lie) and that I would call the cops if I ever saw him again. I then had my phone number changed to an unlisted one and changed email accounts so he had no way of contacting me. I was angry and every time I saw him it hurt me--so I thought that if he went away I could move on. Super bowl Sunday I came out of work to find a note on my car from him--just saying "hi". Then this last Monday June 7th-there he is at my door. He claimed he wanted to give me pictures back and that's why he came up. The whole time he was here he talked in circles--said this was the last time I may see him--he may be moving to Florida--etc. I finally broke down and admitted that last year I was so angry, but the anger has lessened (as it always does) and that I still did love him and think about him every day. (he did admit to not being over me and that he still does think of me.) So--like an idiot I emailed him (so now he has my email address and gave him my phone number) I figured I would give him an opening--whether he takes it or not is up to him. It's been 6 days and no word. I hate this!!! Why after all that time--10 months of not seeing each other at all--did he feel he had to show up to give me pictures--all it does is confuse me and bring pain back. He could have thrown the stupid pictures away or mailed them. And if he is moving to Florida--so what?? We hadn't seen each other in almost a year--why show up to "maybe" say goodbye?? We are both in our mid 30's so we are not kids in any sense. Can anyone give me feedback on what you think this guy's angle is? What is he doing? And why? I know no one besides him really knows the answers, but maybe if enough women tell me the same thing--I'll be on the right track. Yes, I know I need to move on--but I am a single mom and full time college student and really have no time or desire to start a new relationship at this point, and like it or not--I am not over him in the least bit. Help!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 11:23pm
Of course you're not over him...he's never given you a chance by what you've said. That is total stalking behaviour! Whether you love somebody or not, whether they leave you or you leave them...it is very disturbing behaviour to have somebody constantly thrusting themselves into your life. I would've called the police months ago. I think you opened yourself up to big-time drama, not to mention your kids, and you need to get him out of your life. I understand that you don't want to deal with finding someone new when you are so occupied in other ways in your life, but it would be better,IMO, to just get away from him altogether.

You said you were having problems...did that relate to commitment? Like marriage soon or something? Was he just not ready? Still, even if that was the case...he is being a stalker and that is not a good person to be around your kids.

anyway...good luck, hope you get some more feedback on this

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 5:18pm
What do you want? Does this man and r/ship provide that for you? If not, then you must move on...how ever "difficult" that may be...

The reason I suspect folks are not replying to you is...we can't relate. If someone just left me w/o communicating with me, I would not feel the r/ship was worth saving. I expect clear, open and honest communication in a r/ship...and running away is definately not acceptable behaviour for me. Then...add the stalking stuff and I would DEFINATELY be threatening legal action.

The longer you wait to move on, the harder it will be. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 10:17am
I appreciate your comment, but how many of us have been in a long term relationship that even though it was over--our feelings don't always just dissapear. I am trying to learn how to get them to go away--I was really angry for a year--but when I didn't see him for awhile--I let the anger go (for my own sake) but we did have a pretty awesome relationship and it is hard to just let go of that. Like it or not-sometimes our hearts overide our head. Sometimes it just takes awhile for the feelings to go away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:09pm
Sounds like you need some time just for you.
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